Undone

Life would be SO much easier if it was like a math problem. You could solve it, and, on monday when the teacher gives you the answer, you can go back and look at the problem and see what you did wrong, if anything. Sure if you were stupid enough to write in pen, you might have to re-copy your homework, but that’s really your own fault. But you can erase…. or white out. and you can look at a problem, and walk away, go watch some tv, and come back and solve it because your mind is clear.

But life isnt’ that way, unfortunately. Big choices, that you have to make quickly, and there isnt’ any just erasing what happens. there isn’t any, …. people are involved. People with emotions, and dreams and thoughts, and perceptions. That’s why, i guess, thinking all the time is a blessing. Sometimes you know exactly what to say, and the rest of the time you stick your foot in your mouth. Thinking ahead, about what choices you want in life, it helps you aim for the goal.

…. like a temple marriage…. *shrugs* knowing that i don’t want a husband who is a religion nazi, and that loves me, and only one thing in the world more than me, God. Who doesn’t look at girls and thinks “Could I have done better?” and NEVER EVER comes up with the answer of yes. Who loves the occult, but doesn’t worship it, but safely admires it from a distance. Knows things he probably shouldn’t, but not from experience, from others stupid mistakes (like exactly how to mix drinks, or what a fluffer is…) I don’t need a preacher to get married to, I have a Bishop, I have a father, and I have a conscience, and i don’t need one more person telling me i’m going to hell.

he knows i’m a woman, knows what that means, and knows that i am in no way less than him. (In fact scientifically the more orifices that an animal has, the more evolutionarily advanced it is. SO HAH!!) We’d be a little different. We may think different ways, but would be able to compromise in a way to make both of us happy. I would never hear the words “Honey, I’m really thirsty, i need a drink.” coming from his mouth unless in dire circumstances of illness or injury.

He’d make me laugh. Daily. His smile will be a little crooked when we shared a joke, and no matter what, it’d make me feel the same way. Special. Pure and clean, like light was shining out through my pores. He and I would have a few things in common, but he’d participate in a few things i did (like poetry readings) that he didn’t like, and i’d participate in things i don’t necessarily like (Car Races? I don’t know, i’ve never been in a relationship long enough for a guy to suggest an activity i didn’t like.) and we’d be happy.

If he had a bad day at work, i’d do everything to make it better. He’d keep a journal and be in touch with his feminine side, and not afraid to admit it. He’d do his share of house work, and i’d have to teach him to do the laundry, but it’d all turn out okay. He’d talk to me while I cook dinner, which of course i’ll burn, and we’d eat it anyway. he’d hold my hand on the escalators at the mall, and we’d go into stores together, and i’d never whine, or him either for that matter.

and he’s all in my head. I see parts of him in guys I meet from day to day…. Gert, Monkey, Marco, Frienjamin, Johnny Depp (new nickname for another Co-worker), My teachers, just– guys. Everywhere. I notice what they do, what they don’t do, and what i want my future husband to do. I’m willing to bend on things. I have to be. I mean, that’s damn near the perfect guy i listed there, (I know I’ve been looking) and obviously I’m sure as hell not perfect. (Note the Hell)

I’m hopeless.

Derringer Meryl [Hello Spinsterhood] Out