Undone

i am trying (TRYING) to write a story. Not even a novel, or a novella, not anything trying to be presumptuous. I’m trying to dig back into something I’ve kind of shut myself off from (writing) and it’s H-A-R-D. Seriously. It’s not like another hobby you can put down for a few years and then just pick it back up again, No problems. It’s killin’ me. I feel though, like the story is burning to get out of me. I feel like I should write it hot and fast and just… put the fire out.

It’s like holding a breath in, or dieting. All you can think about is when you get to breathe again, or eat something GOOD. I’m frustrated.

No. I won’t be posting the story on the blog. Not that you wanted to read it anyway. Like I said. Hot and fast. Messy, and angry and OUT.

I remember when I was like… 10, I found my brother’s offspring CD, and was reading the lyrics, and found that it said “ass” in it (HA!) and totally snitched to my parents. He was PISSED! 15 years later, I’m jammin’ to the same band, same songs, loving them! (Currently listening to “Want you Bad”) But the thing is 10 year old me, just didn’t know what it’s like being an adult. Maybe I should try living up to 10 year old me’s standards, but… I think sometimes we miss out on some good things in life (good music, good people) because we can’t look past what we might deem as “wrong”

Your one vice
It’s you’re too nice
Come around now can you see
Don’t get me wrong
I know you’re only being good
But that’s what’s wrong
I guess I just misunderstood

Derringer Meryl [Lyric spew?] Out

To the casual observer, i am a very social person. I can, on occasion, discuss at ease topics with people and even relate to others in an empathetic manner. I’m a nice girl. I’ll give myself that much. I’ve found upon reviewing myself that my actions in a social situation are purely selfish, even those that are well meaning. In a social setting I use being socially active (engaging in conversation, playing games, teasing etc) as  a defense mechanism against myself. I wouldn’t say that I hear voices per say as so much as I hear myself. the part of myself that is self deprecating and usually allows myself to fall into some weird shame cycle when I am alone and unoccupied.  I am usually always busy or always thinking about something for this reason. As I understand it normal people allow their minds to go blank on occasion, and even relax. I am consistently making lists, discussing and keeping myself engaged to prevent myself from… well getting to myself. It’s like a wall I build up.

So the fact that in social situations I am usually looking like I’m mugging to be the center of attention, I suppose I am, because if other people are paying attention to me my neurosis have to focus on the other people instead of myself. Though typically I wonder about what they’re thinking about me, and how weird I am, or how unsophisticated I am, uncouth etc. Instead of focusing on my shame spiral about how i”m not worth anything.

I think I have done an excellent job of keeping myself occupied, i don’t think I’ve had a shame spiral for a very long time. This does however make things like falling asleep pretty hard…. which is weird.

I have been thinking more about the story idea i had. I think i was looking at it a bit too pidgeon hole-d. I have been trying to expand my views as the book is more about women and my own specific brand of feminism. Which I’m sure sounds weird. 😉 I think more along the lines of stereo types. It’s hard to explain… without going into specifics.

I keep really wanting to get a diary so i can write some of it out.  However I am pretty busy pretty much all of the time, so finding the time to write down anything in addition to actually finding time to buy something to write my ideas down in… well it’s just a little ridiculous, don’t you think? though I do find writing physically (IE pen and paper) to be very therapeutic. Something about ink and paper is amazing to me. I love journaling. I suppose that’s why I have kept a blog so long. 😉

Thinking of names for characters, off to nymbler

derringer meryl [THEY] Out