Sep
05
2003
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i’ve been a bad, bad girl

For some reason, being a girl comes with a whole shit load of power. I’m not talking the power to create life, though that is pretty powerful, I mean Hello, hand of God…. I mean the power to manipulate.

I’m fairly sure every girl has it, though some may not use it as much as others. And the unfortunate thing is there is no manual. I’ve been the rudest, skaniest, lowest, filthiest excuse of a girl in terms of manipulation for the past few … um… weeks, and I have no idea how to stop. Heck, I only know that my own anger triggered it.

Damn. *frowns*

Anyway, i’m trying to stop, being manipulative that is, because, it’s low. And I hate being low. I hate the idea. I have all of my friends turning against one of my other friends, and i’m a horrid person for it.

I dare not mention names, even silly code ones.

i’m disgusting. and i’m not trying to manipulate for the pity either. (See, it never ever turns off. EVER!) It’s next to impossible to be genuine, because i always feel like i’m being false, cause i don’t feel a whole lot of emotion in the first place. I mean, I feel stuff, but it doesn’t tend to effect me a lot.

OI.

Anyway, I hope the person who i’ve been horrible to, if he even reads in here any more, which i doubt he does, i hope he knows i’m genuine in my sorriness. Err, In how sorry I feel. Whichever.

Derringer Meryl [Off, turn it off!!] Out

Written by admin in: Uncategorized |
Sep
03
2003
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On My Honor I will Try to serve God and My ….

So I gave Monkey his sunglasses back, like a good little girl. *raises her arm to a square and smiles happily* I swear.

I don’t know why i didn’t give him the picture. I should have. But I guess I want that to be more of a… not at work thing. It’s just a matter of catching him long enough to give it to him.

he’s just always so busy.

I played air hockey with my brother and screwed up my pinky finger right nicely. It’s all bruised, and partially swollen…. it’s really rather disgusting. *shrugs* I need to do laundry, because it’s just… oi, i’m running out of normal everyday clothes to wear.

heh.

I was watching gilmore girls and thinking about Monkey and I. Or whatever the hell you want to say, which ever sounds better. I was thinking about my deal with Monkey, which I’m fairly sure he’s unaware of, because deep down, it’s my own deal, with all men of any nature. *sighs* But Lorelai is trying to play it cool with her daughter’s teacher, Max, whom she’s kissed. (He’s affectionately known as Wolf around our house because… well… he starred as Wolf in “The Tenth Kingdom”) He acts so odd about it. He won’t get near her, physically. He says that when they’re close bad things happen… and Lorelai is telling her friend Suki about how she would know how to act if she could just ask Max what he was thinking.

God, Is she so right. I would know how to act, around EVERYONE, if i just knew what they were thinking. Not everyone in this state is so open with their thoughts.

Heh. Heck, when it comes to expressing themselves, Red and I are pioneers.

Oh, I guess it’s time for the Lyric Spew for tonight, right? It’s When I’m with you, Simple Plan DOnt’ be surprised if a lot of lyric spews come from them or Chicago. I’m in love with the two albums. HA! 😀

Taking my time

I’m trying to leave the memories of you behind

I’m gonna be fine

As soon as I get your picture right out of my mind

[CHORUS]

I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I’m with you

I wanna be the only hand, you need to hold on to

But everytime I call you don’t have time

I guess I’ll never get to call you mine

For nothing at all, I know theres a million reasons

why I shouldn’t call

With nothing to say, could easily make this

conversation last all day

I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I’m with you

I wanna be the only hand, you need to hold on to

But everytime I call you don’t have time

I guess I’ll never get to call you mine

Another lesson I didn’t get to learn

Your my obsession

I’ve got nowhere to turn

I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I’m with you

I wanna be the only hand, you need to hold on to

But everytime I call you don’t have time

I guess I’ll never get to call you mine

I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I’m with you

I wanna be the only hand, you need to hold on to

But everytime I call you don’t have time

I guess I’ll never get to call you mine

Derringer Meryl [my pinky hurts bad] Out

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Sep
03
2003
--

And All that Jazz

After watching Chicago I’ve discovered, that I have a new favorite song.

I don’t condone killing, in anyway whatsoever– but in self defense… I mean, sometimes bad things happen in the heat of passion. So Today, I’m going to leave you with … The Cell Block Tango Sung by Six women, partially spoken.

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you’d have been there

If you’d have seen it

I betcha you would have done the same!

You know how people

have these little habits

That get you down. Like Bernie.

Bernie like to chew gum. No, not chew. POP. Well, I came home this one day And I am really irritated, and looking for a little sympathy and there’e Bernie layin’ on the couch, drinkin’ a beer and chewin’. No, not chewin’. Poppin’. So, I said to him,I said, “Bernie, you pop that gum one more time…” and he did. So I took the shotgun off the wall and I fired two warning shots…

…into his head.

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you’d have been there

If you’d have seen it

I betcha you would

Have done the same!

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you’d have been there

If you’d have seen it

I betcha you would

Have done the same!

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself to blame

If you’d have been there

If you’d have seen it

I betcha you would

Have dome the same!

I met Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake city about two years ago and he told me he was single and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He’d go to work, he’d come home, I’d mix him a drink, We’d have dinner. And then I found out. “Single” he told me?Single, my ass. Not only was he married …oh, no, he had six wives. One of those Mormons, you know. So that night, when he came home, I mixed him his drink as usual.

You know, some guys just can’t hold their arsenic.

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself

To blame

If you’d have been there

If you’d have seen it

I betcha you would

Have done the same

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had himself

to blame

If you’d have been there

If yo’d have seen it

I betcha you would

Have done the same!

Hah! He had it coming

He had it coming

He took a flower

In its prime

And then he used it

And he abused it

It was a murder

But not a crime!

Now, I’m standing in the kitchen carvin’ up the chicken for dinner, minding my own business, and in storms my husband Wilbur, in a jealous rage. “You been screwin’ the milkman,” he says. He was crazy and he kept screamin’, “you been screwin the milkman.” And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times!

If you’d have been there

If you’d have seen it

I betcha you would have done the same!

What I am doing here? They say, that the famous lakem kept down my husband and I stoke off his head. But this is not true, I am guiltless. I dont know why Uncle Sam says that I did it. I tried to explain at the police station but they didn’t understand me…

My sister, Veronica and I did this double act and my husband, Charlie, used to travel round with us. Now, for the last number in our act, we did these 20 acrobatic four,five…splits, spread eagles, back flips,flip flops, one right after the other. Well, this one night we were in Cicero, the three of us, sittin’ up in a hotel room, boozin’ and havin’ a few laughs and we ran out of ice. So I went out to get some.I come back, open the door and there’s Veronica andCharlie doing Number Seventeen-

the spread eagle.

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had

Himself to blame.

If you’d have been there

Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out.I can’t remember a thing. It wasn’t until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands I even knew they were dead.

They had it coming

They had it coming

They had it coming all along

I didn’t do it

But if I’d done it

How could you tell me that I was wrong?

I loved Alvin Lipschitz more than I can possibly say. He was a real artistic guy… sensitive… a painter. But he was troubled. He was always trying to find himself. He’d go out every night looking for himself and on the way he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary and Irving. I guess you can say we broke up because or artistic differences. He saw himself as alive and I saw him dead.

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had

Himself to blame

If you’d have been there

If you’d have seen it

I betcha

You would

Have done

The same!

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

They had it comin’

They had it comin’

They had it comin’

They had it comin’

They had it comin’

They had it comin’

All Along

All Along

‘Cause if they used us

‘Cause if they used us

And they abused us

And they abused us

How could you tell us

How could you tell us That we were wrong?

That we were wrong?

He had it coming

He had it coming

He only had

Himself

To blame.

If you’d have been there

If you’d have seen it

I betcha

You would

Have done

The same!

If you liked that, as much as I Did. Rent it, or buy the cd. or do whatever. I loved the show. I’m going to listen to this song until i rage insanely.

Derringer Meryl [He ran into my knife ten times] Out

Written by admin in: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,
Sep
02
2003
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Fuck that, Big Low

I am running on

about an hour and fifteen minutes

of sleep.

Lately i’ve been plagued with nightmares. i won’t go into detail. really. i won’t. i don’t care to, as they make me cry in fear in the middle of the day. Seriously. I’m not kidding. Tears, flow, down my face in fear.

really. i don’t know what to do to convince you. YOU UNBELIEVING JERK!! Okay, okay, i may have overreacted there, but i’m serious. I’m so tired. It’s not even funny.

My emotions are out of whack from the lack of sleep, and my sabbatical from taking my medication, among other things… like the constant social (very much local) pressure to get married. God. And my parent’s don’t like my friends, and demand that I go to college, and get a better job, and God.

it just feels like everyone is screaming at me YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH and I never will be. I’ll never have all my plates spinning at once. I just won’t. I don’t know anyone who does, but i feel the pressure. I need to be skinnier, and to wear my makeup everyday, and to smile and sell things well, and get chores done, and crafts, and cook, and smile.

I’m so tired of the smiling. But I don’t know how to not live that way. I don’t know how to make this all stop. I can’t say no to my parents, and I can’t say no to college and my job. I can’t make it all go away.

And even though I can hear the devil himself whispering to me about what i could do to make it all go away, i won’t give him my soul …. by killing myself.

I can’t do that.

And GOD DAMN those scientists who came up with anti-depressants. For getting you hooked and making you sick, and making you notice so much more the holes in your walls because… because on the drug all you see is happy flowers and happy trees, but off, everyone seems to hunt you down…

I don’t want to need the pills anymore. God, I want some rest with out the pills. I guess someone is always asking for something, but I just want God. I want to go home.

Derringer Meryl [Little Hi, Little Low] Out

Written by admin in: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,
Aug
30
2003
--

Tumblin’ tumble weeds

Got a great compliment. One that makes me think… THings. I got it from Gert, who is a prince among toads of guys. Sure sometimes he’s a little whacky and what not, but …

he sure knows what to say to a sad girl. Maybe it’s practice. seen a lot of sad girls in his day, but i was complaining about Monkey, because it fills up the dead space between ligitamate conversastions…. and he says to me, Gert says:

“Monkey just doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it. He will someday, but it’ll probably be too late.”

*blushie blush*

I’m not a big fan of the “I like fifty guys at once” Thing, because I find seriously being attracted to more than one guy usually leads to unfaithfulness. (I mean not just “Oh He’s cute. I mean, like the “DAMN, i want to sleep with him” idea.) But i’m stuck. I’m finding myself falling into a camp of i really like one guy, but another guy I like is … more… i wouldn’t say ready, but… willing, i guess. So Now I’m supposing which one to choose. The guy who seems interested, or the guy who just wants me as a friend. What the hell kind of choice is that?!?! Not much of one. Logic demands that i move on– but part of me clings to a last thread of hope, that I should probably toss into the gutter with the rest of my dreams … *shrugs*

Contemplation… Anyway tonight’s lyric spew is from Sense Field, I Refuse It’s an excellent song. I love it to pieces, and i’ve been looking for it for a while. Thank God for In Station Recordings.

Don’t say that you know me

You never knew the first thing at all

Still you should have told me

Took everything and selling it off

These holes in your stories

As many as theres holes in the wall

You told me that you like the old me

Cause the new me is telling you:

I refuse to fit into this lame idea you’ve always had for me

I don’t want to be what you want me to be

You complain because i’m not the same

I won’t be missing the place that I came

I know that its risky but all bets are off

This is my life so whatever the cost

If i’m lost would you hold it against me?

Make me pay for every step of the way?

I know that you’ve already told me

You don’t like the new me at all

You told me that you missed the old me

When I couldn’t be happy

And I refuse to fit into this lame idea you’ve always had for me

I’m not gonna be what you want me to be

And I refuse, i’m not gonna be what you want to be

I know that you’ve already told me

You don’t like the new me at all

You told me that you used to know me

You really never knew me at all

But all the change is a good thing

I’ll see for myself

The change is a good thing

Spelling it out

Change is a good thing

Can see for myself

Change is a good thing

Don’t say that you know me

You never knew the first thing at all

Still you should have told me

Took everything and selling it off

I refuse to fit into this lame idea

I refuse

I refuse to fit into this lame idea you’ve always had for me

I’m not gonna be what you want me to be

Derringer Meryl [I f*ckin’ Hate Me] Out

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