Undone

Don’t you ever get tired of being brave? Putting on that happy smile face for the entire world. The Grin that just makes you feel like you should be hoping for peace on earth, not wanting to blow it to smithereens?

The smile that feels like it’s been pasted on your face for the benefit of some jackass who doesn’t care how you’re feeling really, he just wants to ooze you for every last cent. He is always looking for some loop hole to get through, some easy way to make some money.

Some lie to tell one girl, and lie again, so no one can trace him

Or God, could it be worse? the truth? The truth that someone is actually doing something besides homework this weekend. Someone is having a good time. Good God forbid….

He doesn’t read anymore, no time. It’s amazing how people run out of time. How I seem to find no time to do things i don’t like either. No time to figure out how he thinks, because all it does it make me unhappy because i know i never cross his mind EVER. Because why should i? Why should he think about me, or anything dealing with me? God. I can’t even walk into my bedroom without thinking about him. I have pictures, a stuffed animal– the entire scent of the room. God.

I hate myself for the things i do. If I could just stop thinking. stop moving, and just BE, maybe i’d have a decent chance at anything.

Red says How can i expect him to want to be more when we weren’t even much of anything except acquaintances before we … God. There isn’t even a we. Before he and I dated. Once. Dated. Past tense. So I can’t expect a whole lot.

I understand that. Part of my brain fully registers that. I see that.

But why do i forget it all when i think about him? good grief.

Screw this. I’m embarrassed at saying any of it.

Dido, White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,

I’ll tell you that.

But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it

where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder

Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and

destruction to come back again

And I caused but nothing but trouble

I understand if you can’t talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”

then I’m sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet

Which I’m sure we will

All that was then

Will be there still

I’ll let it pass

And hold my tongue

And you will think

That I’ve moved on….

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

One of my favorite songs at the moment. Don’t search for the CD it isn’t out yet.

Derringer Meryl [waiting for death to greet me] Out

I have thoughts like this running through my mind as my parents send me off to college to get married. Can you believe they’re paying Next to five hundred dollars so i can learn, and get married, or at least find a potential husband, because the man of my dreams certainly must be waiting with in the community college…

*blinks* Lets not go into that. Makes my chest sorta hurt, and images fly through my mind like i’m going to die or something.

THen i go to institute, which is like… Church school. I learn about my church. i’m sure i sound thrilled, really, but it isn’t so bad. the teachers are nice, and very funny, and then there’s the reason i’m there:

to find someone to marry, which is sorta hard when everyone there is like going with a date. Like Johnny and Suzy. Okay, so i don’t really know anyone named that, or anything, but it gets a little annoying when you’re sitting in class and everyone is holding hands with someone except you…. and your brother. ew. Anyway.

I’m just tired. I’m tired of being dragged here and there, and everywhere, when my heart rests in an invisible little grove full of dead trees. I’m sappy. And gross. I hate myself for it, but people don’t have much choice in this kind of thing, they just fall. Ya know? *laughs to herself* I’m sadly… in a sad place with people. i can’t do much about it. Not everyone deserves hate,

and i can’t fall out of…. these emotions without hating. And the person, doesn’t deserve my hate, or anyones hate, or malice, or even a smidgen of bad feelings.

He deserves everything to go right in his life. And if i could do that for him I would. In a heart beat. I would change everything to suit him.

and if someone else makes him happy, then i can deal with that– because he would be happy. I just…. I want him to be happy. Really.

Derringer Meryl [dripping with sap] Out

Yeah. So, Um. Yeah.

Can I add a new stressor to my list, one that makes my sides twitch, and my stomach tie in knots, and make me feel like barfing….

Get new friends

It’s been explained to me that my friends won’t get me to heaven, but i figure God wants me to be happy,and i don’t know how being sad in the short run of life, will make me happier there. *shrugs* I plan on keeping Red, Marco, Staples, Monkey, J-bob, Gert, and whoever else might fall under the “not going to get me to heaven” friends title, as great friends, because they are. Sure, sometimes they hurt me, and sometimes I hurt them. Intentionally, unintentionally, in the end it’s all the same. It’s hurt. *looks down* Sure, maybe i should try and find a clientele of friends who don’t smoke and drink– but i thought God didn’t hate us, but the sin, and isn’t it more Godlike to love someone despite the sin?

I thought so.

Anyway. I’m going to Halo fun tomorrow, or whatever we happen to play. I want to be there, because i love my guys, despite what anyone says. And those who say, say I don’t have to get rid of my friends forever, dont’ have to toss them out with tomorrow’s trash, I just need to find more, who are running my way. I guess that makes sense, right? I wouldn’t say my set of friends is running the opposite direction, but i would say they’re standing on the side sorta… heckling. Basically, they want me to make friends who are progressing forward. I’m just not sure if I want to be progressing forward too. I mean, yeah sure, eventually, but right now? I mean forward for me consists of marriage, and babies. And that makes me eep a little bit. Wouldn’t it make you..?

If it doesn’t, check your pants. You’re probably a guy, or much older than me. *shrugs* Anyway, I have to attempt to register for classes at the institute again. I’m sorta scared to go. It’s one of those forward things. A grown up thing. I don’t know if I’m ready…. I’m not even sure if i’m ready to be graduated yet, and it’s a little late for that, isn’t it?

Derringer Meryl [nerve wracked] Out

*rubs her head*

It’s fairly late, if you can’t see from above… i mean it’s not the latest i’ve ever been awake, that’s for sure, but i guess the tired-ness feels different–

weary. Definately weary. Like the all over exhaustion…. like you just want to sleep… forever, because you aren’t sure you can take one more day like this….. One more day of smiling when it hurts inside, of saying that it doesn’t, and the pressure that people put on you.

And I have to say, all i want to do is escape from it all, and i can’t. it seems no matter where i go, i carry this weight with me. a sadness without words.

and it makes me feel gross inside that part of my brain is trying to say it’s monkey’s fault. I know i’ve been screwed up longer than that. the disgusting way i feel is me. It’s how i feel. all the time…. except when i’m with him. i guess that’s it. i’m just

a little unwell? no. well, yeah… but seriously– thinking that way sorta scares me, so i can’t imagine what it does to other people, like monkey for example…

i guess the deal is, i only know how i feel, and in the end, that’s what i see in other people … i think, if they are feeling any where near the same as me– about me, i wonder why they stay. Is it some kind of car accident, where you should look away, but you can’t? I don’t know.

*shakes her head* sorry. just a rough time right now. college pressures, my medication going bye-bye, and Red leaving for college, need to get a new job before my parents nag my head off, and something new just seems to add to the pile each week.

i’ve been uberstressed. I’ve been putting the bad vibes where they don’t belong…. *frowns and looks down* I’m Really Sorry Monkey.

Derringer Meryl [sink or swim] Out

The mouth is a unique part of the body. Its amazing how as a child we use it to explore things around us, and …. how even when we do not know how to ‘effectively’ communicate with others, it still works wonders.

Now at the age of eighteen, i wonder how to make it stop. For some unknown reason I spew all of my thoughts without even knowing it…. Like i black out and the mouth has control of my body and it says…. whatever it WANTS TO!

That leads us to the my thoughts on the Id. The Id sucks ass. and for some reason, my ego and super ego are no longer doing anything, it’s like they went on vacation!

and see, that may not seem like a dangerous thing ever, but people tell me stuff, I know stuff about myself, that i can’t seem to keep in. Random people who dont’ care about me whatsoever know things about me that others dont’, and they probably shouldn’t.

and Yeah. I mean, there’s a guy that works with Marco… I think his name is Sean, or something, but, he knows just as much about me as Marco does now. I think. Well pretty damn close.

Anyway. My mum says I can’t hang overnight at Red’s anymore. i think I’m old enough to make my own damn choices. I mean– if i want to hang at my friends house, with MY Friends, it’s my deal. Me. My choice. Red doesn’t control me, anything she’s mad about was my IDEA, I pushed it. Me.

Hello! Is there a world of ME in the choices i make. Maybe I am self involved. But HELL! Who isn’t? *Mumbles* Mum says I have no conscience… maybe it’s because i’ve never been in a situation scary enough to have to make a choice. Every thing is premade, already done, and I’m never faced with anything hard.

Sure, there’s the whole “Should I go to college, or not and get thrown out?” thing…. but no one in this house has the motzaballs to throw me out.

I just want to get AWAY! Because i can’t stand it here anymore. >_<;; I’m just so tired of all the running around and the chasing….

and OMG If I hear ONE More thing about me going to the singles ward so I can find a FINE upstanding Young man. . . .

I don’t want the Seminary President. I don’t want a guy who is going to smother me for the rest of my life with verses, and parables.

I want a guy who loves God, Like me, and loves me.

because i find that more important than if he went on a mission or not…. because i’m a sap who believes that true love will triumph over most anything… excluding infidelity.

Derringer Meryl [starry-eyed] Out