Undone

So I (seems like ages ago) had a miscarriage. You all remember. It’s nearly been 10 years. We were discussing this at work. Mostly because I said that a woman’s fertility is a sensitive issue.

It is.

Once upon a time, after i had my miscarriage, within 3 months I’d say, I was out visiting teaching. I was in a new ward. Instead of approaching the issue of me not having kids with a genuine desire to get to know me better, in a sweet way asking “Are you and Scott planning on starting a family soon?” or even a base “How long have you been married?” SOMETHING, my companion jumped in with a “Gosh Meryl, you better start having kids!” or something teasing of that sort. Teasing is for people who (on some level) know each other, and are comfortable with each other. I don’t know them. I remember smiling tightly. Smiling was hard. Being outside was hard, watching her drape her baby over her arm in exasperation was hard. So I said what I could, as nice as I could.

“I actually just had a miscarriage.”

and then i just let the room get awkward. I wanted them to be ashamed of asking. Because honestly– it’s no one’s business but mine and my husband’s. I have friends I talk about my fertility with. I have people I empathize with when they struggle. It’s a weird thing for a woman, to have a hard time getting pregnant, staying pregnant, etc. You feel broken. When people ask about it like it’s just as easy as walking to the mailbox– it’s frustrating. I didn’t know that people had a hard time getting/staying pregnant. I think before that I knew… two people. Total. Now I know MANY women who struggle with fertility issues of all kind. Their stories are heartbreaking. It doesn’t make them less, but it can make them feel less. You’re not quite a woman if you can’t have a baby. For me it was the thing I had grown up thinking and dreaming of. Having kids, having a family with my husband. I know it’s a bit stereo typical– but it was always what I wanted. And the fact that there was a speed bump on the way to it, it was devastating.

Could I have said something nicer? Like “Oh we’re trying.” or “How do we do that?” something funny and clever. I was depressed, I was sad. I was broken. I wanted to make those people feel an equal amount of awkwardness for how much hurt I felt in my heart. It was a moment of weakness, and I made a bad decision.

Moral of the story: Don’t ask people about their baby making progress unless you are prepared to hear a real answer.

Derringer Meryl [Babies] Out

I have an odd passion. It really is odd.

Fertility.

I enjoy talking to people about babies, and not even that, ovulating, signs that you’re ovulating,  obsessively testing, etc etc. I love it. I know a lot about the treatments for PCOS (for the uninitiated it’s Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and about taking your temp every day and charting it to see when you are more than likely ovulating. I am … a fertility geek. LOVE it.

A constant lesson in my life (in relation to my fertility FBH-ness) is that another person’s happiness doesn’t diminish yours, and to be patient. In 2005, I got pregnant, and i was excited, and it was a hard time too. I came home early from work one day, because I was feeling horrible, and wanted to lay down. I will be honest that when I came home Scott and I got in an argument. After we got through that, I went into the bathroom, and (of course) wiped, the  TP came out pink. I hurriedly called the doctor. I got into see a GYN that day (fat lot of good that did me. hah) and she ordered a Beta test. Now, excuse me while I break this down for you. a Beta test not only checks the hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin), but checks to make sure it doubles. This is called a quantitative beta test. The numbers should double every 24-48 hours. Mine did not. I went in for an ultrasound with my (JERK FACE) Obgyn, and I saw my baby. it took my breath away. I think that moment ruined me for all later ultrasounds, a little bit. My eyes welled up as I looked at my little bean. In all rights, to me at that moment. It was perfect. So sweet and tiny. My baby. I didn’t even get a copy of any pictures. the doctor finished everything up, and let me know that “Oh Darn” there was no heart beat. If I had only thought of that when I looked at the monitor, I could have saved myself so much heartbreak. In my innocence, i fell in love all the same. I will never cease to find it amazing that within 10 minutes, all in one room… I went from the happiest woman ever, so the most crushed, or so I thought.

I struggled for a while, I joined a message board with a section for loss ( I am still a member there) I learned that others had it far worse than me. Women who were not able to conceive at all.  Women who could conceive but their pregnancies always ended in loss, some of them with 4-5 losses. My heart broke. I will admit that even after joining there, i struggled a lot. When a friend of mine got pregnant, I sobbed. when the bills for my D&C arrived saying that I had an abortion, I died a little. it made it sound like i chose that. Like I chose to end my pregnancy. That I had chose to have my baby who I loved SO much die. My little one would have been 4 this January.

I learned to look for the blessing in the pain. To find the meaning behind a senseless misfortune. I taught myself so much. Infertility and loss, are painful things. There are many women longing to hold a child in their arms. Grieving over a loss, infuriated at their own body. I know that I felt broken. The one thing I felt I was designed by God to do… and i couldn’t do it. I realize now that my loss was not a no from God, it was a “Not yet.”

Derringer Meryl [hard to remember] Out