Undone

2004-08-12 – 6:50 p.m.

I have to do this, because, I guess, it’s kinda part of a healing process for me, If I didn’t do it on here, I’d have to dig out an old journal and do it… *sighs* So I’m doing it here.

Today was Marci’s funeral. It was odd. Before the funeral, I felt fine. No tears, and only the apprehension that i’d end up stepping on someone’s toes with my large mouth. (so I kept it shut.) We walked in to find a display of everything Marci, and a very touching slide show. I immediately burst into tears. One of the first few pictures I saw was of Marci, Kristianne and I. Presumably from before The Specialist and Antigone’s wedding. (I think so, *shrugs*) My face was kinda hidden– So maybe it wasn’t me. Maybe I was just wishing it was. Wishing I had been a better friend to Marci.

We went to the chapel and sat down. I didn’t know the viewing was still going on, and I had no clue that The Specialist and Antigone were anywhere around. I wasn’t really thinking well at the moment. (still not really thinking too well.) Wudan and Sukie came and told us to go see them in the Relief Society room. Scott and I didn’t get to say anything to them, I felt kinda like we intruded on a moment just for family. That’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. How could I have been closer to Marci? Heck, how can I be closer to my entire family, and friends? I admire how Sukie and Wudan rushed to help her family and comfort them.

I wanted to give Kristianne a big hug and tell her I love her so much…. But didn’t. I don’t know why I’m so silly like that. I’m just… so silly. I hope someone tells her that. That I love her very much. I wish, at times like this, I was closer to home to be of some use. To comfort.

Like I said, I didn’t get to talk to Either Antigone or The Specialist. But The Specialist did walk past me, and I squoze his hand. I wish I could have convayed everything I wanted to have said at that moment. That I love him very much, no matter what. That I wish I could be a bigger part of his life now, that I miss him so much, and I was sorry for their loss. Too bad a hand squeeze doesn’t do that.

I wanted to Hug Marci’s whole family, and say something deep and meaningful that would help them feel better. I didn’t for fear that anything I might have said would be trite and possibly offensive.

Scott and I opted not to go to the interment. I didn’t feel it was really mine, or Scott’s, place. I hope The Specialist and Antigone understand why.

I wish I was clever. I wish I knew what words to say to make even a moment better. I wish I was eloquent and made you understand how I feel in this.

But I’m not. And all i can say is I miss her. I miss her smile. I miss how good she made me feel about being me.

I just do.

Derringer Meryl [tissue bonanza] Out