Undone

second lyric spew. I’m in an Inu Yasha kind of mood. Right?

Change the World, V-6

I want to change the world

Piercing through the gales, unafraid of anything,

Now I hold my courage and pieces of my smile

Change my mind

If we reach out to the soaring future

without losing our passion, we’ll be able to shine,

It’s wonderland

[Instrumental]

You’ve left something in the far reaches of the grey sky,

and you keep on searching

as you wander.

In the night when your heart shook, and I can’t see tomorrow

I can’t believe anything, and close my ears.

When I met you, I found my true place in life.

An innocent kindness is right here.

And so we awaken…

I want to change the world

I won’t hesitate again. If I can shape a future with you,

then I can fly anywhere.

Change my mind

I can spread my wings and fly towards the unknown future

without losing my passion.

It’s wonderland

[Instrumental]

We keep swimming the same world

until the day we reach our dreams.

All of us bear the same worries

When you stop and look, I’ll be right here

gazing at you.

I want to change the world

If you accept my gaze as I watch over you

and don’t let go of my hand, I can do anything.

Change my mind

I won’t let you be alone. Everyone is here.

Let’s pierce our way through whatever may happen.

It’s wonderland

[Instrumental]

I want to change the world

Piercing through the gales, unafraid of anything,

Now I hold my courage and pieces of my smile

Change my mind

If we reach out to the soaring future

without losing our passion, we’ll be able to shine.

It’s wonderland

Derringer Meryl [Without Loosing my Passion] Out

I don’t hate myself for it, I don’t see why I should, I’m best friends with my co-workers. They’re really my entire social life. That’s that. I don’t find it shameful as Artemis, Gert, Monkey and yes, even the Mouth are some of my closest confidants. It extends even to places I don’t work. Friends of Friends. J-bob, Dateless and so many more I haven’t even given little pet names to.

Then this one guy. I swear he lives to get under my skin. He insinuates that I’m lazy, that I’m lame, and that i’m the uber bitca or something. I’m not. I’m not lame, and I’m not lazy….

nothing at work pisses me off more than being called lazy. NOTHING. You might think i’m too touchy about the whole damn thing, but trust me– I take pride in my job, and that I do the best job that i can. Sure, sometimes I get warts burned off of my feet and I can’t stand quite yet, but i’m still there, trying to do my best, and I point out from across the room that something’s out of place, and this smart mouthed freak tells me i’m lazy. Doesn’t even give a flying rats…. *growls* that i’m in pain because i’m standing.

Then, he feels the need to tell me the flaw in all of my relationships is me. That I’m Lame and no one likes me. He likes to plainly, and painfully illustrate how i’m the downfall of the freakish human race.

and I? I would like to cut his tongue out and sew his mouth shut. No… I’m not bitter. I find that if he can’t do anything productive with the language that God Granted him, he might as well shut up. I might as well aid in that, seeings as how people don’t know when to shut up for their own good. Especially this guy. I hope he dies. I don’t want to aid him in that, but i’m sure he’ll annoy or anger someone until that point. I wouldn’t be suprised if he found himself dead in a ditch one day.

I don’t have enough malice in my heart to wish him dead. I just simply think it wouldn’t be hard to imagine him provoking someone to that point. I’ve decided MY best plan of action is just… crying. I’ll cry and ruin my make up and my entire life, so he can look like a freakish jerk and feel horrid.

I like to think so anyway. I guess everyone isn’t like Inu Yasha. Don’t you wish more guys were?

Derringer Meryl [My Tears] Out

Isn’t it interesting how everything gets all kinds of mushy at Christmas time?

The Specialist is feeling it. My dad isn’t feeling the mush, and I think he’s missing it. I don’t get mushy over him anymore. *shrugs* I’d be sad if he died…. I do admit that. I’d miss things about him– but sometimes his drama-y ways out weigh the goodness that i know lies inside.

Tonight, i went to see Elf again. Everyone at work was going… and for the lack of a better excuse, i went too. 🙂 I love it when they include me. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzily. Heh. I’m a dork. Anyway, Dad was a little upset that I didn’t ask permission to go. Since i’m eighteen, i didn’t realize that i needed permission, considering it’s my money i’m spending and Artemis’ gas money too. (as in she was outside wasting gas as she waited for me. :S) I guess that’s one of my rebellious things. That I don’t feel like I should ask to go. I don’t mind asking, but i don’t think it should be demanded of me that I should ask.

What i’m most sorry about is that Dax got ripped a new one because i didn’t understand that Dad wanted to talk to me on the phone. Sheesh. 🙁 Sorry Dax. I didn’t know that it was earth shaking that i was going out. I’ve been out before like this. With the same people…. Not like Dad keeps tabs on where I am anyway. Psh. Usually he doesn’t realize that i’m gone …. for a while. Like until Dinner, or Prayers. I have to admit, i’m a little miffed about that. I don’t expect him to have my schedule memorized…. honestly, I barely do– but it’s nice to be missed, and God, if your family doesn’t miss you, who will? (Do i always say that or what??)

I’m a whiner, I need some cheeze to go with my whine, I know.

But tonight… is not the time to be deep and introspective. I’m just …. tired. and I need to… eat something…. So, Yeah.

Derringer Meryl [You Sit on a Throne of Lies] Out

Isn’t it funny… how everyone feels under valued and under appreciated….

That includes me. I have a major familial inferiority complex. I mean, when you have older brothers like Daxero, Wudan, and the Specialist (in no particular order of greatness) You find yourself wondering what kind of worth you bring into any situation. (forgive me any misspellings, the night time tremors hit me, and they’re getting hard to control) I mean, Dax, he’s a genius at Art. I mean it. He hasn’t been to any professional art schools or anything, but he knows a lot. I mean it too. he’s a freakish genius with both the computer art, and the hand work. It’s amazing…. and I get frustrated because I have all these images that i know could look so beautiful– but don’t ever come out through my retarded hands. They aren’t useful for much. They type, and pick at fat on my body, that’s about it.

Then There’s Wudan. He’s my youngest Older brother (that makes sense right?) and I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be good enough for him. I’ve aspired to traits that he has. I was on Literary Magazine, like him, but I wasn’t an editor, I was on Debate like him, but I wasn’ the captain, I tried collaging like him, and he only says it looks like a frat boy threw up. Like I said, hands are retarded. Very much so…. And I can’t ever be as good as him in anything. God, He was better at a religion he claims not to believe in anymore. I can’t even do that.

The Specialist, I have to admit, is the worst. Not that he’s bad, but i may have aspired to impress Wudan, but I lived to achieve approval from The Specialist. I have to admit, it drove me insane. I couldn’t keep up with his trends, and his music was louder than I was used to…. (I was used to the Little Mermaid, I was like, seven okay?) But I wanted him to say I was okay. That I could hang out with him without my mom having to ask if I could come along. I wanted to be part of the crew. The Specialist, He was an artist to be reckoned with as well. He could argue with the best of them– and I have no clue how he gets all of the facts in his brain to stay there. He knows countless facts and dates and times, and he’s rarely if ever wrong…. Not to mention he puts any of my cooking to shame with his simple chocolate chip cookies….

and I can’t ever be good enough. I can’t ever be part of my own family. I never really have been. I never worked right. Ihad hands that kept me from drawing, or being an artist, my mouth was too slow, and my witty comments misplaced…. All I had were my tears…. and their pity. They took me places– but you knew they didn’t want to. What teenage boy wanted to be saddled with the task of watching his younger sister while at the mall? I don’t blame them…

But the question is, why does it keep going this way, when I’m almost out of my teens, and they’re all well out of theirs? Three of the four of my brothers are married. …. and I have no pleasant memories of my childhood…. except… alone.

Yeah, some things may be hard for The three I named…. I wouldn’t doubt they all have their issues too. I mean, everyone does, right? At least I have the comfort of knowing that most of mine started at home.

Derringer Meryl [I don’t hate you] Out

It’s late, and i have to say, i don’t feel like sleeping. I hate it. I hate going to sleep…. and i’ll tell you why…

i’m sure you don’t care, but PSH, I dont’ care that you dont’ care

There’s no one there with me.

Yeah, iknow i sound like a perv…. but i’m a cuddler. I know i am. I love to cuddle things. and honestly, a stuffed animal doesn’t really cuddle back well…. and i hate it. I hate sleeping, and even though I need to, i wait until the brink of exhaustion and fall asleep then. It’s been that way for months now. I wouldn’t call it …. Um.. Insomnia– it’s just… If you’ve read in here before You know how i am about this. It’s like, just another night, alone. and i hate that feeling. the alone feeling.

The feeling that you’re going to spend every night of your life alone like that… That I’m going to spend every night of my life alone like that.

it’s a depressing thought…. and it makes me stay awake. Makes me say, “You’re going to stay awake until you find someone, dang it!” even though I can’t…. *rubs her head* God I’m getting tired.

*sighs* I’m a sad lonely little perv, aren’t I?

Derringer Meryl [Broke 500] Out