Undone

….. in a odd and depressing kind of way.

It’s getting cold around these parts again, and in my conversations, I say “I just wear my hoodie to bed, it keeps me warm….” and it makes me sad, that for the 18/19th year of my life, i’m sleeping alone. Cold. *hangs her head in shame* I need to move my bed away from the window.

That’ll at least take away the cold from the outside. My heart’ll be cold for a good time yet, i do believe.

*sighs* Yeah, so I’m odd. I finally get the guts up to go and interview at a company, and now it looks like i may get the job, and i’m not sure i want it anymore. I’m not sure i want to leave my store now, for this unstable one. And it scares me. I’m so nervous and frightened… and i’m so unsure. *laughs* that’s a perfect segway into stuff we just aren’t going to cover here. Hee hee.

Oh! I finished watching Berserk today. I wouldn’t recommend it to everyone, especially not people who want to watch something with their kids. Good God, NO! Watch it with your wife, or loved one, you’ll get lots of cuddles because of the excessive amounts of blood. *smirks* good thing.

I went craft shopping today. and being there made me want to die. I know, warm fuzzy of the post, i’m sure. I just… i hate being there, because i feel like i’ve lost everything, everyone i love. And so being there only makes it worse…. because i make things (crafts, food, n stuff) for the people i love. and they all seem so far away. and everywhere i turned, i sadly thought of someone i feel i lost because of my own stupidity. And everywhere i go in town, i have memories. I don’t know how other people live iwht it. the pain of knowing you lost someone you held dear to your heart, because of your own moronic tendencies. *eyes glaze over* I better go before I die.

Derringer Meryl [i’m not eating dinner] Out

Got a great compliment. One that makes me think… THings. I got it from Gert, who is a prince among toads of guys. Sure sometimes he’s a little whacky and what not, but …

he sure knows what to say to a sad girl. Maybe it’s practice. seen a lot of sad girls in his day, but i was complaining about Monkey, because it fills up the dead space between ligitamate conversastions…. and he says to me, Gert says:

“Monkey just doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it. He will someday, but it’ll probably be too late.”

*blushie blush*

I’m not a big fan of the “I like fifty guys at once” Thing, because I find seriously being attracted to more than one guy usually leads to unfaithfulness. (I mean not just “Oh He’s cute. I mean, like the “DAMN, i want to sleep with him” idea.) But i’m stuck. I’m finding myself falling into a camp of i really like one guy, but another guy I like is … more… i wouldn’t say ready, but… willing, i guess. So Now I’m supposing which one to choose. The guy who seems interested, or the guy who just wants me as a friend. What the hell kind of choice is that?!?! Not much of one. Logic demands that i move on– but part of me clings to a last thread of hope, that I should probably toss into the gutter with the rest of my dreams … *shrugs*

Contemplation… Anyway tonight’s lyric spew is from Sense Field, I Refuse It’s an excellent song. I love it to pieces, and i’ve been looking for it for a while. Thank God for In Station Recordings.

Don’t say that you know me

You never knew the first thing at all

Still you should have told me

Took everything and selling it off

These holes in your stories

As many as theres holes in the wall

You told me that you like the old me

Cause the new me is telling you:

I refuse to fit into this lame idea you’ve always had for me

I don’t want to be what you want me to be

You complain because i’m not the same

I won’t be missing the place that I came

I know that its risky but all bets are off

This is my life so whatever the cost

If i’m lost would you hold it against me?

Make me pay for every step of the way?

I know that you’ve already told me

You don’t like the new me at all

You told me that you missed the old me

When I couldn’t be happy

And I refuse to fit into this lame idea you’ve always had for me

I’m not gonna be what you want me to be

And I refuse, i’m not gonna be what you want to be

I know that you’ve already told me

You don’t like the new me at all

You told me that you used to know me

You really never knew me at all

But all the change is a good thing

I’ll see for myself

The change is a good thing

Spelling it out

Change is a good thing

Can see for myself

Change is a good thing

Don’t say that you know me

You never knew the first thing at all

Still you should have told me

Took everything and selling it off

I refuse to fit into this lame idea

I refuse

I refuse to fit into this lame idea you’ve always had for me

I’m not gonna be what you want me to be

Derringer Meryl [I f*ckin’ Hate Me] Out

Life would be SO much easier if it was like a math problem. You could solve it, and, on monday when the teacher gives you the answer, you can go back and look at the problem and see what you did wrong, if anything. Sure if you were stupid enough to write in pen, you might have to re-copy your homework, but that’s really your own fault. But you can erase…. or white out. and you can look at a problem, and walk away, go watch some tv, and come back and solve it because your mind is clear.

But life isnt’ that way, unfortunately. Big choices, that you have to make quickly, and there isnt’ any just erasing what happens. there isn’t any, …. people are involved. People with emotions, and dreams and thoughts, and perceptions. That’s why, i guess, thinking all the time is a blessing. Sometimes you know exactly what to say, and the rest of the time you stick your foot in your mouth. Thinking ahead, about what choices you want in life, it helps you aim for the goal.

…. like a temple marriage…. *shrugs* knowing that i don’t want a husband who is a religion nazi, and that loves me, and only one thing in the world more than me, God. Who doesn’t look at girls and thinks “Could I have done better?” and NEVER EVER comes up with the answer of yes. Who loves the occult, but doesn’t worship it, but safely admires it from a distance. Knows things he probably shouldn’t, but not from experience, from others stupid mistakes (like exactly how to mix drinks, or what a fluffer is…) I don’t need a preacher to get married to, I have a Bishop, I have a father, and I have a conscience, and i don’t need one more person telling me i’m going to hell.

he knows i’m a woman, knows what that means, and knows that i am in no way less than him. (In fact scientifically the more orifices that an animal has, the more evolutionarily advanced it is. SO HAH!!) We’d be a little different. We may think different ways, but would be able to compromise in a way to make both of us happy. I would never hear the words “Honey, I’m really thirsty, i need a drink.” coming from his mouth unless in dire circumstances of illness or injury.

He’d make me laugh. Daily. His smile will be a little crooked when we shared a joke, and no matter what, it’d make me feel the same way. Special. Pure and clean, like light was shining out through my pores. He and I would have a few things in common, but he’d participate in a few things i did (like poetry readings) that he didn’t like, and i’d participate in things i don’t necessarily like (Car Races? I don’t know, i’ve never been in a relationship long enough for a guy to suggest an activity i didn’t like.) and we’d be happy.

If he had a bad day at work, i’d do everything to make it better. He’d keep a journal and be in touch with his feminine side, and not afraid to admit it. He’d do his share of house work, and i’d have to teach him to do the laundry, but it’d all turn out okay. He’d talk to me while I cook dinner, which of course i’ll burn, and we’d eat it anyway. he’d hold my hand on the escalators at the mall, and we’d go into stores together, and i’d never whine, or him either for that matter.

and he’s all in my head. I see parts of him in guys I meet from day to day…. Gert, Monkey, Marco, Frienjamin, Johnny Depp (new nickname for another Co-worker), My teachers, just– guys. Everywhere. I notice what they do, what they don’t do, and what i want my future husband to do. I’m willing to bend on things. I have to be. I mean, that’s damn near the perfect guy i listed there, (I know I’ve been looking) and obviously I’m sure as hell not perfect. (Note the Hell)

I’m hopeless.

Derringer Meryl [Hello Spinsterhood] Out

Yeah, I went in and talked to the guy formally known as “HIM” (well he isn’t anymore because, he just doesn’t seem to make me feel the way he did once…. or maybe it’s because I’ve decided that i wasn’t happy torturing myself because I couldn’t have “HIM”, in any case, he’s just J-Bob now.) He’s still the same cutie he always was. But despite how cute and warm and fuzzy he makes me feel–

i’ve always been more of a one man woman…. I think that’s how I’m supposed to say it. I do miss talking J-bob on tuesdays while we worked. He was always SO nice to me. Kept me sorta… evened out.

*smirks* He loves kids and has these little dimples… and…

Nevermind.

People say absence makes the heart grow fonder– i think it just makes the heart grow more bitter. Like me? yeah. I spend time away from people I enjoy, and I get …. i was going to say angry– but my therapist says Anger is a secondary emotion and that you feel something before anger …. always.

i feel… sad. I miss people. some people make me feel happy.

some people like monkey. and then they don’t ever hang out unless red is around, and then I miss them… *shifty eyes* Right. This is a time where me not talking should happen.

Derringer Meryl [zipping it] Out

So I went to the High School/Family Reunion. I was there for like, an hour … maybe less, and that’s fine, because I felt sorta… mopey today. mopey: to give oneself up to brooding : become listless or dejected Yeah. I’m the brood queen. I’m a poof, and what not. (in the strict sense that I’m all … like Angel)

Yeah. Uber weird day. I don’t know how to explain it but, total drain on the brain. My poor friend who had her b/f committed, came into work crying her eyes out, because her boyfriend’s mom just ripped her to shreds. She was always a really laid back girl and now things like this are happening to her.

I don’t know where she got the bad kharma… but i feel bad for her.

*sighs* Then there’s me. I tend to focus on me, a lot. Especially in this journal, but then i figure, it’s my journal…. DUH! *shrugs* Red’s leaving at the end of the week. Makes me sad. *frowns* She’s my doll. One of the two people i’m currently addicted to, and she’s going off to college, of course she’s mainly focusing on her boyfriend, and what he thinks about her going off and exploring the wide world of… University. I don’t blame her. I’ve been in the happy place where all there is in the world is you and your guy (or if you’re a guy then you and your gal…. or if you have alternative lifestyles… whatever, you get the picture.) and you’re happy. All the time. *sighs*

Then, after that month of happiness is over, you get sad and dejected. Until you move on to the next person. *shrugs* I guess. I miss the happy. That’s why bitter people hate happy people, because they want to be them. Want to smile and feel that joy inside of them…. but instead they feel empty and cold. Nothing feels quite right without the other person.

and you end up trying to fill your life with something else…. like scrubbing carpets, or writing witty but unrealistic stories. *laughs* Okay. So I fill my hours with that kind of stuff, and yeah, it is because i’m pathetic…

don’t TRY to talk me out of it… i am, pathetic that is, i’m brooding over *shakes her head* I’m brooding because Red is in a relationship, and i’m not. Beyond that, I don’t have any DESIRE for her relationship (ie the guy she’s with) but i want one of my own.

Like i’m going to find it in my parents basement. Right. *spaces off* I just want to live– and my quality of living my life isnt’ school or writing. I know what i want.

But see, I’m not lucky. I don’t know what it is that all the other girls from my school have (or at least a good portion of them) that I dont’. The capability to have a relationship that lasts… Like my friend Bob, she and her boyfriend (Yes, her name is Bob, we call her that… her name is TOO popular to call her by it.) have gone out two years now. It’s maddening. My Friend Scarlett and her boyfriend have been going out for three…. *sighs* And I score the record high with nine months. And he didn’t even take me on a date.

Jerk…. *sighs* I’m pathetic.

Derringer Meryl [never look back] Out