Undone

I have thoughts like this running through my mind as my parents send me off to college to get married. Can you believe they’re paying Next to five hundred dollars so i can learn, and get married, or at least find a potential husband, because the man of my dreams certainly must be waiting with in the community college…

*blinks* Lets not go into that. Makes my chest sorta hurt, and images fly through my mind like i’m going to die or something.

THen i go to institute, which is like… Church school. I learn about my church. i’m sure i sound thrilled, really, but it isn’t so bad. the teachers are nice, and very funny, and then there’s the reason i’m there:

to find someone to marry, which is sorta hard when everyone there is like going with a date. Like Johnny and Suzy. Okay, so i don’t really know anyone named that, or anything, but it gets a little annoying when you’re sitting in class and everyone is holding hands with someone except you…. and your brother. ew. Anyway.

I’m just tired. I’m tired of being dragged here and there, and everywhere, when my heart rests in an invisible little grove full of dead trees. I’m sappy. And gross. I hate myself for it, but people don’t have much choice in this kind of thing, they just fall. Ya know? *laughs to herself* I’m sadly… in a sad place with people. i can’t do much about it. Not everyone deserves hate,

and i can’t fall out of…. these emotions without hating. And the person, doesn’t deserve my hate, or anyones hate, or malice, or even a smidgen of bad feelings.

He deserves everything to go right in his life. And if i could do that for him I would. In a heart beat. I would change everything to suit him.

and if someone else makes him happy, then i can deal with that– because he would be happy. I just…. I want him to be happy. Really.

Derringer Meryl [dripping with sap] Out