Undone

still no dress,

hating the lateness of the evening

late nights are my enemy with depression. I wallow. I’m trying to stay better. to feel better.

this year (pardon my french) is shit. I hate it. I hate how I’m falling apart all the time. I hate how lonely I feel. I hate how it’s all my fault. it’s hard to be up when you feel so down. I haven’t given up yet. Have a long to do list. after discussing things, I am calling my therapist, and working things out… I don’t think I’ll go back as often. I do still need help.

I wish i could just magically feel better. I wish I could just let go of all the things about myself I hate. I wish i could truely see what others thought of me.

I wish i could be free of the prison I’ve placed myself in. I wish i could reach out to someone. I’m too scared of what they’d think of me.

here i am. trapped inside my own head, with too much to do, and too little time.

derringer meryl [trapped] out

WAHOO! Entry land. Okay, I’ve been trying to post an entry for the last fifteen minutes. Honest. I”m not completely lazy ya know.

And I update more than once a week like Scott. 😀 Just kidding. I keep him jumping most of the time. I’m a bit of a handful, ya know? I’m always doing something, and thusly dragging Scott with me. Wedding planning is going good.

I GOT MY DRESS! *squeals* I don’t have it with me (at home) it’s getting altered and what not. but it’ll be done in time. I’m so happy. IT means that it’s really getting close now. *smiles*

Lets see.

Um. Right. My OTHER precious is outside. So pretty and Golden. It’s not mine… at all. Or yet or anything. And I don’t need family spazzing out about this, but… Scott and I got a car. Kinda. Maybe. Some kinks need to be worked out. and stuff. I might not have it, Might take it back. Who knows. 🙂

But it’s nice to just look at it and think That’s mine

Scott gets me nice things.

I need to get myself a nice job. Just sent off a resume. Need to find a way to root myself down in American Fork/Orem area without an apartment. *thinks* Maybe… I”ll just go and take the car, and sleep in the car (a la Scott!) Hee hee.

Lots of exciting things are happening. I’m so… very… thin. LIke… not physically thin (duh!) but like Bilbo says in the first movie, he feels like butter that’s been scraped over too much bread. That kind of thin and worn. Like when I sleep, it just isn’t enough.

I got Invader Zim Yesterday! I’m veyr happy. The power was out last night, so I didn’t get to watch it, or type an entry up for in here…. 🙁

I got to go See Van Helsing last night. A lot of people say it sucked. Monkey maintains that it’s a Lion King Ending (with the clouds) and the people at work say the fights rocked (they did!) and the ending sucked (I don’t think so) I think that the ending requires a good grasp on religious aspects to completely understand. I don’t want to give it away, but if you want to understand it, I suggest you pick up the bible and read (Old Testament I do believe)

Or basically take a class in symbolism. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Basking in Knowledge] Out

*sighs* I’m not procrastinating. Really. It’s just that this isn’t due until the 29th, and I really don’t want to analyze a film right now. especially not a pain in the butt long movie like Lord of the Rings. (The Fellowship of the Ring) which is SO long and SO boring, I want to stab my eyes out. I got assigned it in my group, while the two other people got the second movie (there’s another girl working with me on the first one.) and really all i have to do is spew about the stupid esoteric symbols in the movie for a page… but I don’t wanna.

Really.

Cause all I wanna do is talk to Scott. i want to be distracted. I don’t want to think about the huge mound of homework I have, or the fact that I still have a page and a half things I need to buy for the wedding (or pay for) and the piano player still hasn’t called back. (what a monkey.) and it’s costing a kidney and two-thirds for Scott to come visit me at home. And I keep getting the shaft at work (as in, not scheduled) so I’m basically a working gal with no income…. and a lot of out go. *starts to pull at her hair* it’d be stupid to get a new job now Up here, but it’s impossible for me to get a job down there yet (I’m still in school, and then there’s only a month until the wedding–) and… ugh! *pulls hair out* and i feel like a lazy piece of poo! I’m doing a whole lot of nothing.

BLAH!

Flowers, Garter, and where the heck is my dress? I don’t know. I don’t know much. I should probably just relax and watch as everyone else plans my wedding, cause while i do care about how it turns out, the most important part is the fact that Scott and I are going to be sealed to each other for now and forever.

I think i need that tattooed on my arm or something.

Who knows where i’m going to get the money for my temple skirt…

maybe i’ll sell some plasma… How much do they give for that Antigone. if the annoyance of a needle is worth it… i might go give it a round.

Derringer Meryl [Feeling stretched] Ou