Undone

So I (seems like ages ago) had a miscarriage. You all remember. It’s nearly been 10 years. We were discussing this at work. Mostly because I said that a woman’s fertility is a sensitive issue.

It is.

Once upon a time, after i had my miscarriage, within 3 months I’d say, I was out visiting teaching. I was in a new ward. Instead of approaching the issue of me not having kids with a genuine desire to get to know me better, in a sweet way asking “Are you and Scott planning on starting a family soon?” or even a base “How long have you been married?” SOMETHING, my companion jumped in with a “Gosh Meryl, you better start having kids!” or something teasing of that sort. Teasing is for people who (on some level) know each other, and are comfortable with each other. I don’t know them. I remember smiling tightly. Smiling was hard. Being outside was hard, watching her drape her baby over her arm in exasperation was hard. So I said what I could, as nice as I could.

“I actually just had a miscarriage.”

and then i just let the room get awkward. I wanted them to be ashamed of asking. Because honestly– it’s no one’s business but mine and my husband’s. I have friends I talk about my fertility with. I have people I empathize with when they struggle. It’s a weird thing for a woman, to have a hard time getting pregnant, staying pregnant, etc. You feel broken. When people ask about it like it’s just as easy as walking to the mailbox– it’s frustrating. I didn’t know that people had a hard time getting/staying pregnant. I think before that I knew… two people. Total. Now I know MANY women who struggle with fertility issues of all kind. Their stories are heartbreaking. It doesn’t make them less, but it can make them feel less. You’re not quite a woman if you can’t have a baby. For me it was the thing I had grown up thinking and dreaming of. Having kids, having a family with my husband. I know it’s a bit stereo typical– but it was always what I wanted. And the fact that there was a speed bump on the way to it, it was devastating.

Could I have said something nicer? Like “Oh we’re trying.” or “How do we do that?” something funny and clever. I was depressed, I was sad. I was broken. I wanted to make those people feel an equal amount of awkwardness for how much hurt I felt in my heart. It was a moment of weakness, and I made a bad decision.

Moral of the story: Don’t ask people about their baby making progress unless you are prepared to hear a real answer.

Derringer Meryl [Babies] Out

yesterday I signed up for being able to view my labs and stuff online! It’s super cool, quite frankly I love it. It’ll show me labs for pretty much back to 2000… which once again, is flippin’ cool.

I like reading that stuff. I learned things that my doctors never deigned to tell me. LIke that I had a hematoma with my daughter Audrey … it’s apparently REALLY normal (according to the internet) but no one ever chose to tell me. She was also breech at her 20 week appt. Maybe I’ll never have a head down baby. little jerks!

I also found the lab reports for my unborn baby from 2005. It was heart breaking. This blog, while public, is probably the only place I’ll mention it. Though my husband did just abscond with the computer a moment ago, so I suppose he read it…

I realized as well last night the time between my last daughter’s birth and now (and every day still) is the longest time I’ve been NOT pregnant in our entire marriage. Which is weird to think about.

Yes I am thinking about babies a lot lately.

Yes I understand I sound quite strange.

Yes I should probably not think about it so much since we’re still waiting.

No. I am not going to explain to you why this is important to me. It’s special and I don’t want to talk about it with people who are just going to roll their eyes at how I feel. It’s kind of an on going policy.

Also i don’t consider myself to be like, a baby churning out machine. Clearly I am able to exercise restraint in having children, as I don’t have 25, and If I did have 25 kids (not sure if possible at my age) who the hugs business is it but mine and my husband’s how many kids we decide to have (3, thank you very much). I realize i’m getting defensive at a conversation I’m having essentially with myself, but welcome to my life.

Anyway. I love being pregnant, even though it’s hard. It *IS* hard. But I love it. I love tiny babies, I love watching my kids grow, and helping them be great people. I am just looking forward to doing it again.

Derringer Meryl [BAAAAAAAAAAAAABIES] Out

A few girls on my message board are having problems with their marriages. I feel so badly. I wish I could somehow help them, instill some of the happiness that I have.

Something that keeps me happy is having my wedding pictures up. It seems like a DUMB thing, but honestly, it’s one of the best days of my life. Looking at the pictures helps me remember that. Helps me say “Look at Scott, look at how much he loves me. You can see it in his face.” when some days I don’t get to see him, and honestly some days our passing each other is enough to hand off babies and fall asleep. Every minute of our life isn’t happily ever after, and I’ll admit sometimes I get mad about STUPID STUFF (DISHES!!) and it’s nice that when I roll over in bed and think about how I can’t sleep and Scott slept all day (though to be quite frank it’s not about quantity it’s about quality… and, well that’s something else entirely…) and I see our wedding pictures we have hanging on our wall… and I feel so good. I wish I had more pictures on my walls. I LOVE pictures. which is why people get them as gifts from me so often (Mom and Dad ;)) Because it’s a beautiful thing to be able to capture a moment, and remember it forever. I wish I could take pictures. I mean I can, I’m just not… magic about it. Maybe someday I’ll invest some time in it… I’m borrowing my Dad’s nice camera (Ok, not his NEW camera, but a very nice one nonetheless…) and It’d probably be good If i learned how to use it a little.

Even if I never learn, and never get good, I love pictures. I have pictures from when my nephews were little and visited with me all the time, it’s good to remember all these things. i have pictures hanging out with my family on the front porch. I took pictures (as snap-shotty as ever) of The Boy’s First Birthday…. I wish we had taken pictures like we had with Katie for Audrey. With Katie we got a picture of EVERYONE the first time they held her. Those are some of my favorite pictures. I have one of The Specialist holding Katie and I remember the “argument” that Sukie had with him moments before to hold her. The Specialist didn’t want to. They were leaving, Sukie had left the room, and he held her…. And see right now I remember Sukie holding Audrey and saying to Wudan to hold her and get used to it again LOL. I don’t have a picture of Wudan holding Audrey though, so I won’t remember it. I’m sure the memory will fade eventually. I remember with my wedding that between pictures I was humming Brick by Ben Folds Five. I had it stuck in my head, and it was HORRIBLE (it’s a horrible song to have stuck in your head on your wedding day). I have a picture of Scott’s dad giving us bunny ears as we posed. I remember thinking that I’d just edit him out so we could have a nice picture– but I would never ever change it now.

I am feeling grateful for life, grateful for all my happy memories, and the ability to remember them.

Derringer Meryl [wallpaper my life] Out

<<<<  I wrote this in a steam room on my message board I go to. The only thing it’s missing are the emoticons…. which I’m too lazy to steal, and really you’re not missing much. This post doesn’t actually refer to anyone I know in real life. Mostly I would say the INTERNET has made me feel bad about my decision to have a C-section, no one i know personally. I thought I’d get that out there before I get asked “I don’t make you feel bad do i?” and the answer is no. You don’t. Trust me. Everyone I know has been VERY supportive in my choices, and I even discussed it somewhat with my mom before I chose it. If Life was perfect, things would progress differently than they do sometimes. In a perfect world I’d probably labor at home and then go to a nataloc (look it up people) and give birth and feel so proud of myself and my body. But I sacrafice my pride to protect myself, my husband and my children…. So without further ado– My C-Section Rant.>>>>

Why do I feel like…. because I “chose” to have my C-section that I should feel like I’m a bad mom. WTH?!

Like I should be apologizing that I wasn’t able to do a natural birth. I really respect people who do that, and honestly If I wasn’t such:

1)a big fat chicken
2) a previous C-section mommy
3) afraid of my own body

I probably would have done MORE to have a natural birth. But why is it that everyone looks down on C-sections? I feel like people are making C-section mommies into second class citizens. Like we don’t love our kids as much or something because we either A) chose not to or B) weren’t able to go through the labor process naturally.

And I voice my irritation at this and people say “Well you didn’t CHOOSE it, your baby was breech”

NO, that’s not true. I DID choose it. My doctor said “we can try and turn her and induce you, or we can just go for the c-section” and I CHOSE the c-section. I said “Sign me up for that!” and i didn’t realize the stigma or the crippling grief that would come from it. Will I spend the rest of my life being looked down on because of my choice? That’s disgusting! Why can’t everyone have the “I respect your decision, but that’s not the choice for me” attitude? <<Side bar, I feel that I try my best to have this attitude to other moms who choose other things. I couldn’t do a natural birth. I couldn’t, and might I add wouldn’t have my child at home… but for people who can and do, great for them!!! Not for me!>> I go to websites that I’m sure are supposed to be well meaning trying to warn women of the dangers of a C-section and why they aren’t good… and… I just feel dirty. I feel like they are spewing hate.  <<To be a bit more in detail here, I feel like I’m supposedly lazy or something because I didn’t give birth. I just had a baby. I didn’t LABOR, I didn’t WORK.  That it’s the easy man’s way out of having a baby. I can’t say! I don’t know! I haven’t done both! But I can tell you it’s not like it’s a picnic. I can remember I couldn’t lay down. My legs swelled up a lot due to the fact they were out of use for 24 hours. I have a scar and this lovely little flap of skin that hangs over it because all my skin is stretched out! Each C-section I have seals my fate as a permanent C-section mom. As much as I’d love to try natural, I cannot face the idea of a uterine rupture. Any chance is TOO big of a chance. I have even scaled back the number of children I want to have due to this risk.>>

I realize that a lot of my depression came from having a c-section last time, but at the same time I think it also came from not feeling like I was respected for the choice I made. Like I was lazy or stupid or inconsiderate for doing what I did. That my doctor (who is/was an amazing OB and always respected my feelings and wishes) was lazy and just wanted to get me out of the way.

I should not be ASHAMED to say I’ve had a c-section. I should not feel like I’m not a good mom because of the way I have given birth. Plenty of BAD mom’s, mom’s who hit and abuse and are just terrible to their children gave birth naturally. Hell. I’m sure bad moms have existed a LOT longer than the C-section has. But it’s not fair though that now days when we have so much medical knowledge, and so much tolerance for SO many things, that we as women can look down on each other for our mothering choices. Everyone thinks what they choose is right. And they are (for the most part) right! What you choose for your child is going to be more right for you, and for them, than what I could choose for them!

As much as I love and respect the opinions of the women here <<<On my Message board, not really relevant to my blog, but I do love a lot of people who read my  blog!>>>, I can’t let anyone belittle me, or the choices I have made. My daughter sleeps in a big girl bed and I put a gate in front of her door to keep her in her room. I work. I have c-sections. I breastfeed, but *gasp* only to a year.

And other moms do other things. And that’s that.

Can’t we just keep in mind that other choices don’t mean they’re bad…. they’re just different.

Derringer Meryl [People are People] Out