Undone

Ohhh I”m off to see Lord of the Rings: Return of the King…..

Okay, that didn’t have the same ring to it that I’d thinkit would. *nods* Oh well. The thing is, it’s like, six thirty-ish, and i’m off to go stand in line. You may think it’s early for standing in line, but I find it oh so late. Some people from my group went to stand in line at one in the afternoon. Amazing, huh?

I’m glammed, I’ve got contacts, I’ve got Monkey’s SP which he so kindly let me borrow (thank you so much monkey!!) as well as a plethora of games which he also let me borrow (thank you again Monkey!) and several hours to sit on my butt and think about me, and why I am the way I am, a journal to write it in, a flashlight, cd player, cds, various junk foods to eat, and the newest Newtype magazine. 🙂 I’m SO ready. I’m loving every minute of being in line– and of the anticipation of seeing my precious….

Orlando Bloom. Yep, I’m one of the sick fangirls. 🙂 Sue me

Derringer Meryl [I drool at your feet!] Out

There are days, where you feel your lowest. To strictly contrast that, you have days where you feel your highest…. Most people don’t have those in the same day.

I do.

You can call it what you want. Bi Polar, Depression, Chemical Imbalance…. whatever you want…. i call it life. I don’t think it’s right to just muddle through, but I’ve been down the paths that the world seems to scream as useful and at one point in my life, i swore by them– but now, things have changed. *frowns* I’m not sad and depressed because of a chemical problem– i’m sad and depressed because of who I am.

I can’t get a good guy. Now before I piss off those of you whom i’ve dated before, let me continue. I can’t get a good guy TO STAY. and it keeps repeating in my mind, i’m not good enough… and that all of my relationship problems come from me. ME. I do it. I break things, and i make them bad. I do it. ME ME ME! Don’t try and tell me that’s not true. I don’t want words. I dont’ need your words. I miss a simpler time when i didn’t feel.

and I miss it. I miss being dead inside. I miss not living. I miss not caring about people…. and I miss not loving. I wish i could wish it away.

I wish I could not hear people. I wish their words didn’t sting and ring so true in my ears. and i wish that i could see what makes me so completely undesirable to the male sex.

Every guy says he wants a girl like me, interested in the things they’re interested in, but– they never…. I’m too much like a sister or a best friend…

Or there isn’t any attraction there anyway.

Say the truth. Say what burns. Say what you mean… Tell me i’m ugly tell me that i’m the fattest thing you’ve ever seen– i just want to know.

It’s insane.

i feel like my brain is fallin out of my ears and i’m not sure why I feel like sobbing– but I know i’m scary. I must be. Why would everyone run so? Am I that appallingly boring in personality that no one desires to speak to me?

Derringer Meryl [the answer is yes] Out

Antigone’s (that’s the Specialist’s Wife) blog is closed down now. It makes me sad, I really enjoyed reading it– But when her mind is set, it’s set, i guess.

Her writing seemed honest and extremely…. *thinks of the word* insightful. She works now, and so consequently they dont’ come down to visit so much anymore unless it’s a holiday. *nods* So it was nice being able to read what was going on, and learning more things about her. My mom always says “A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is your daughter all of your life” Cute isn’t it? Well– the cute little saying pretty much amounts to the fact that my brother is my brother until he gets married. Not that my brothers and i were SO tight before that. Dating takes care of that.

Which is why i vowed i wouldn’t forget my friends when i began to date. Loosing myself in another person …. is dangerous… as well as very hurtful to those around you.

But I’ve vented about that kind of stuff before– today I’m going to focus a little bit more on Antigone. I was informed, that i was rude to her. Meh, that sounds wrong. I probably was. I was too old for how young i was acting. Ya see, despite what it should be, I was extremely close (in my opinion) to the Specialist. I stole his style, and his clothes, and (even now, to some extent) I want to be just like him. I wanted Antigone to be my sister-in-law, but as soon as they got engaged, (even before that, but i suppose I didnt notice as much) the Specialist stopped spending so much time with his lousy sibs… and I suppose i latently blamed Antigone…. i shouldn’t have, and i see that now. Maybe that’s how people got the vibe I was being rude?? I dont’ know. Maybe i’m just a really rude person underneath it all…

I apologize to her if I was rude– I was (and i still can be) very immature.

She and I don’t have a lot in common, except our love for Anime. So I found it interesting to read her blog. But I do suppose it was her choice to take it down….

*pats her blog* I love this one too much to take it down.

Derringer Meryl [My Precious] Out

Someone should stand by my front door and screen what i wear before I leave the house. I’ve thought that before, since i often wander out of the house in my PJ’s and without my hair done up nicely, and i look a right horrid sight to be seen. But then– THis happens.

I had to hurry off to work for a moment to give Artemis some money to buy my LoTR ticket for me. She and I fall into the Geek check area of watching the movie at midnight when it opens. I count myself lucky to go– but more on that later…. It’s pretty cold outside, so I pull the only sweatshirt that’s clean out of my closet, and pull it on. I arrive at work, after a short five minute drive, and hand my money over to Artemis, and she comments on my sweatshirt. It’s a curious George one, I bought it two years ago, and it reads on the front “(heart) the monkey” One of the part-timers read it aloud, and then I final understood something… That wearing that shirt, was a bad idea. (I bet you thought that it was that I love Monkey, huh? You’re so wrong! of course that WOULD be the obvious teenage answer, but then again, i’m not the obvious teen!) I stuttered for a moment, and commented how i didn’t think of that before I wore the shirt to work.

It’s a mistake I won’t be repeating…. Today is Guts’ birthday. (Guts is a co-worker and friend– he has cute little nicknames for me, and he loves to make me laugh, almost as much as i love to laugh at his jokes.) I don’t know how old he is, but all in all, Happy Birthday to him. I should have made him a card. Shame on me. *frowns* I was supposed to go to Halo Night, and while I would have loved to– It seems like a bad idea. I’m not close with anyone in the group, and honestly– no one seems to care if i’m there or not. *nods* not to mention the right long lecture I’d get for going.

Which makes me wonder, why don’t we do bad things? is it because of the punishment, or is it because it’s wrong?

Faith in Buffy: I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I’ve got muscles you’ve never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you’d beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don’t? Because it’s wrong.

Sure, Faith puts it a little… *coughs* crudely, but honestly why don’t we go out and give in to our baser demands….? Why don’t we sleep with everyone and anyone– kill who we can, when we can– hurt everyone…. To paralell Faith:

I could cut you. I could make thin gashes on your skin, all over your body, and you’d sweat because of the pain, and the sweat, would roll into those thin shallow cuts, and cause your entire body to feel as though you’re on fire that cannot be extinguished. Then, after your cuts closed, i’d make ten cuts diagonally along the closed wounds, reopening the original wound, and adding smaller but deeper wounds. I could stick needles underneath your toe nails, and make thick shallow cuts underneath your eyes and your cheekbones, maximizing the pain from the tears you’re crying by this point. I would make you regret every wrong thing you’ve ever done, not to mention the things you did to me. I could make you so sorry– and after i was done, i would make you live with it…. carefully avoiding the arteries.and you know why I don’t? Because It’s wrong.

*blinks* If you’re more than frightened, good. I’m not sure where i channeled that from, but i want you to know I’m scared too. *blinks again* my mind just knows pain, i guess. From months and months of hating someone (J, my first Boyfriend) I’ve thought of millions and billions of ways to make him hurt. Nothing extreme (severing body parts) as that would be too simple. Something permanent, that would teach him that I wasn’t to be stepped on. I dreamed of things like this. I guess that makes me — disgusting… I suppose. That’s why i stopped hating him. IT was killing me, more than it was hurting him. He had long before stopped caring how i felt. Heck, I don’t think he cared during the relationship, which he denies we had one. Makes me look psychotic.

Then again, so does this whole entry.

The point is, every person has dark, AND light. Some people choose to embrace the dark, and some choose to embrace the Light. And some choose to pull from both sides. Every person should be feared, and loved. It’s just.. the nature of things. But– can there be fear in Love?? Not really- but the fear is the natural thing, and the love is the unnatural.

While I have evil thoughts brewing in my brain sometimes, i do tend to lean to the unnatural state of mind.

Derringer Meryl [Reaching for Yin and Yang] Out

as if you hadn’t noticed, there’s a new Layout, I like it– and i find it an accurate portrayal of me. *nods*

I’m a walking relapse

I do things, things that i’m ashamed of, and i try to stop, but i relapse. I forget, and i do them again. Or sometimes, being a creature of habit, i simply do them without thinking at all.

I relapse into emotions, actions, habits, …. though i have to admit, emotions is possibly the one that kills me the most. Artemis, Mouth and i were talking (isn’t that a mouthful to say) about the kind of person we’re attracted to. Artemis automatically opted for saying she liked pretty-boys who were consequently jerks. I dont’ remember the mouth actually divulging what particular ‘type’ girls he likes, but i do remember clearly what i said….

Jerks My first was a jerk. I don’t mean the kind of jerks who beat you…. no, that’s more than a jerk, that’s an abuser, and he probably has a lot of complicated emotional issues… No. I mean guys who are sweet and nice and then– one day, it just goes wrong. It’s not necessarily their fault– sometimes it just happens.

*pauses to calm her tremors* I don’t know why but they’re particularly bad today….

Monkey was never a jerk — not intentionally. He meant what he said about wanting to stay friends, but after hearing it from a jerk, the phrase is ruined. It’s nothing against him, i think he’s a great guy– he just has that Y chromosome that seems to be rooting against him and his actions. And despite what I said before, Monkey doesn’t stare. I take it back, I retract that statement– Only Miroku stares… *nods* I hope that clears up any confusions….

Maybe Jerk is the wrong way to put things…. I don’t mean they’re rude… well… *blinks* well…. Okay. *sighs* I like guys i can spar verbally with. Quick wit, and sharp tongue (verbally speaking…) someone who can joke with me, and not be scared that i’m going to take his joke the wrong way. Of course, when the relationship ends, that tongue continues to be sharp…. *shudders*

My first ex said I slept with my Drivers Ed instructor to pass the class.

*nods* I do not kid. He told people that. He probably meant it as a joke– but… it didn’t feel like it.

and Monkey, he didn’t ever INTENTIONALLY hurt me. He was always very sweet– leaving nothing but good memories. I just feel like I should re-affirm that since I seem to be lumping all the guys I’ve liked as jerks…. Anything that hurt from him– was usually self inflicted. THinking about things too much, or having people say things … *thinks of how to say it* … the feeling that he didn’t trust me with information…. I guess is the best way to say it.

*raises her hands in a sign of surrender* I don’t mean to open this to discussion– This is my journal– and yes it is online, but… i’m not always ready personally to talk about somethings with others. *looks down* I’m not trying to be rude. I once again re-affirm that Monkey was the most positive relationship i’ve been in…. ever I hurt because I hurt. THat’s me. Not him. *nods*

*laughs*Then you take into account that i had a crush on Miroku, who is positively the largest Lecher that i’ve ever met in my entire life– My crush on J-bob (who only invites me to see Rated R movies which I refuse to see) and my crush on Gert, and my newest one that’s forming for …. *gasps* The mouth. *sighs* I figure If i’m more open about it–

maybe it’ll go away?

Despite the fact that he’s a jerk– i mean it too, he called me a bitch *grumbles* Of course, he said he was sorry after he found out i was offended…. and when Monkey threw the keys at work at me slightly askew and they cut my hand, he was sorry about that too… and he always seems to be challenging how I feel, and how i am. Why I do things, and Why I am the way I am.

It’s been a growing experience for me. I’ve learned new things, and I love that about people… I love that about spending time with different people, they highlight things you didn’t know about yourself.

Like spending time with Artemis has helped me understand my Dad a little better…. and she (even though I don’t approve) encourages me to lie to my parents… and i’ve learned why I don’t like to.

Because that is me. I don’t lie to my parents. It’s ingrained into me, and I don’t want to change that. It makes me unique that i can hang out with the people i do, and keep that. *nods*

and not seeing Rated R films– well… part of me longs to– but it’s not so much for the film that i want to go. It’s so that maybe they’ll accept me. i don’t want to go for the film, it’s paying seven bucks so that I’m cool.

and Honestly, when the day is done, Blood is thicker than water. My friends are friends, and I love them all, but … nothing goes beyond my family. I couldn’t betray my parent’s trust like that.

And i’m a goodie goodie, and it probably sickens you to the end of the earth– but ya know what? Sooner or later, that movie is gonna be on TV. So *shrugs* so what. It’s free, and I can record it…. legally.

Derringer Meryl [the not cool, cool] Out