Undone

I am the oldest continuous blog in my family now since the Specialist stopped blogging. Whoo. Been doing it since 2001 and I don’t see me stopping any time soon.  Mostly because I may not get much feed back from people but I enjoy writing and listening to myself “talk” which is why I do blog.

I have been trying to write in a personal journal too, which makes things hard. I started medication January 14 (wahoo) and have been trying to use my personal journal to monitor if it’s actually working. I feel like it is. Which feels good, but on the other hand it feels weird. I sometimes feel like I am still VERY anxious about things, however the rhyme and reason of it has been removed… for example, i think of it like a math equation 3+4=7 (obviously) however it’s harder to understand what’s going on when you just put 3 4 7 without any indicators of what’s going on. I suppose if you had one more number in there it could make a pattern… maybe 3 4 7 11… But I’m getting off topic here…. without the mathematical symbols to tell you what the numbers are doing, they become nonsensical. like my brain trying to be anxious on drugs….

Our disneyland vacation starts in 14 days, i am ecstatic.

also as of tuesday, Scott and i will have known each other 6 years! Amazing! i would say it seems like just yesterday, but it doesn’t. It feels like a lifetime ago. It’s also the same day that Dave passed away 5 years ago. it feels surreal.

Derringer Meryl [living backwards] out

To the casual observer, i am a very social person. I can, on occasion, discuss at ease topics with people and even relate to others in an empathetic manner. I’m a nice girl. I’ll give myself that much. I’ve found upon reviewing myself that my actions in a social situation are purely selfish, even those that are well meaning. In a social setting I use being socially active (engaging in conversation, playing games, teasing etc) as  a defense mechanism against myself. I wouldn’t say that I hear voices per say as so much as I hear myself. the part of myself that is self deprecating and usually allows myself to fall into some weird shame cycle when I am alone and unoccupied.  I am usually always busy or always thinking about something for this reason. As I understand it normal people allow their minds to go blank on occasion, and even relax. I am consistently making lists, discussing and keeping myself engaged to prevent myself from… well getting to myself. It’s like a wall I build up.

So the fact that in social situations I am usually looking like I’m mugging to be the center of attention, I suppose I am, because if other people are paying attention to me my neurosis have to focus on the other people instead of myself. Though typically I wonder about what they’re thinking about me, and how weird I am, or how unsophisticated I am, uncouth etc. Instead of focusing on my shame spiral about how i”m not worth anything.

I think I have done an excellent job of keeping myself occupied, i don’t think I’ve had a shame spiral for a very long time. This does however make things like falling asleep pretty hard…. which is weird.

I have been thinking more about the story idea i had. I think i was looking at it a bit too pidgeon hole-d. I have been trying to expand my views as the book is more about women and my own specific brand of feminism. Which I’m sure sounds weird. 😉 I think more along the lines of stereo types. It’s hard to explain… without going into specifics.

I keep really wanting to get a diary so i can write some of it out.  However I am pretty busy pretty much all of the time, so finding the time to write down anything in addition to actually finding time to buy something to write my ideas down in… well it’s just a little ridiculous, don’t you think? though I do find writing physically (IE pen and paper) to be very therapeutic. Something about ink and paper is amazing to me. I love journaling. I suppose that’s why I have kept a blog so long. 😉

Thinking of names for characters, off to nymbler

derringer meryl [THEY] Out