Undone

I think it’s no secret that I”m a little sleep deprived right now. So to help out I picked up some geek beer, which is root beer with a TON and a half of caffeine in it.

It seemed like a good idea since I was using toothpicks (metaphorically of course) to keep my eyes open, and i felt like I was going to pass out. So I grabbed two, drank them (one right after the other) thinking nothing of it.

Then, tonight as I keep trying to console my angry, and strangely alert newborn and coax her into sleeping more than 3 minutes, I realize that I’ve sabotaged myself into more not sleeping. It occurs to my sleep deprived mind that I had a lot of caffeine. Then it occurs that what I imbibe is turned into food for the baby… I google caffeine and breastfeeding and get the following information from Kellymom.com:

A baby who is being overstimulated by caffeine is a wide-eyed, active, alert baby who doesn’t sleep for long. He may also be unusually fussy.

Whoopsie. Well. I better work it out. She’s snoozing momentarily, but if this evening is any indicator, she will be awake within an hour and ANGRY that she’s awake.

Derringer Meryl [breast milk blunder] Out

Will you think of me,
in time?
It’s never my luck,
So never mind.
I wanna say your name,
But the pain starts
again,
It’s never my luck,
So never mind.

Chorus:
I had a dream that you were with me ,
it wasn’t my fault,
you rolled me over,
flipped me over,
like a somersault.
that doesn’t happen to me
I’ve never been here before
I saw forever in my never,
And i stood outside her
Heaven
I stood outside her heaven
Let me in your heaven
I wanna live inside your heaven

The song is beautiful on so many levels. I find that the part that I find myself relating to again and again… is “i can try to be with you , but somehow I’ll end up just losing a friend/i can only reach for you / relate to you/I’m losing my friend…” Sometimes when you love someone (no matter what type of love it maybe) you want to reach for them, to draw them close, to make up for stupid mistakes, to have what you once had… and every time you try to pull them close they struggle further away. The lyric echos deep inside of my heart, an empty place that no one can ever fill.

As you can see I have updated my blog layout. I can’t seem to get away from twilight, so you probably shouldn’t count on it happening any time soon. If you haven’t listened to much Blue October, I highly encourage it. The singer, Justin Furstenfeld has bipolar disorder… i find his lyrics beautiful and remarkable. His singing is passionate and amazing. The honesty of his lyrics seem to strip any pretense one might have about depression, heartache, and love. I could listen to his music all day. It seems to calm me. The truth that sets you free.

Things have been progressing with Ms. Gigi well, she is chubbing up well, and Katie is doing her best to cope with being a sister. It’s tough not having all of mom and dad’s attention, but I think she still gets her fair amount. I am not thrilled at the idea of returning to work, but it’s work, so why would it be thrilling? 😉 Life is good.

Derringer Meryl [off to feed a baby] Out

A few girls on my message board are having problems with their marriages. I feel so badly. I wish I could somehow help them, instill some of the happiness that I have.

Something that keeps me happy is having my wedding pictures up. It seems like a DUMB thing, but honestly, it’s one of the best days of my life. Looking at the pictures helps me remember that. Helps me say “Look at Scott, look at how much he loves me. You can see it in his face.” when some days I don’t get to see him, and honestly some days our passing each other is enough to hand off babies and fall asleep. Every minute of our life isn’t happily ever after, and I’ll admit sometimes I get mad about STUPID STUFF (DISHES!!) and it’s nice that when I roll over in bed and think about how I can’t sleep and Scott slept all day (though to be quite frank it’s not about quantity it’s about quality… and, well that’s something else entirely…) and I see our wedding pictures we have hanging on our wall… and I feel so good. I wish I had more pictures on my walls. I LOVE pictures. which is why people get them as gifts from me so often (Mom and Dad ;)) Because it’s a beautiful thing to be able to capture a moment, and remember it forever. I wish I could take pictures. I mean I can, I’m just not… magic about it. Maybe someday I’ll invest some time in it… I’m borrowing my Dad’s nice camera (Ok, not his NEW camera, but a very nice one nonetheless…) and It’d probably be good If i learned how to use it a little.

Even if I never learn, and never get good, I love pictures. I have pictures from when my nephews were little and visited with me all the time, it’s good to remember all these things. i have pictures hanging out with my family on the front porch. I took pictures (as snap-shotty as ever) of The Boy’s First Birthday…. I wish we had taken pictures like we had with Katie for Audrey. With Katie we got a picture of EVERYONE the first time they held her. Those are some of my favorite pictures. I have one of The Specialist holding Katie and I remember the “argument” that Sukie had with him moments before to hold her. The Specialist didn’t want to. They were leaving, Sukie had left the room, and he held her…. And see right now I remember Sukie holding Audrey and saying to Wudan to hold her and get used to it again LOL. I don’t have a picture of Wudan holding Audrey though, so I won’t remember it. I’m sure the memory will fade eventually. I remember with my wedding that between pictures I was humming Brick by Ben Folds Five. I had it stuck in my head, and it was HORRIBLE (it’s a horrible song to have stuck in your head on your wedding day). I have a picture of Scott’s dad giving us bunny ears as we posed. I remember thinking that I’d just edit him out so we could have a nice picture– but I would never ever change it now.

I am feeling grateful for life, grateful for all my happy memories, and the ability to remember them.

Derringer Meryl [wallpaper my life] Out

two kids is … very different. So are my girls, already, with Audrey at one month.

Katie is fair Skinned, Blonde hair, and brown eyes
[So far] Audrey is olive skinned, brown hair, and blue eyes (I hope she keeps the blue eyes)
Katie looks like the H family
IMO Audrey looks like someone from the W. family… like my mom 🙂
Katie was/is really orally fixated even as a newborn, Katie still sucks on her fingers when she’s upset
Audrey could care less about sucking on a paci or comfort nursing. She only sucks when starving.
Katie is dramatic (always has been)
Audrey doesn’t get upset about much, even when hungry.

Just a few ways my girls are different, I’m sure it will be a LOOOOOOOOONG list as time goes on. I’m glad I’m taking the time to write this down right now because I’ll probably forget someday– and then I can have this to look back on.

Everyone thinks it’s weird that Audrey is Gigi to me… Since Katie and I (and DQ as well) call her Awgee, I think it works. I did like the nickname Ree (see thepioneerwoman.com, she is called Ree) but it could quickly (as my mother pointed out) spin off into Ree-Ree, and I don’t particularly like that.

She is peacefully sleeping in the pack and play next to the computer.

Something I didn’t realize with Katie — newborns are easy. I feed her, I change her. She manages herself other than that fairly well (though she doesn’t like it when I eat spicy food) The main problem with having a second child is the first child. Katie adores Audrey to the tippiest tip of her toes to the tippiest tip of her nose. She loves her all over, however, she doesn’t particularly love sharing attention. She’s not outright mean to Audrey, however Katie is outright mean to me. *sigh* and Scott, and pretty much anyone else she gets in arms length of. Katie just needs more attention. I applaud my mom and dad for being so willing to take her and have her stay with them. It has been helpful, and I got a great day out yesterday from it. I finally got my hair cut and a few other things. I got a new shirt (which I love. I will shop more at that store if I lose more weight) and a teddy bear for Audrey from Great Grandma. I went to lunch with DQ, and even got to go visit a friend of mine who I hadn’t gotten to see in a while. I did take Audrey with me, but with the amount of time we spent away from the house– it’s for the best we did. 🙂

I appreciate greatly everyone who has helped us with easing into Audrey being here. Everyone who brought us food, or presents, or toys for Katie. Everyone who brought food for Scott in the hospital, who came to see is in the hospital.

Audrey is growing well, I’m losing weight well, all is well. I have a whole month of time off left. I’m pleased.

Derringer Meryl [not looking forward] Out