Undone

Don’t you ever get tired of being brave? Putting on that happy smile face for the entire world. The Grin that just makes you feel like you should be hoping for peace on earth, not wanting to blow it to smithereens?

The smile that feels like it’s been pasted on your face for the benefit of some jackass who doesn’t care how you’re feeling really, he just wants to ooze you for every last cent. He is always looking for some loop hole to get through, some easy way to make some money.

Some lie to tell one girl, and lie again, so no one can trace him

Or God, could it be worse? the truth? The truth that someone is actually doing something besides homework this weekend. Someone is having a good time. Good God forbid….

He doesn’t read anymore, no time. It’s amazing how people run out of time. How I seem to find no time to do things i don’t like either. No time to figure out how he thinks, because all it does it make me unhappy because i know i never cross his mind EVER. Because why should i? Why should he think about me, or anything dealing with me? God. I can’t even walk into my bedroom without thinking about him. I have pictures, a stuffed animal– the entire scent of the room. God.

I hate myself for the things i do. If I could just stop thinking. stop moving, and just BE, maybe i’d have a decent chance at anything.

Red says How can i expect him to want to be more when we weren’t even much of anything except acquaintances before we … God. There isn’t even a we. Before he and I dated. Once. Dated. Past tense. So I can’t expect a whole lot.

I understand that. Part of my brain fully registers that. I see that.

But why do i forget it all when i think about him? good grief.

Screw this. I’m embarrassed at saying any of it.

Dido, White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,

I’ll tell you that.

But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it

where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder

Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and

destruction to come back again

And I caused but nothing but trouble

I understand if you can’t talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”

then I’m sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet

Which I’m sure we will

All that was then

Will be there still

I’ll let it pass

And hold my tongue

And you will think

That I’ve moved on….

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

One of my favorite songs at the moment. Don’t search for the CD it isn’t out yet.

Derringer Meryl [waiting for death to greet me] Out

I think i’ve fallen in love. I know it’s sudden, but i’m pretty sure he loves me too.

It’s magical. And now, the beauty of love, as he sweeps me off my feet in a way that only he could. Romantically, slightly coarse, but it doesn’t matter as long as the real emotion is there. You know, the kind that leaves you breathless at night?

I can’t imagine a love more special than ours. How exciting. *flutters eyelashes* We met after Halo Night at Gert’s house, and ever since then I’ve been falling deeper and deeper in love. What makes it so exciting, is that he feels the same way in return. I giggle like a school girl at the thought. *hee hee*

I’d like to introduce to you, Simple Plan. LOL, yeah, i’m sure i had you going there. *Laughs bitterly* Sorry, I was channeling Eliza there for a minute or two. I’m sure you know that Simple Plan isn’t actually one person, but several people composing a band, which plays some seriously kick ass music. (As well as still romantically touching. Huzzah for them!)

I’m sure the band likes the thought that Artemis (she doesn’t like the a in her name though, never call her that. Grr.) from work has talked me into thinking that Simple Plan is positively the best band EVAH! I believe her. Seriously. Cause she and I think a lot alike, and actually get a long which is shocking for a girl and I to get a long. I swear I’m like the anti-girl. But then again, so is she (and yet pro-looking girly, like me.) so she isn’t trying to get into every guy’s pants like some girls, and i find that very refreshing. Huzzah!

Anyway, On with tonights, obscenely late Lyric spew. (BTW< i was ‘at class’ so i couldn’t do this earlier. Heh heh heh.) Oh and a double BTW, this weekend Red is coming home from college. I just hope some of the time this weekend will be spent on me, and not the shattered relationship with that Jackass she’s dating. (Sorry, I’m extreme prejudice. Sue me.)

Right, now for Simple Plan, I’d Do Anything

Another day is going by

I’m thinking about you all the time

But you’re out there

And I’m here waiting

And I wrote this letter in my head

‘Cuz so many things were left unsaid

But now you’re gone

And I can’t think straight

This could be the one last chance

To make you understand

I’d do anything

Just to hold you in my arms

To try to make you laugh

Some how I can’t put you in the past

I’d do anything

Just to fall asleep with you

Will you remember me?

‘Cuz I know

I won’t forget you

Together we broke all the rules

Dreaming of dropping out of school

And leave this place

To never come back

So now maybe after all these years

If you miss me have no fear

I’ll be here

I’ll be waiting

This could be the one last chance to make you understand

And I just can’t let you leave me once again

I’d do anything

Just to hold you in my arms

Try to make you laugh

Some how I can’t put you in the past

I’d do anything

Just to fall asleep with you

Will you remember me?

Cuz i know I won’t forget you

I close my eyes

And all I see is you

I close my eyes

I try to sleep

I can’t forget you

Nanana (2 x)

And I’d do anything for you

Nanana (2 x)

I’d do anything

Just to hold you in my arms

To try to make you laugh

Some how I can’t put you in the past

I’d do anything

Just to fall asleep with you

To fall alseep with you, you ya

Cuz I know I won’t forget you

Okay, not every girl would find this song romantic, so what? I do. I also Find their song Addicted A very good song too. Brinking on romantic, and emotionally rewarding.

Derringer Meryl [Is it friday yet?] Out

Instead of editing my previous entry, i’m just going to add my lyric spew for today, it’s lazy, i know, but you want to know what– I’m so emotionally overdrawn it’s not funny.

Other girls might be trying to live up to how pretty some super model is– i’m busy trying to look as good as some pixelated Chick. Okay? Her boobs are like.. three times the size of her head. Slim waist, and athletic thighs.

how the hell am i supposed to compete with her?

THC {AKA Shy}, Overfire

I’ll take you up above ground

over filth, over fire

newly emerged from damp rich earth

every inch a new sensation

stretches me out of my head

out of my head in to his

to taste and smell myself

I’ll take you up above ground

over filth, over fire

beyond everyday more than life

over filth, over fire

More flesh wrapped around me

more weight on my limbs

more teeth, more hands, more heat

more breath down my throat

More flesh wrapped around me

more weight on my limbs

more teeth, more hands, more heat

more breath down my throat

more teeth, more hands, more heat

more breath down my throat

I’ll take you up above the ground

over filth, over fire

out of my head into yours

to taste and smell myself

Over filth, over fire

Derringer Meryl [if you could only hear the singer] Out

Oh, I’ve been having a little too much fun in the name of The Two Towers Release….

You can have a little too much fun too!!

In Middle-earth I was a Forgotten Oathbreaker [at least people forgot that i broke oaths… lol]

Elven Name Possibilities: calenturiel, calenturien, calenturwen

Hobbit lass name: Rosa Gamwich from LongCleeve

Hobbit lad name: Merry Gamwich from LongCleeve (I knew I would have been most like a Merry. HA!)

Dwarven Name: Perin Snowear

Orkish Name: Skarrásh the Strongclaw

yes, probably too much fun for one person to handle. 😀 But I’m having a good time, and i skipped going to school today, and I happened to have enjoyed it. 😀

Derringer Meryl [i’m a Gamwich!] Out

I finally finished watching Chobits, and have come to the decision that i need to make a Chii layout for this website. But finally finishing watching it makes me feel…. well it works in really well with my journal entry from yesterday. The whole point of the anime is for the main characters, Chii and Hideki, to find the person they love the most. I don’t want to ruin it for you, but lemmie tell you…

that was ONE social commentary on society that was RIGHT ON! People loving ‘things’ (persocons) more than real people. They began to ignore their loved ones because they found something that was programmed to be happy, and it didnt’ matter if they forgot their birthday, or to say thank you for dinner, or if they were romantic. The Persocons were happy no matter what. That’s the ideal person, the ideal mate. No worries, no stress, just happy, warm fuzzies! That’s the deal. Then when the people have to deal with real people, who have all sorts of emotions, they don’t understand them and withdraw more.

*sighs* I’m afraid that i’m going to have to make some kind of test, and a made up disease that inflicts people… called… SIFD. Yes, SIFD (Social Interaction and Flirtation Disorder) and then i’ll make up some fake symptoms. Like: Short uncommitted relationships, bad or even disgraceful pick up lines, drooling, tripping over the floor and/or own feet, stuttering, clingyness, and drunken actingness…. or soemthing.

I’ll make it better, and i’ll make an official website for SIFD, of course with a disclaimer and what not, so people won’t sue me. Cause God, that’s just what i need, isnt’ it? *laughs, then suddenly sobers*

No. No it isn’t. Unless the judge or the lawyer i get is really really cute! still. Lawyer and court fees in combination with tuition to college, it isn’t pretty. Not pretty at all. ick. *gags*

Red and I have been discussing the matter of Love. And our few, but still very vibrant, loves in our lives. The real kind. Not the “I’m a sophmore in Highschool and i know you must be the one for me, and i just can’t imagine life without you” type thing. Something deep and pure and … abiding, and unending. it’s something… It’s not for the person who feels it. It’s for the person it’s felt for. You want to sacrifice everything you feel, everything you are, and anything… nothing is out of the bounds for what you would give to make that person happy, even if it wasn’t with you– you want him to smile that happy smile no matter who it’s with. it’ll hurt you until you want your innards ripped out your ears, but you want him to smile that happy smile… even if it’s not to you.

And you want to know what? It’s the same kind of love no matter the gender. I love Red, and I’m almost damn sure she loves me. that’s why she always tells me the truth when i’m lying to myself about things. It’s hard to admit myself to the truth, but… it’s hard not to. She says it in the simplest way– and it makes you see it, you can’t deny it in any way. Isn’t possible.

I haven’t been feeling so well this weekend. I told Di to tell Monkey that i was deathly ill. So much for that. I think i’m glad she didnt’. I mean, my heart starts racing for no reason whatsoever, and it’s not a good thing. That is my heart rate [resting] is around one hundred BPM, and that’s no good. no good at all. I can’t live like that. i get light headed, and just… ill. Sick to my stomach. it feels like my heart is going to jump right out of my chest… i don’t know why my heart is doing this, i haven’t been caffeine queen, and i haven’t taken my amphetamines that would make my heart race like that.

It’s scary. and the two people i want to be next to me if I have to go to the hospital, aren’t here. Aren’t contactable… and for one of them, i feel that i have no one to blame but myself.

Derringer Meryl [i want to be with you] Out