Undone

You know those moments in romantic movies where you swoon just a little and think “why doesn’t that ever happen to me?” it’s because it just … doesn’t happen like that.

For example….

It’s prom (or equally fancy schmancy dance), and the “destined” couple are dancing, and it’s beautiful. Her dress is beautiful, the music is beautiful…. everything is perfect. He starts to sing, as they slowly make their way around the floor, she blushes, embarassed.

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

She looks over the city scape out the large window. A glitter and glow. Sparkling like a million diamonds the sun set casting it’s last rays of glow over the dim mountains on the horizon.

My hands are tied
My body bruised, shes got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

The girl appears to be thinking about the moments to follow — the things she shouldn’t say that are welling within her. The perfectly scripted words trill from her lips in her sweet and endearing voice. Meek and lovable. She peers up through her lashes to her date.

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

“thank you.” she says tears welling in her eyes. The perfect end to the perfect date.  she stands on her tip toes just a little to give him a kiss, building into a deeper more passionate one.

I cant live
With or without you

The song ends beautifully, the room drains slowly, as people know the night has ended. Our couple delays, waiting, trying  to extend the evening. They stand by the large windows, spanning the ceiling to the floor. Holding each other closely, the evening ends, the sun has set, the room is empty but themselves and a few stragglers.

“I’ll Never Forget you.” he whispers huskily.  Tears run down her face freely. Her dress is beautiful, the night is perfect.

and the day is done.

——————

I find it amazing that as a culture we are so obsessed with happy endings. I know that overall we wish things would work out better. we aim for it. But happiness comes with a price. The price of being happy is sadness. You wouldn’t know how great it is to be where you are, unless you’d been somewhere else that was worse.

it’s hard to imagine needing sadness. To need the downs. No one likes the sad endings when the come, but– it’s all part of a cycle. You get out of life what you put into it– but if that was to stand to reason– that nothing bad would ever happen to someone who only does good things. Right? The never ending quandry of “Why do bad things happen to good people?”

We aren’t good people. We aren’t bad people. We are people. our actions and behaviours– will be judged by a higher being at another time.  I contend, by my prior statement– bad things happen to people.  Doesn’t that make more sense? I’m sure that wouldn’t sate or comfort someone in their time of need– I would in fact further contend that things are not bad or good (death, money troubles, marriage, divorce, childbirth, etc)  that these are just things. Events I would say.  So Things happen to people.  There’s  your answer. Why do bad things happen to good people. Because THINGS happen to PEOPLE. Sometimes they are good or bad, and honestly, things cannot discriminate amid good and bad people. Things just happen the way they do.

Sometimes… things happen to people. And you can fight it, and you can hide in your basement and become a hermit– but things happen.

People will get mad, sad, angry, happy, glad, joyus, determined, and a world of other emotions. Time marches on. Time heals most wounds, and some it doesn’t. And people will, most usually if they are determined to, get over it.  Time will erode memories, bodies, passion, all things physical. It will wash you clean.

Derringer Meryl [Feeling a bit… out there today] Out

and this one time, at band camp….

Oh, right, nevermind about that. I just got done watching The Best of Will Ferrell who is, admittedly, one of the funniest guys who was ever on SNL. (Which happens to be one of my favorite shows!) It made me get my mind off things for a little while. It’s a good thing, for me to occasionally regain my mind from the desolate wasteland of thought.

And some people think that thinking too much isn’t possible. God, lock them in a room with me for an hour, and they’ll change their mind, to the extra extreme.

I over think everything. what i’m wearing, how my hair looks, how I look, if i’m good enough for everyone’s standards. Then I think about other stuff, not my stuff, not directly related to me… Like my friends. Like if Red is going to be able to get all of her homework and her debate stuff done and not flip out, and spiritually die because of the stress, or I think about how my Boss really Really needs a date, because he’s so unbelievably grouchy about stuff, and then I wonder what i can do about any of it. Like everyone’s problem is my problem, and while i know i can’t fix them all myself, I like to be able to … help. Say “I did a little good, huzzah, and maybe they feel a little bit better.” It’s more selfish than it is selfless. I figure, i feel better, they feel better, and we all benefit.

have you ever just drove past someones house, and just not gone in, or like stopped or anything, but you just drive by to reassure yourself that they’re okay. Like driving by can do that, but you feel better just… seeing their house…

Okay. I’m a psycho. I just like to drive past places that comfort me. But between shooting up on Junk and driving past someone’s house once in a while, i think the driving past is … well less abusive to msyelf, and very much not illegal. unless they have a restriction against you, in which case i’d say, you’re a sick little puppy.

Im not tired, but i can’t sleep–

probably because i have constant conspiracy theories running through my brain ….

Derringer Meryl [trust no one] Out

I haven’t really slept in over a week, except for today. I came home from …. I think it was the Game Crazy, or did i go somewhere after? I don’t know, but i slept until… nearly eleven.

Exhaustion…. Deathly helpful.

Currently listening to: My angry music. Okay, so I tell people, angry music, makes me feel better. And it does, sometimes, and other times– it makes me more angry. Right now, i think it’s helping me from going insane and doing things not so … helpful to me. *smirks* Red, i think you know what i’m talking about….. maybe ;D. Who knows. I’m barely coherent.

I was thinking today as i made my cookies…. (For Marco) about how some addictions aren’t that bad. Like the addiction to air. I mean I can’t live without it. [addict: to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively] Yeah, that. I get addicted to people, but unlike heroine or crack, you can’t go pick it up off the street for a pretty penny. When you’re addicted to somebody, they can say NO, and walk away.

It hurts.

And that person never sees you when you aren’t getting a fix. They don’t know what you’re like when you’re strung out and not getting what you need. Oh but people can vouch. I’m addicted to a lot of people. Like Red. When she went to DC I nearly killed Staples. Poor Poor Staples. *spaces for a few minutes*

And I mean, there’s nothing you can do, you can’t get help for something like that. Cheeze and crackers. If I told my therapist that i thought i was addicted to people (in a non-sucking their blood sense) she’d probably send me off to the looney bin.

How un-helpful.

And my kidneys hurt, for some reason. *shrugs* i’m sure i’ll understand in the morning.

I was discussing with Marco how people have been irreversibly screwed up through televsion and the media. I mean, you see Orlando Bloom so much and then you sorta start to want to… like… marry him, or possibly screw him, or something. And back in the day, that didn’t happen. You knew like five people your age and of the opposite sex. They were your choice for sexual fantasies, or whatever. I’m not even sure people back in the day HAD sexual fantasies. *shrugs* But see, no one talked about it. I mean, if you thought keeping up with the Jones’ was hard in the fifties, try knowing about their sex life and THEN keep up with them. *sighs* Sure, sharing is caring, but for the love of God, keep something to yourself.

I mean i don’t NEED to know the last time Angelina Jolie had sex, and with who… and it’s her right to share, but i dont’ like to hear about it. Besides that, I’ve seen more of her body than I have of my own, and i’m DAMN sure i didn’t want to.

this is the blessing of the television. I know these things because of it. Entertainment rules our lives, and we want to think that we own it, and that we’re it’s master, but in all honesty, we’re our Id’s bitch at this point in time. It says “I want to Get laid, NOW” and so we do who ever is near by. Think i’m lying? I’m not. My Id has tried it, tried to pull stuff like that on me. I’m just… over active thought pattern.

How else could i live and be so pure? Ah yes, the thinking… a curse… and sometimes a blessing. How I hate thee thinking.

Oh, Yeah, did i tell you? i’m a closet Britney spears fan. I hate myself….

Derringer Meryl [Something…. uninhibited] Out