Undone

I finally finished watching Chobits, and have come to the decision that i need to make a Chii layout for this website. But finally finishing watching it makes me feel…. well it works in really well with my journal entry from yesterday. The whole point of the anime is for the main characters, Chii and Hideki, to find the person they love the most. I don’t want to ruin it for you, but lemmie tell you…

that was ONE social commentary on society that was RIGHT ON! People loving ‘things’ (persocons) more than real people. They began to ignore their loved ones because they found something that was programmed to be happy, and it didnt’ matter if they forgot their birthday, or to say thank you for dinner, or if they were romantic. The Persocons were happy no matter what. That’s the ideal person, the ideal mate. No worries, no stress, just happy, warm fuzzies! That’s the deal. Then when the people have to deal with real people, who have all sorts of emotions, they don’t understand them and withdraw more.

*sighs* I’m afraid that i’m going to have to make some kind of test, and a made up disease that inflicts people… called… SIFD. Yes, SIFD (Social Interaction and Flirtation Disorder) and then i’ll make up some fake symptoms. Like: Short uncommitted relationships, bad or even disgraceful pick up lines, drooling, tripping over the floor and/or own feet, stuttering, clingyness, and drunken actingness…. or soemthing.

I’ll make it better, and i’ll make an official website for SIFD, of course with a disclaimer and what not, so people won’t sue me. Cause God, that’s just what i need, isnt’ it? *laughs, then suddenly sobers*

No. No it isn’t. Unless the judge or the lawyer i get is really really cute! still. Lawyer and court fees in combination with tuition to college, it isn’t pretty. Not pretty at all. ick. *gags*

Red and I have been discussing the matter of Love. And our few, but still very vibrant, loves in our lives. The real kind. Not the “I’m a sophmore in Highschool and i know you must be the one for me, and i just can’t imagine life without you” type thing. Something deep and pure and … abiding, and unending. it’s something… It’s not for the person who feels it. It’s for the person it’s felt for. You want to sacrifice everything you feel, everything you are, and anything… nothing is out of the bounds for what you would give to make that person happy, even if it wasn’t with you– you want him to smile that happy smile no matter who it’s with. it’ll hurt you until you want your innards ripped out your ears, but you want him to smile that happy smile… even if it’s not to you.

And you want to know what? It’s the same kind of love no matter the gender. I love Red, and I’m almost damn sure she loves me. that’s why she always tells me the truth when i’m lying to myself about things. It’s hard to admit myself to the truth, but… it’s hard not to. She says it in the simplest way– and it makes you see it, you can’t deny it in any way. Isn’t possible.

I haven’t been feeling so well this weekend. I told Di to tell Monkey that i was deathly ill. So much for that. I think i’m glad she didnt’. I mean, my heart starts racing for no reason whatsoever, and it’s not a good thing. That is my heart rate [resting] is around one hundred BPM, and that’s no good. no good at all. I can’t live like that. i get light headed, and just… ill. Sick to my stomach. it feels like my heart is going to jump right out of my chest… i don’t know why my heart is doing this, i haven’t been caffeine queen, and i haven’t taken my amphetamines that would make my heart race like that.

It’s scary. and the two people i want to be next to me if I have to go to the hospital, aren’t here. Aren’t contactable… and for one of them, i feel that i have no one to blame but myself.

Derringer Meryl [i want to be with you] Out