Undone

A few girls on my message board are having problems with their marriages. I feel so badly. I wish I could somehow help them, instill some of the happiness that I have.

Something that keeps me happy is having my wedding pictures up. It seems like a DUMB thing, but honestly, it’s one of the best days of my life. Looking at the pictures helps me remember that. Helps me say “Look at Scott, look at how much he loves me. You can see it in his face.” when some days I don’t get to see him, and honestly some days our passing each other is enough to hand off babies and fall asleep. Every minute of our life isn’t happily ever after, and I’ll admit sometimes I get mad about STUPID STUFF (DISHES!!) and it’s nice that when I roll over in bed and think about how I can’t sleep and Scott slept all day (though to be quite frank it’s not about quantity it’s about quality… and, well that’s something else entirely…) and I see our wedding pictures we have hanging on our wall… and I feel so good. I wish I had more pictures on my walls. I LOVE pictures. which is why people get them as gifts from me so often (Mom and Dad ;)) Because it’s a beautiful thing to be able to capture a moment, and remember it forever. I wish I could take pictures. I mean I can, I’m just not… magic about it. Maybe someday I’ll invest some time in it… I’m borrowing my Dad’s nice camera (Ok, not his NEW camera, but a very nice one nonetheless…) and It’d probably be good If i learned how to use it a little.

Even if I never learn, and never get good, I love pictures. I have pictures from when my nephews were little and visited with me all the time, it’s good to remember all these things. i have pictures hanging out with my family on the front porch. I took pictures (as snap-shotty as ever) of The Boy’s First Birthday…. I wish we had taken pictures like we had with Katie for Audrey. With Katie we got a picture of EVERYONE the first time they held her. Those are some of my favorite pictures. I have one of The Specialist holding Katie and I remember the “argument” that Sukie had with him moments before to hold her. The Specialist didn’t want to. They were leaving, Sukie had left the room, and he held her…. And see right now I remember Sukie holding Audrey and saying to Wudan to hold her and get used to it again LOL. I don’t have a picture of Wudan holding Audrey though, so I won’t remember it. I’m sure the memory will fade eventually. I remember with my wedding that between pictures I was humming Brick by Ben Folds Five. I had it stuck in my head, and it was HORRIBLE (it’s a horrible song to have stuck in your head on your wedding day). I have a picture of Scott’s dad giving us bunny ears as we posed. I remember thinking that I’d just edit him out so we could have a nice picture– but I would never ever change it now.

I am feeling grateful for life, grateful for all my happy memories, and the ability to remember them.

Derringer Meryl [wallpaper my life] Out