Undone

Don’t you ever get tired of being brave? Putting on that happy smile face for the entire world. The Grin that just makes you feel like you should be hoping for peace on earth, not wanting to blow it to smithereens?

The smile that feels like it’s been pasted on your face for the benefit of some jackass who doesn’t care how you’re feeling really, he just wants to ooze you for every last cent. He is always looking for some loop hole to get through, some easy way to make some money.

Some lie to tell one girl, and lie again, so no one can trace him

Or God, could it be worse? the truth? The truth that someone is actually doing something besides homework this weekend. Someone is having a good time. Good God forbid….

He doesn’t read anymore, no time. It’s amazing how people run out of time. How I seem to find no time to do things i don’t like either. No time to figure out how he thinks, because all it does it make me unhappy because i know i never cross his mind EVER. Because why should i? Why should he think about me, or anything dealing with me? God. I can’t even walk into my bedroom without thinking about him. I have pictures, a stuffed animal– the entire scent of the room. God.

I hate myself for the things i do. If I could just stop thinking. stop moving, and just BE, maybe i’d have a decent chance at anything.

Red says How can i expect him to want to be more when we weren’t even much of anything except acquaintances before we … God. There isn’t even a we. Before he and I dated. Once. Dated. Past tense. So I can’t expect a whole lot.

I understand that. Part of my brain fully registers that. I see that.

But why do i forget it all when i think about him? good grief.

Screw this. I’m embarrassed at saying any of it.

Dido, White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,

I’ll tell you that.

But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it

where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder

Or return to where we were

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and

destruction to come back again

And I caused but nothing but trouble

I understand if you can’t talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”

then I’m sure that that makes sense

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet

Which I’m sure we will

All that was then

Will be there still

I’ll let it pass

And hold my tongue

And you will think

That I’ve moved on….

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

Well I will go down with this ship

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I’m in love and always will be

One of my favorite songs at the moment. Don’t search for the CD it isn’t out yet.

Derringer Meryl [waiting for death to greet me] Out