Undone

Whoa. I mean WHOA.

Ever feel like you’re the old lady on the road of life? Like everyone else is zooming by while you’re stuck trying to figure out what the hell classes to take for your freshmen year in college even though you have to be registered and going by next week.

i worry. I worry a lot. I’m going in the slow lane and people are zipping past me like crazy and I can’t do anything to control what’s going on in my life. Cause just like high school, i have to go to college no matter if i want to or not. It’s not so much that i don’t want to go and learn, i just don’t know what i want to learn, or when or why, or anything.

and things happen to people. Crazy things, with sharp implements, and … happy things with other people that they care about… and unhappy things, scary and just plain life shattering things.

and I sit here, with my car stalled on the side of the road. Watching all these people I care about, get into accidents, and get married and … move and go to college and … all of this stuff, just great and horrid stuff, that changes them for the btter, and makes them learn and grow, and i’m stuck

I dont’ know why i’m stuck at the side of the road. I do things, I try to go to college, and i try to be social, but even when i’m there, it feels liek i’m watching. I’m waiting for an accident, or a happy thing, so i can help, and be happy with them, or cry with them, it’s like my life, is their life.

I live vicariously through my friends?

*sighs* Damn. I am the old person in the slow lane. I’ve aged like… twenty years, and i’ve missed all the fun stuff in life. Like… getting married and having kids, and …. growing up with someone I love.

Tomorrow my friends and I are having a little Bon Voyage Party, because everyone starts to leave for their own colleges this week, and i’m like the Xander of the group… i just sorta drift now. I’ll always be there, but i’m not doing much, not making much out of my life… But steady.

I dont’ know how to explain it without sounding like an after school special.

Life gets too complicated, too quickly. I thought i had it bad when I didn’t know what to do with Monkey sometimes…. how to act and what not,

i have friends aching for something that small to be their crisis. My Friend checked her Boyfriend into the psych ward, and his mom’s gone berserk.

I’m so amazed. And speechless. And proud. She’s had to grow up really quick recently. I’m so happy to see her… growing in ways i didn’t think she would ever have to.

What a day. and it’s about to start all over again.

Amazing

Derringer Meryl [and he walked away] Out

I haven’t really slept in over a week, except for today. I came home from …. I think it was the Game Crazy, or did i go somewhere after? I don’t know, but i slept until… nearly eleven.

Exhaustion…. Deathly helpful.

Currently listening to: My angry music. Okay, so I tell people, angry music, makes me feel better. And it does, sometimes, and other times– it makes me more angry. Right now, i think it’s helping me from going insane and doing things not so … helpful to me. *smirks* Red, i think you know what i’m talking about….. maybe ;D. Who knows. I’m barely coherent.

I was thinking today as i made my cookies…. (For Marco) about how some addictions aren’t that bad. Like the addiction to air. I mean I can’t live without it. [addict: to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively] Yeah, that. I get addicted to people, but unlike heroine or crack, you can’t go pick it up off the street for a pretty penny. When you’re addicted to somebody, they can say NO, and walk away.

It hurts.

And that person never sees you when you aren’t getting a fix. They don’t know what you’re like when you’re strung out and not getting what you need. Oh but people can vouch. I’m addicted to a lot of people. Like Red. When she went to DC I nearly killed Staples. Poor Poor Staples. *spaces for a few minutes*

And I mean, there’s nothing you can do, you can’t get help for something like that. Cheeze and crackers. If I told my therapist that i thought i was addicted to people (in a non-sucking their blood sense) she’d probably send me off to the looney bin.

How un-helpful.

And my kidneys hurt, for some reason. *shrugs* i’m sure i’ll understand in the morning.

I was discussing with Marco how people have been irreversibly screwed up through televsion and the media. I mean, you see Orlando Bloom so much and then you sorta start to want to… like… marry him, or possibly screw him, or something. And back in the day, that didn’t happen. You knew like five people your age and of the opposite sex. They were your choice for sexual fantasies, or whatever. I’m not even sure people back in the day HAD sexual fantasies. *shrugs* But see, no one talked about it. I mean, if you thought keeping up with the Jones’ was hard in the fifties, try knowing about their sex life and THEN keep up with them. *sighs* Sure, sharing is caring, but for the love of God, keep something to yourself.

I mean i don’t NEED to know the last time Angelina Jolie had sex, and with who… and it’s her right to share, but i dont’ like to hear about it. Besides that, I’ve seen more of her body than I have of my own, and i’m DAMN sure i didn’t want to.

this is the blessing of the television. I know these things because of it. Entertainment rules our lives, and we want to think that we own it, and that we’re it’s master, but in all honesty, we’re our Id’s bitch at this point in time. It says “I want to Get laid, NOW” and so we do who ever is near by. Think i’m lying? I’m not. My Id has tried it, tried to pull stuff like that on me. I’m just… over active thought pattern.

How else could i live and be so pure? Ah yes, the thinking… a curse… and sometimes a blessing. How I hate thee thinking.

Oh, Yeah, did i tell you? i’m a closet Britney spears fan. I hate myself….

Derringer Meryl [Something…. uninhibited] Out

is it possible to be unearthly tired and energized beyond all belief, at the same time? The way I feel right now, that’s it. Like all I want to do is sleep, and probably never EVER wake up, but it’s like… i’m going insane. I’m just… so tired, that I can’t sleep. And i can’t say i hate it. I got my pillow cases done, and I did the dishes, scrubbed the rug in the living room, wrote a preface to my book, and cataloged some of my poetry… not to mention wrote a huge email to Marco about how … oh, nevermind.

i’m just like … i don’t know. I imagine this is how a meth-addict feels … like … wired all the time. Like someone stuck your hand on a live power line and you’re just jitterin’ until it stops, and you don’t know when that’s going to be.

*sighs* If ever.

I decided the Journal that Red gave to me is dedicated to Eliza story ideas. I wrote the beginning to my story in there…. it’s obviously going to need to be done, and re-done, and done again… and what not….

AHA! I knew i wasn’t crazy. There is a song by a group called “Cracker” and the song is Low. I’m SO happy! Cause i mean, sure i’m a little crazy, but pshaw, i’m not crazy enough to make up a whole song in my head.

Right?

Of course. Anyway. I have to do something more now, I”m thinking about scrubbing the shower, or maybe I should read a fan fiction… i think it’s because i can’t bite my nails… I tried to even lick my fingers off today at lunch at Red’s house (she’s leaving for college this week :'() and got a mouth full of nasty fingernail polish…. stupid fingernails.

Right. So I’m going to.. .uh, Go read or something now, anything to make me not so…..

Antsy

Derringer Meryl [I wrote her off for the tenth] Out

I love those people who love to tell you ‘Money is the root of all that kills’ they have never been poor, they have never had the joy of a welfare Christmas

Yeah, I have to agree, money sucks the big one. I mean it. I have none. I mean I have the total of eighty-bucks to my name. That’s it. I’m sorta glad I ended up with like three shifts this week at work, but it sorta makes a person tired. makes em want to do something with their friends–

and when their friends– well. Screw talking in metaphors. I feel like hanging out with my friends. But like the freak I am, I don’t want to call them. *rolls her eyes* In general– i want to do stuff, but see, stuff takes money– money I don’t have, or should be saving for college. Every cent i have from NOW until January 12 has to be saved. Every Last one. I’m SO Friggin’ serious. My presents will probably consist of IOU slips reading “I owe you One damn nice present.”

And I”ll have to print a bunch of them. To Monkey, Red, Mum, Dad, my sibs, and the lot. (I mean, you gots to get the sibs rugrats soemthing. Maybe a razor to chew on, jolly good idea!) *smirks* I’m sure I’ll be ending up spending any time I’m not whoring myself on state street, making this year’s presents. *laughs to herself*

Holders for your pot ALL AROUND! Yeah, right. You can’t make something out of nothing– luckily my mom stockpiled a whole crap load of fabric in our basement. Sure some of it may be from the early seventies, but hey, that stuff doesn’t go bad, right?

*nods* well, anyway, every scrap of money I’m going to see for a long time is going to the college. Sad, isn’t it? I’m going to be paying monkey’s wages! *laughs to herself* right, so that wasn’t that funny. *shrugs* whatever.

Red went on a date with this miswashed cretin who gave her flowers. Roses I think she said. Makes me want to gag. Just shows I couldnt find a normal nice romantic guy if he kicked me in the gut. (That is, if he found me…. i’m too scary for a sensitive guy like that to stick around too long.) I’m like some sort of insane cancer to guys. they run. Alot. and the ones who don’t– well they’re just scary. I’m serious, and that coming from someone who considers herself scary… is a statement.

Take the guy who I took to Senior Ball. First off — it was a mistake. I had a dress and the guys I wanted to go with couldn’t go because they were working– or one of them was [monkey] and the other one decided to eat my heart en flambe and so— *shudders* I went with Staples. Yes, his online diary nickname is staples. I got it from my boss, because his whole family knows this guy by the name staples… it’s a story in and of itself. Anyway, we went– and i had a horrid time. It was like taking my brother to the last dance of the year, and ….blah. it sucked ALOT!!! *grumbles* I mean, sure, it looked [to the average bear] that i was on a date. Me, I was out to a dance with Red, and our dates– were disgusting in every sense of the term.

Blah. Only if Monkey Could have taken me. …. i might have had a good time. *shudders at the memories*

Anyway– this guy is still interested. Immensely, and once again Monkey is my savior by lying to him and telling him that we’re still going out. (Were we ever? *shrugs* This is out of it Staples is.) Anyway, It defers him, happily for me. And so *shrugs* i’m happy and safe from the scary pick up lines of staples.

Now. the confusing thing (and for the first time in a while, It’s not monkey i’m confused about) it’s Gert. For those of you who are unawares– Gert is my manager, and a man. Sure, his online nickname may portray otherwise, but it was the easiest thing I could come up with– considering it’s almost his initials.

From Near January on– Gert has confused me to NO end. And part of me is almost tempted to quit just to see what he’d do if I did. Monkey is always trying to convince me that there is nothing to the inner workings of the male mind– but considering the fact that there are no inner workings to mine… it’s complicated to understand anything.

*shrugs* I’m going to have Eighties shoulders if I keep shrugging like this. Oh well.

Lets wrap this up in a summary: Money SUCKS, Red found a keeper…. sorta, guys are only clingy to me when they’re nutz, and My boss confuses me– Mixed signals SUCK!!!

I thought i’d add that in.

Derringer Meryl [when our lips first met] Out

What can I say, i’m a funny girl.

After spending a while on my feet (four hours, and i hurt … mostly in my arm joints, go figure that one) i’ve had alittle while to think. And if there’s one thing I know, it’s this:

Ben and Jerry’s DOES NOT Belong in a freezer! It’s meant to be eaten and enjoyed…. instead Monkey left it at work. (oops! on his part)

Along with that I’ve also realized that…. well, I don’t enjoy liking two people at once, and i also don’t particularly enjoy people who buy something, return it, buy something with the return money, and return that, and buy another new game…. all in the matter of like three hours. Go figure.

I took my collages to work, I wanted to show Friendjamin, but he didn’t work today. *frown* And My mom forgot to call the doctor so I can get rid of my friendly friends on my foot. (waves to her warts) I hate them, they are SO embarrassing. *growls* anyway.

There isn’t much to say, Marco doesn’t work today, and I’m exhausted, but happy–

Silent Hill 3 comes out tomorrow. More crazy stab-y death fun! Wahoo! (No, actually for once in my life, i’m serious.)

If you’ve come over here looking for a response to Red’s meandering thought pattern on my mother– Well…. I love my mum. I don’t know why she doesn’t love Red– but I think my mom thinks she’s just protecting me. *shrugs* I don’t live in her brain, so that’s just a guess.

Derringer Meryl [You should go and get the B&J] Out