Undone

*rubs her head*

It’s fairly late, if you can’t see from above… i mean it’s not the latest i’ve ever been awake, that’s for sure, but i guess the tired-ness feels different–

weary. Definately weary. Like the all over exhaustion…. like you just want to sleep… forever, because you aren’t sure you can take one more day like this….. One more day of smiling when it hurts inside, of saying that it doesn’t, and the pressure that people put on you.

And I have to say, all i want to do is escape from it all, and i can’t. it seems no matter where i go, i carry this weight with me. a sadness without words.

and it makes me feel gross inside that part of my brain is trying to say it’s monkey’s fault. I know i’ve been screwed up longer than that. the disgusting way i feel is me. It’s how i feel. all the time…. except when i’m with him. i guess that’s it. i’m just

a little unwell? no. well, yeah… but seriously– thinking that way sorta scares me, so i can’t imagine what it does to other people, like monkey for example…

i guess the deal is, i only know how i feel, and in the end, that’s what i see in other people … i think, if they are feeling any where near the same as me– about me, i wonder why they stay. Is it some kind of car accident, where you should look away, but you can’t? I don’t know.

*shakes her head* sorry. just a rough time right now. college pressures, my medication going bye-bye, and Red leaving for college, need to get a new job before my parents nag my head off, and something new just seems to add to the pile each week.

i’ve been uberstressed. I’ve been putting the bad vibes where they don’t belong…. *frowns and looks down* I’m Really Sorry Monkey.

Derringer Meryl [sink or swim] Out