Undone

*grooves to the beat* I’m all over the place in my moodiness. I don’t know why, and at this point in time, i’m not really caring, why i’m this moody. I love the power that comes with the mood swings, making people cower in fear that you’re going to bust out screaming…. yes, i do crave the power. Shame on me. *nods* i’m insane

Moving on…. I haven’t done a lyric spew– and this one is going to be Harder to Breathe, Maroon5 and i’m adding commentary, I like doing that. It makes me less lazy…..

How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable

So condescending unnecessarily critical

I have the tendency of getting very physical

So watch your step cause if I do you’ll need a miracle

You drain me dry and make me wonder why I’m even here

This Double Vision I was seeing is finally clear

You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone

Not fit to tread the ground I’m walking on

Can I say, I don’t feel this about anyone. Honest. I just love it. Like i said, the powerof anger or any emotion is overwhelming, and i love the way it rushes through you, and it’s like, you’re not yourself…. you’re someone else, someone with super powers…. and you can change the world, or at least the one jerk who cut you off, or called you a bitch….. yeah,you’ll reform them right nicely with a pen in the eye.

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love

You’ll understand what I mean when I say

There’s no way we’re gonna give up

And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe

No. No one is out there. No one cares if you can’t breathe…. But i’ve found the moments in which you feel you can’t breathe, are simply the most intense. Even if you’re in pain. Once again…. not being able to breathe is a rush…. adrenaline junkie, that’s what I am.

What you are doing is screwing things up inside my head

You should know better you never listened to a word I said

Clutching your pillow and writhing in a naked sweat

Hoping somebody someday will do you like I did

Have you ever wondered if someone who is so completely innocent that they must be completely deliciously sinful knows that they’re manipulating you? it’s insane that you’d let one person have that much control over you, and your habits, and the way you talk and dress…. and …. oh good grief.

When it gets cold outside and you got nobody to love

You’ll understand what I mean when I say

There’s no way we’re gonna give up

And like a little girl cries in the face of a monster that lives in her dreams

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe

Is there anyone out there cause it’s getting harder and harder to breathe

Does it kill

Does it burn

Is it painful to learn

That it’s me that has all the control

Does it thrill

Does it sting

When you feel what I bring

And you wish that you had me to hold

If I screamed yes, could you believe me anymore? It does kill that i’m alone all the time. I’m defensive of it, and i’m lonely all the time. it feels like a million little knifes in my back when I see a couple kissing, and being happy together…. it burns to read of happy stories as people get married….. and yes, some people have every bit of the control. Every last bit– over me… and it excites me and it hurts and ….

i wish I had someone to hold.

Derringer Meryl [The thrill of the sting] Out

these are a few of my favorite things…..

Not anything warm and fuzzy, like Julie Andrews would say…. My favorite things are Fanfictions, friends, friends who review, reviews… Okay, my brain extends beyond that. I’m excited about my psychology class, and i wonder if i’m going to write papers for it. It makes me kind of excited *nods enthusiastically* I’m possibly the only person in the world who you’ll find being excited about writing psychology papers.

Of course, you’d be excited too if you had me analyze what type of automobile says about your life, almost any aspect of it. i’m so odd and obsessed with the stupidest things…..

Like the male mind. Being a girl myself, one cannot help but ponder what goes on inside their brain. I mean, I know how my brain works, slightly…. and i know that all brains are not the same…. and all that rubbish i’m always promoting…. but i want to know…. why guys do what they do. Girls are attracted to color and emotion…. boys… god I don’t know what attracts them other than breasts. Honest. I’m not trying to be gross, just honest.

that’s an annoyance to me. I’ve said it before, i find it slightly flattering when a guy checks me out, i mean the once over, and it’s appreciated. I do not enjoy leers towards my chest. I mean, it’s fleshy stuff, just like your legs, or your stomach. *shrugs* I really don’t see what the big deal is. What i absolutely loathe though is having them talked to. I mean having a guy (as i haven’t run into many girls around here who have done it to me….) talking to me, but looking at my boobs. The animeboi here (i like to call him Miroku in private circles) does it, Monkey does it, though i have a feeling it’s just because … they’re there. Ihaven’t caught the Mouth or Gert doing it to me, but i’ve noticed some guys are more tricky about it. Like they notice if you’re noticing, and they keep it short…. which i don’t mind. If i don’t catch you, then it’s okay… My personal opinion.

I’m sure most of my readers (who are family…. Specialist and Dax) are blushing their brains out. I’ll move on.

I’ve increased my AMV collection by a few more videos. It gives me a thrill to watch them, and i have to admit,one of my favorite things.

Julie also includes things she doesn’t like, and i’m telling you what i don’t like. Being mistaken for a thirty-year old woman with kids Yeah. I have no kids. Hell, I’m not thirty. I’m eighteen. EIGHTEEN. Nothing great. I’m a few years away from any of that stuff people think of when they see me. I’m not delicate, or lanky, or wan, or twiggy. I look like i’ve pushed out a kid or two (isn’t that sad?) It’s just the way i look. *grumbles* yeah, I look like i should go anorexic for a little while… somehow i don’t…. mostly because i know it wouldn’t help anything… besides the fact it’s completely unhealthy… i know i’ve gained weight since i stopped my medication.

damn medication. I’m allowed to say that… i’ve decided. It ruined my high school experience, it’s given me permanent (as far as i can tell) shakes, and i’ve gained weight….. Yeah, that pretty much allows for the damnation of an inanimate object.

Sometimes i consider re-medicating myself again…. except that means going back to my therapist… and i don’t want to. She’s nice. I admit that…. but it feels like…. a friend whore. I pay her to listen to me…. and help me. that for some reason, disgusts me beyond all reason. I can’t explain it– but it makes me ill. Very ill. Besides, I’m not as sick as i was a few years ago, when i started.

I’m not sure the therapy helped. I went to group, everyone else had serious problems…. none of them i can disclose or anything… but… real deep problems, and i was the girl who’s first boyfriend abused her– and she was in therapy. I felt — odd. I felt, wrong. I couldn’t help but compare– Some of those girls had deep emotional scars…. and i was just abused verbally. I mean, yeah, I’m fat. SO what? That’s what he told me…. every day… in a million different ways. And God help me, i loved him anyway. I loved him so much, i didn’t care about the pain–

until he was gone. Then I was angry… and i felt ugly. No, i didn’t feel ugly, i was ugly. I was disgusting, and vile. I knew it. He’d convinced me a million times that i was wrong…. that i was sick and the size of a barn…. and that he didn’t love me. He hit that one home quite nicely. and i gave him everything. I gave him my past, and the present, and if he had asked for it, my future. Not anymore though… I’m grateful for that.

I’m not as weak as I was before….

Yeah, but– those others…. wow. I felt stupid. Completely stupid sitting there as they told their stories. (You just heard mine) But it’s a problem i have… comparing. seeing who hurts the worst. I know i didn’t . I know that those girls needed to be there so much more than me.

I am broken– and no amount of talk can fix that. *shrugs* That’s just the way things are. I think I’m fine being broken. Being depressed sometimes…. feeling love, feeling pain, feeling everything. I’m fine with that. Feeling isn’t what makes me broken– the intensity is. I feel it, and i feel like i’m going to be washed away in the emotion. it’s crazy. And that’s what’s broken.

Me.

Derringer Meryl [My Favorite things] Out

Have I told you i’ve been collecting AMV’s? (For the uneducated, that’s Anime Music Video’s) I love them. I love the emotion that is so easily portrayed when you manipulate a song to a picture. And if a picture is worth a thousand words, think of hundreds (if not more) images moved together, with a singular song in the background. (Sometimes there’s more than one song, but i usually like the singular song playing) I have a ton of them, most of them from Inu Yasha. I find them useful in writing my fanfictions. Which, if you haven’t already, go and read Thoughts of Kagome it’s my newest pride and joy. I’m fairly sure i didn’t make up the writing style and simply stole it from Hemingway…. but hey, every writer has their own flair… right?

Most of the reviewers want me to write from Kagome’s Point of View. I can understand that. It makes sense– but for some reason… i can’t see what she sees. I mean, yes, Inu Yasha is droolably cute, and sweeter than the sweetest guy i’ve met in real life (and not as lecherous as most of the sweet guys…) So … i find it harder to write as her. There is no character to get into… I suppose i relate too well to Kagome to write from her point of view. i can’t look at how she feels objectively. I live it. I still need to understand how to write…. fact…. in a fictional way. I hope my college course helps me with that. *shrugs*

I’m off to roll out another demanded chapter. Soon I hope to write Thoughts of Inu Yasha Though it doesn’t have the same ring to it. Too many syllables.

Finals, Are done. Hallelujah…. praise the Lord, Amen. *nods*

Right then, on with the rest of the blog. *nods again* The Mouth and I were reminiscing about our first meeting, how i threw a copy of Herdy Gerdy Across the store and, not only knocked several things off their proper places on the shelves, succeeding in breaking the case quite nicely. He seems to remember assessing me as ‘a quiet, pure, Mormon girl’ and i saw him as ‘a complete jerk off’ (I didn’t tell him that, but it’s the truth…. that is how i saw him. heh.) Yes, most people see me as that. The good church going Ned Flanders would marry me if i weren’t so young, pure as the driven snow (before acid snow was around), white little lamb. Yeah, i guess that’s how i come off, and dang it, i sure do use it to my advantage.

The unfortunate thing is, i have a bit of a sailor’s mouth. After three years of public high school, you get a mouth like that. Actually, that’s a lame cop out. There’s a lot of kids in this great state of mine who come out of school just as pure as they entered it. What i really mean is After trying to FIT IN for three years at a public high school, you get a mouth like that. I admit, i bent to the pressure. It’s not drugs, it’s not drinking, and i don’t do it cept when i’m angry. Bad habit. I’m trying to quit. Honest. *shrugs*

Geek Check. I”m getting this tomorrow, it makes me all kinds of happy and giddy. *nods* Then i get to idle my birthday and Christmas times away by watching the episodes until my brains fall out. *nods* It makes me happy. *dances* YEs, my complete Buffiness, will soon happen. They release about two a year (or so) episodes. So one in July (or so, it might get bumped a bit) that’s the sixth season, and another in December, the seventh season, and POOF they’re done. Happies. 🙂 This is the last season on the WB, who were fools to give SMG and the rest of the crew, the boot. Joss was clever, to give it an ending that would have been fitting if the show hadn’t gotten picked up by UPN…. a fitting way for Buffy to die, but i’m sure everyone else is much happier with her alive the way she is– tho…. people were pretty pissed about Spike… People being me.

Right. He’s semi-alive now. Just as alive as he was before. *nods* Corporeal. Neat. eh?

Derringer Meryl [All I want is a Corporeal Spike] Out

*urk* Welcome to Finals Week. It’s not finals everywhere, some places may have finished finals, and others, well– may have not taken them yet (i know BYU hasn’t yet…) All i know is that mine is tomorrow, and i couldn’t be more nervous. I’m trying to remember a few key equations, and i”m just dying to have this over with. *sighs*

I can’t wait for something So much better to come along. I hate math, i dont’ know why i took the bloody class, but i can say that i’m glad that it’s done. Today though, i’m going to relax a little. First off, I’m not feeling too well, and i’m going to do something that’s rare for my blog, i’m going to not only lyric spew, but i’m going to break it down. Word yo….. Just as soon as i figure out what i’m lyric spew on.

I Love you, Sarah McLachlan

I have a smile

stretched from ear to ear

to see you walking down the road

we meet at the lights

I stare for a while

the world around disappears

And what could be more heart wrenching than feeling like this, and knowing that it can never be willingly returned. Why does life have to be like that?

just you and me

on this island of hope

a breath between us could be miles

let me surround you

my sea to your shore

let me be the calm you seek

I could be. I could be the calm you seek. I could be so close to someone… that it seems insane. I’ve been that close to someone before. It’s amazing the heartwrenching pain that courses through your body when they leave…. not just for a little while, but for good. The way you’re so sure that they mean the things they’ve said, but the knife that was so tactically plunged into your stomach is twisted and explores the inner caverns of your body when you see them…. so openly betraying you.

oh and every time I’m close to you

there’s too much I can’t say

and you just walk away

and I forgot

to tell you

I love you

and the night’s

too long

and cold here

without you

I’ve expressed this before. I’ve expressed how you want to say things to someone…. you want to embrace them and tell them they’re the world…. and you just… can’t. Someone once said it’s rarely a case of can’t and almost surely a case of won’t. But mostly, i’ve concentrated on how lonely the night is without the warmth of another…. you. Without You. (I’m not sure who you is yet… but i hope to find him someday….) But people seem so far away, trapped in their own little shells, afraid to feel emotions… afraid… because they know life isn’t a fairy tale…. and they’re afraid of how life will be if it doesn’t end like Cinderella’s….

I grieve in my condition

for I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

oh and every time I’m close to you

there’s too much I can’t say

and you just walk away

People do that. They just leave. And you have so many words buzzing in your brain that you want to say… so many things that would all sound so beautiful if you could just say them at the right time, and the right way …. knowing that the other person loved you simply and kindly as much as you…. and it makes me wince a little knowing that the words wouldn’t be accepted…. by so many. I don’t knowhow i do it. How i keep living after being rejected so often. *laughs* But here I am…. alive and a little worse for wear….. still helplessly falling in love. How sad.

and I forgot

to tell you

I love you

and the night’s

too long

and cold here

without you

And I forgot…. no… i didn’t forget. I never meant to tell you. I knew what you thought of me, from the beginning. I let myself be deluded by my dreams of fairytale grandeur…. You couldn’t accept even the simplest of affections. And that being the way it is…. and me knowing that you and i aren’t… we …. dont’ match up– then why is the night so cold knowing that you’re no where near me?

Derringer Meryl [A little Truth, a Little Fiction] Out