Undone

I finally finished watching Chobits, and have come to the decision that i need to make a Chii layout for this website. But finally finishing watching it makes me feel…. well it works in really well with my journal entry from yesterday. The whole point of the anime is for the main characters, Chii and Hideki, to find the person they love the most. I don’t want to ruin it for you, but lemmie tell you…

that was ONE social commentary on society that was RIGHT ON! People loving ‘things’ (persocons) more than real people. They began to ignore their loved ones because they found something that was programmed to be happy, and it didnt’ matter if they forgot their birthday, or to say thank you for dinner, or if they were romantic. The Persocons were happy no matter what. That’s the ideal person, the ideal mate. No worries, no stress, just happy, warm fuzzies! That’s the deal. Then when the people have to deal with real people, who have all sorts of emotions, they don’t understand them and withdraw more.

*sighs* I’m afraid that i’m going to have to make some kind of test, and a made up disease that inflicts people… called… SIFD. Yes, SIFD (Social Interaction and Flirtation Disorder) and then i’ll make up some fake symptoms. Like: Short uncommitted relationships, bad or even disgraceful pick up lines, drooling, tripping over the floor and/or own feet, stuttering, clingyness, and drunken actingness…. or soemthing.

I’ll make it better, and i’ll make an official website for SIFD, of course with a disclaimer and what not, so people won’t sue me. Cause God, that’s just what i need, isnt’ it? *laughs, then suddenly sobers*

No. No it isn’t. Unless the judge or the lawyer i get is really really cute! still. Lawyer and court fees in combination with tuition to college, it isn’t pretty. Not pretty at all. ick. *gags*

Red and I have been discussing the matter of Love. And our few, but still very vibrant, loves in our lives. The real kind. Not the “I’m a sophmore in Highschool and i know you must be the one for me, and i just can’t imagine life without you” type thing. Something deep and pure and … abiding, and unending. it’s something… It’s not for the person who feels it. It’s for the person it’s felt for. You want to sacrifice everything you feel, everything you are, and anything… nothing is out of the bounds for what you would give to make that person happy, even if it wasn’t with you– you want him to smile that happy smile no matter who it’s with. it’ll hurt you until you want your innards ripped out your ears, but you want him to smile that happy smile… even if it’s not to you.

And you want to know what? It’s the same kind of love no matter the gender. I love Red, and I’m almost damn sure she loves me. that’s why she always tells me the truth when i’m lying to myself about things. It’s hard to admit myself to the truth, but… it’s hard not to. She says it in the simplest way– and it makes you see it, you can’t deny it in any way. Isn’t possible.

I haven’t been feeling so well this weekend. I told Di to tell Monkey that i was deathly ill. So much for that. I think i’m glad she didnt’. I mean, my heart starts racing for no reason whatsoever, and it’s not a good thing. That is my heart rate [resting] is around one hundred BPM, and that’s no good. no good at all. I can’t live like that. i get light headed, and just… ill. Sick to my stomach. it feels like my heart is going to jump right out of my chest… i don’t know why my heart is doing this, i haven’t been caffeine queen, and i haven’t taken my amphetamines that would make my heart race like that.

It’s scary. and the two people i want to be next to me if I have to go to the hospital, aren’t here. Aren’t contactable… and for one of them, i feel that i have no one to blame but myself.

Derringer Meryl [i want to be with you] Out

Life would be SO much easier if it was like a math problem. You could solve it, and, on monday when the teacher gives you the answer, you can go back and look at the problem and see what you did wrong, if anything. Sure if you were stupid enough to write in pen, you might have to re-copy your homework, but that’s really your own fault. But you can erase…. or white out. and you can look at a problem, and walk away, go watch some tv, and come back and solve it because your mind is clear.

But life isnt’ that way, unfortunately. Big choices, that you have to make quickly, and there isnt’ any just erasing what happens. there isn’t any, …. people are involved. People with emotions, and dreams and thoughts, and perceptions. That’s why, i guess, thinking all the time is a blessing. Sometimes you know exactly what to say, and the rest of the time you stick your foot in your mouth. Thinking ahead, about what choices you want in life, it helps you aim for the goal.

…. like a temple marriage…. *shrugs* knowing that i don’t want a husband who is a religion nazi, and that loves me, and only one thing in the world more than me, God. Who doesn’t look at girls and thinks “Could I have done better?” and NEVER EVER comes up with the answer of yes. Who loves the occult, but doesn’t worship it, but safely admires it from a distance. Knows things he probably shouldn’t, but not from experience, from others stupid mistakes (like exactly how to mix drinks, or what a fluffer is…) I don’t need a preacher to get married to, I have a Bishop, I have a father, and I have a conscience, and i don’t need one more person telling me i’m going to hell.

he knows i’m a woman, knows what that means, and knows that i am in no way less than him. (In fact scientifically the more orifices that an animal has, the more evolutionarily advanced it is. SO HAH!!) We’d be a little different. We may think different ways, but would be able to compromise in a way to make both of us happy. I would never hear the words “Honey, I’m really thirsty, i need a drink.” coming from his mouth unless in dire circumstances of illness or injury.

He’d make me laugh. Daily. His smile will be a little crooked when we shared a joke, and no matter what, it’d make me feel the same way. Special. Pure and clean, like light was shining out through my pores. He and I would have a few things in common, but he’d participate in a few things i did (like poetry readings) that he didn’t like, and i’d participate in things i don’t necessarily like (Car Races? I don’t know, i’ve never been in a relationship long enough for a guy to suggest an activity i didn’t like.) and we’d be happy.

If he had a bad day at work, i’d do everything to make it better. He’d keep a journal and be in touch with his feminine side, and not afraid to admit it. He’d do his share of house work, and i’d have to teach him to do the laundry, but it’d all turn out okay. He’d talk to me while I cook dinner, which of course i’ll burn, and we’d eat it anyway. he’d hold my hand on the escalators at the mall, and we’d go into stores together, and i’d never whine, or him either for that matter.

and he’s all in my head. I see parts of him in guys I meet from day to day…. Gert, Monkey, Marco, Frienjamin, Johnny Depp (new nickname for another Co-worker), My teachers, just– guys. Everywhere. I notice what they do, what they don’t do, and what i want my future husband to do. I’m willing to bend on things. I have to be. I mean, that’s damn near the perfect guy i listed there, (I know I’ve been looking) and obviously I’m sure as hell not perfect. (Note the Hell)

I’m hopeless.

Derringer Meryl [Hello Spinsterhood] Out

and this one time, at band camp….

Oh, right, nevermind about that. I just got done watching The Best of Will Ferrell who is, admittedly, one of the funniest guys who was ever on SNL. (Which happens to be one of my favorite shows!) It made me get my mind off things for a little while. It’s a good thing, for me to occasionally regain my mind from the desolate wasteland of thought.

And some people think that thinking too much isn’t possible. God, lock them in a room with me for an hour, and they’ll change their mind, to the extra extreme.

I over think everything. what i’m wearing, how my hair looks, how I look, if i’m good enough for everyone’s standards. Then I think about other stuff, not my stuff, not directly related to me… Like my friends. Like if Red is going to be able to get all of her homework and her debate stuff done and not flip out, and spiritually die because of the stress, or I think about how my Boss really Really needs a date, because he’s so unbelievably grouchy about stuff, and then I wonder what i can do about any of it. Like everyone’s problem is my problem, and while i know i can’t fix them all myself, I like to be able to … help. Say “I did a little good, huzzah, and maybe they feel a little bit better.” It’s more selfish than it is selfless. I figure, i feel better, they feel better, and we all benefit.

have you ever just drove past someones house, and just not gone in, or like stopped or anything, but you just drive by to reassure yourself that they’re okay. Like driving by can do that, but you feel better just… seeing their house…

Okay. I’m a psycho. I just like to drive past places that comfort me. But between shooting up on Junk and driving past someone’s house once in a while, i think the driving past is … well less abusive to msyelf, and very much not illegal. unless they have a restriction against you, in which case i’d say, you’re a sick little puppy.

Im not tired, but i can’t sleep–

probably because i have constant conspiracy theories running through my brain ….

Derringer Meryl [trust no one] Out

I have thoughts like this running through my mind as my parents send me off to college to get married. Can you believe they’re paying Next to five hundred dollars so i can learn, and get married, or at least find a potential husband, because the man of my dreams certainly must be waiting with in the community college…

*blinks* Lets not go into that. Makes my chest sorta hurt, and images fly through my mind like i’m going to die or something.

THen i go to institute, which is like… Church school. I learn about my church. i’m sure i sound thrilled, really, but it isn’t so bad. the teachers are nice, and very funny, and then there’s the reason i’m there:

to find someone to marry, which is sorta hard when everyone there is like going with a date. Like Johnny and Suzy. Okay, so i don’t really know anyone named that, or anything, but it gets a little annoying when you’re sitting in class and everyone is holding hands with someone except you…. and your brother. ew. Anyway.

I’m just tired. I’m tired of being dragged here and there, and everywhere, when my heart rests in an invisible little grove full of dead trees. I’m sappy. And gross. I hate myself for it, but people don’t have much choice in this kind of thing, they just fall. Ya know? *laughs to herself* I’m sadly… in a sad place with people. i can’t do much about it. Not everyone deserves hate,

and i can’t fall out of…. these emotions without hating. And the person, doesn’t deserve my hate, or anyones hate, or malice, or even a smidgen of bad feelings.

He deserves everything to go right in his life. And if i could do that for him I would. In a heart beat. I would change everything to suit him.

and if someone else makes him happy, then i can deal with that– because he would be happy. I just…. I want him to be happy. Really.

Derringer Meryl [dripping with sap] Out

*hums to the music* Right, so i went to my first day of school, in like, forever… okay it’s like my normal break from school, only i go monday through thursday (also known as rsday) and it’s only an hour class. I don’t know anyone, but the teacher is funny, and cusses from time to time– so i’m good.

I have a class later on this evening, Church history… which i’ll be attending with my brother, maybe. *shrugs* He’s the passive king and sure i might be the princess of “Idontwanttostanduptomyparentssoilljustdowhattheysay” but i’m far from passive, I have a bit of a back bone and i attempted to get the point across that i can make good choices all by myself.

The thing is, *coughs, then clears her throat* Why I don’t want to be in College by Derringer Meryl

First, I feel WAY-Y-Y-Y out of place because… well i feel like i’m five years old, despite the fact that i’m not, when i’m around people who attend college. They talk and the lingo makes me feel out of place.

Second, I have the maturity level of an amoeba, or the average College Age boy, which ever you choose to pick. I’d go with the amoeba. At least they asexually reproduce, and, they ask a girl before they begin to grope…. Just kidding. 😀

Third, and last, because you sit in silence before the professor comes in. I mean stone dead silence. Like you’re getting ready to take the SAT and no one can talk because it’s against the rules… cause you might cheat. I hate the silence, and I hate everyone being on different schedules, because… *shudders* i can’t pay attention because i have ADD (if you couldn’t tell by the way i write sometimes…. Ohh. Chicken….) right, and so the other noises, and movement, distracts me.

Back on the meds, you say? Never, i’d rather get my brain pumped full of lead first. Depending on my medication bothers me… but then again, i did pay (err should i say my parents paid) four-hundred dollars for the class, I guess i’m going to have to whore myself back out to the medication. *shakes her fist* stupid medication. Grrr.

Anyway, I’m dead tired. I’m not joking. This class runs into my sleeping time. Good smooth sweet sleeping time. *gurgles* Oh how i miss you sleepy time…. right. So I think i’m going to go do the happy sleep thing, and then I’m going to go… *yawn* to my other class, the one, with the religion… and the learning… and yeah, I’m going to sleep now. Adieu

Derringer Meryl [ZzZZzzZZ] Out