Undone

Mostly, as of today, I’d really just like to get out of here,

Here being home. I would do anything to take back the bridges I’ve burned. Or– well– do anything to get out of here.

As of tomorrow, I look for a serious, grown up, 9-5 Job. And then, a serious car. and then, a serious way to get the hell out of here.

Any way I can. (well short of selling my body)

Derringer Meryl [Let me go] Out

*hums to the music* Right, so i went to my first day of school, in like, forever… okay it’s like my normal break from school, only i go monday through thursday (also known as rsday) and it’s only an hour class. I don’t know anyone, but the teacher is funny, and cusses from time to time– so i’m good.

I have a class later on this evening, Church history… which i’ll be attending with my brother, maybe. *shrugs* He’s the passive king and sure i might be the princess of “Idontwanttostanduptomyparentssoilljustdowhattheysay” but i’m far from passive, I have a bit of a back bone and i attempted to get the point across that i can make good choices all by myself.

The thing is, *coughs, then clears her throat* Why I don’t want to be in College by Derringer Meryl

First, I feel WAY-Y-Y-Y out of place because… well i feel like i’m five years old, despite the fact that i’m not, when i’m around people who attend college. They talk and the lingo makes me feel out of place.

Second, I have the maturity level of an amoeba, or the average College Age boy, which ever you choose to pick. I’d go with the amoeba. At least they asexually reproduce, and, they ask a girl before they begin to grope…. Just kidding. 😀

Third, and last, because you sit in silence before the professor comes in. I mean stone dead silence. Like you’re getting ready to take the SAT and no one can talk because it’s against the rules… cause you might cheat. I hate the silence, and I hate everyone being on different schedules, because… *shudders* i can’t pay attention because i have ADD (if you couldn’t tell by the way i write sometimes…. Ohh. Chicken….) right, and so the other noises, and movement, distracts me.

Back on the meds, you say? Never, i’d rather get my brain pumped full of lead first. Depending on my medication bothers me… but then again, i did pay (err should i say my parents paid) four-hundred dollars for the class, I guess i’m going to have to whore myself back out to the medication. *shakes her fist* stupid medication. Grrr.

Anyway, I’m dead tired. I’m not joking. This class runs into my sleeping time. Good smooth sweet sleeping time. *gurgles* Oh how i miss you sleepy time…. right. So I think i’m going to go do the happy sleep thing, and then I’m going to go… *yawn* to my other class, the one, with the religion… and the learning… and yeah, I’m going to sleep now. Adieu

Derringer Meryl [ZzZZzzZZ] Out

So I went to the High School/Family Reunion. I was there for like, an hour … maybe less, and that’s fine, because I felt sorta… mopey today. mopey: to give oneself up to brooding : become listless or dejected Yeah. I’m the brood queen. I’m a poof, and what not. (in the strict sense that I’m all … like Angel)

Yeah. Uber weird day. I don’t know how to explain it but, total drain on the brain. My poor friend who had her b/f committed, came into work crying her eyes out, because her boyfriend’s mom just ripped her to shreds. She was always a really laid back girl and now things like this are happening to her.

I don’t know where she got the bad kharma… but i feel bad for her.

*sighs* Then there’s me. I tend to focus on me, a lot. Especially in this journal, but then i figure, it’s my journal…. DUH! *shrugs* Red’s leaving at the end of the week. Makes me sad. *frowns* She’s my doll. One of the two people i’m currently addicted to, and she’s going off to college, of course she’s mainly focusing on her boyfriend, and what he thinks about her going off and exploring the wide world of… University. I don’t blame her. I’ve been in the happy place where all there is in the world is you and your guy (or if you’re a guy then you and your gal…. or if you have alternative lifestyles… whatever, you get the picture.) and you’re happy. All the time. *sighs*

Then, after that month of happiness is over, you get sad and dejected. Until you move on to the next person. *shrugs* I guess. I miss the happy. That’s why bitter people hate happy people, because they want to be them. Want to smile and feel that joy inside of them…. but instead they feel empty and cold. Nothing feels quite right without the other person.

and you end up trying to fill your life with something else…. like scrubbing carpets, or writing witty but unrealistic stories. *laughs* Okay. So I fill my hours with that kind of stuff, and yeah, it is because i’m pathetic…

don’t TRY to talk me out of it… i am, pathetic that is, i’m brooding over *shakes her head* I’m brooding because Red is in a relationship, and i’m not. Beyond that, I don’t have any DESIRE for her relationship (ie the guy she’s with) but i want one of my own.

Like i’m going to find it in my parents basement. Right. *spaces off* I just want to live– and my quality of living my life isnt’ school or writing. I know what i want.

But see, I’m not lucky. I don’t know what it is that all the other girls from my school have (or at least a good portion of them) that I dont’. The capability to have a relationship that lasts… Like my friend Bob, she and her boyfriend (Yes, her name is Bob, we call her that… her name is TOO popular to call her by it.) have gone out two years now. It’s maddening. My Friend Scarlett and her boyfriend have been going out for three…. *sighs* And I score the record high with nine months. And he didn’t even take me on a date.

Jerk…. *sighs* I’m pathetic.

Derringer Meryl [never look back] Out

Whoa. I mean WHOA.

Ever feel like you’re the old lady on the road of life? Like everyone else is zooming by while you’re stuck trying to figure out what the hell classes to take for your freshmen year in college even though you have to be registered and going by next week.

i worry. I worry a lot. I’m going in the slow lane and people are zipping past me like crazy and I can’t do anything to control what’s going on in my life. Cause just like high school, i have to go to college no matter if i want to or not. It’s not so much that i don’t want to go and learn, i just don’t know what i want to learn, or when or why, or anything.

and things happen to people. Crazy things, with sharp implements, and … happy things with other people that they care about… and unhappy things, scary and just plain life shattering things.

and I sit here, with my car stalled on the side of the road. Watching all these people I care about, get into accidents, and get married and … move and go to college and … all of this stuff, just great and horrid stuff, that changes them for the btter, and makes them learn and grow, and i’m stuck

I dont’ know why i’m stuck at the side of the road. I do things, I try to go to college, and i try to be social, but even when i’m there, it feels liek i’m watching. I’m waiting for an accident, or a happy thing, so i can help, and be happy with them, or cry with them, it’s like my life, is their life.

I live vicariously through my friends?

*sighs* Damn. I am the old person in the slow lane. I’ve aged like… twenty years, and i’ve missed all the fun stuff in life. Like… getting married and having kids, and …. growing up with someone I love.

Tomorrow my friends and I are having a little Bon Voyage Party, because everyone starts to leave for their own colleges this week, and i’m like the Xander of the group… i just sorta drift now. I’ll always be there, but i’m not doing much, not making much out of my life… But steady.

I dont’ know how to explain it without sounding like an after school special.

Life gets too complicated, too quickly. I thought i had it bad when I didn’t know what to do with Monkey sometimes…. how to act and what not,

i have friends aching for something that small to be their crisis. My Friend checked her Boyfriend into the psych ward, and his mom’s gone berserk.

I’m so amazed. And speechless. And proud. She’s had to grow up really quick recently. I’m so happy to see her… growing in ways i didn’t think she would ever have to.

What a day. and it’s about to start all over again.

Amazing

Derringer Meryl [and he walked away] Out

Happiness all around.

Red has a guy friend from the net, whom she is totally and completely crushing on, I got a new pair of pants and two new shirts for all my trouble at work, and —

despite the fact that I don’t have new job, and I still live at home…. I’m happy. I mean how can I not be? My best friend is happy, and slightly link-ed-ish, so that’s happy news!

Oh and the new picture on the diary. Right. I got it from Eden (Click the artist link at the top, it’ll take you to Jason Chan’s website) and I goofed with it a little, hope Jason doesn’t mind…. ^_^;;

I’m working on finishing off my real journal soon, only fifty or so pages left. It makes me feel so GREAT when i finish a journal off. The next one I want to look like a comic book, it’s spiral bound and has Cat Woman on the front. It absolutely love it. It’s probably going to be my most colorful Journal yet.

I’m so happy, I went to (I really need to spend time thinking of nickname’s for my friends… this takes too long.) I’ll call him Monkey, because the monkey on my desk has the same name has him. ;D Well for the first time I went to his house sans Marco. It was nice, not that I didn’t get the grill when I got home because I went to his house (hello, with permission) and my mom forgot to ask if anyone else would be there. *sighs* It’s the catch-phrase of the moment, but I need to move out.

I know, maybe i’ll take some little certification classes like Excel and some other programs, and see what I can do. People want experience, and if I can be all certified, it’s certainly a start. I’m not sure if i’m into the whole college thing, I just want to write, and I want people to listen, I don’t know if I have to spend fourty years at college for that, or if i need to send my manuscripts to Oprah. whatever, i just need to get on the ball.

Priorities

– Get a Good Job, Pays well

– Get a Car, Point a to b, runs etc.

– Move OUT, preferably sans roommate in the traditional roommate-ie sense.

There ya go. What I need to do. Sure, I’d like to take a few classes at the college, just because the college experience…. well, I think If I experience more things then my readers will be able to relate to me more.

Whatever.

Derringer Meryl [Teach Me Yoda] Out