Undone

I am running on

about an hour and fifteen minutes

of sleep.

Lately i’ve been plagued with nightmares. i won’t go into detail. really. i won’t. i don’t care to, as they make me cry in fear in the middle of the day. Seriously. I’m not kidding. Tears, flow, down my face in fear.

really. i don’t know what to do to convince you. YOU UNBELIEVING JERK!! Okay, okay, i may have overreacted there, but i’m serious. I’m so tired. It’s not even funny.

My emotions are out of whack from the lack of sleep, and my sabbatical from taking my medication, among other things… like the constant social (very much local) pressure to get married. God. And my parent’s don’t like my friends, and demand that I go to college, and get a better job, and God.

it just feels like everyone is screaming at me YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH and I never will be. I’ll never have all my plates spinning at once. I just won’t. I don’t know anyone who does, but i feel the pressure. I need to be skinnier, and to wear my makeup everyday, and to smile and sell things well, and get chores done, and crafts, and cook, and smile.

I’m so tired of the smiling. But I don’t know how to not live that way. I don’t know how to make this all stop. I can’t say no to my parents, and I can’t say no to college and my job. I can’t make it all go away.

And even though I can hear the devil himself whispering to me about what i could do to make it all go away, i won’t give him my soul …. by killing myself.

I can’t do that.

And GOD DAMN those scientists who came up with anti-depressants. For getting you hooked and making you sick, and making you notice so much more the holes in your walls because… because on the drug all you see is happy flowers and happy trees, but off, everyone seems to hunt you down…

I don’t want to need the pills anymore. God, I want some rest with out the pills. I guess someone is always asking for something, but I just want God. I want to go home.

Derringer Meryl [Little Hi, Little Low] Out