Undone

Usually the time immediately following a disneyland trip is… a downer.
Let’s face it, you just did something SUPER fun and now you’re going back to the grind and it is just kind of… depressing. Plus it’s february and Mother nature said “Oh hey, yeah, I forgot that it’s supposed to be winter!” and has started to dump a lot of snow around these parts. I was hoping to get away Scott free. (haha)

I guess the point I’m getting to here is that this time of year gets to me. There could be a lot of reasons. There are reasons I feel like I’m holding my breath like something bad is going to happen. There are reasons that I feel like Hiding in a closet until spring has sprung (may anyone? maybe june the way things are going?!)  Overall, people seem tense. Like If I had a million dollars I’d buy the world a massage (but you’ll have to spring for any happy endings yourself. I’m not that kind of girl.) so that we can all take a collective deep breath. People just always seem to find a reason to argue about something. It’s a mother huggin’ election year so– there’s that. Which (in addition to anything else you could argue about passionately, i despise) I hate. I hate politics, I hate discussing religion with people (even with people within my own faith) I hate talking about abortion, health care and a myriad of other other junk (LIKE MOTHER HUGGIN CELL PHONES, who the flip cares?!)
Contention (even in healthy debates or whatever you want to call them) makes me anxious. They make me feel like you’re being bated into an argument that you can’t win. Badgered and beaten into submission of glazing over and agreeing to escape like a verbal possum defense. I cannot ABIDE arguments. Which is weird since I do get into them, sometimes often with my trainees at work. I am a pretty chill person since I can’t take arguments really, or confrontation … but I will argue. Especially when I feel like i’m in the right. Shouting, or raising of voices aren’t to be done, Sarcasm is ok, most of the time, except for when people use it to mock you. General sarcasm (like talking to a lamp let’s say…) is much better than mocking someone directly to belittle them.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

These are a few of my most unfavorite things.

and it seems like this week is full of them. People taking things the wrong way ( all over, me included) and then you can’t undo what you did, because it’s the internet. And the things you say LIVE FOREVER in people’s minds, and on the waybackmachine. Tweets and facebook status’/comments can’t be undone. People remember, people hold on to it.

I agree there is a wealth, nay, a glut of OVER information. Who cares if someone got a coke zero and is having an ok day. SERIOUSLY. is that important?! For that matter, I don’t need to know that Newt Gingrich had an open marriage or whatever. I think I knew he was pretty scummy before that. Thanks though. I don’t want to know who anyone is sleeping with or what Mitt Romney (and what the hug kind of name is Mitt anyway?!) thinks about LDS baptisms for the dead, or that we apparently need to convince Stephenie Meyers to write her last book.

I DO NOT CARE. My brain filter is tired. My body is tired. It’s late. And I can’t take it.

PS: If anyone reads this and cares… My husband is awesome. he’s sweet and loving. He pretty much one handedly takes care of our kids and home. He took care of our kids on vacation like pro, without complaining ever. Helped with our friends kids, with a smile and ease. He is generous and has a big heart. Sometimes he has a big mouth (dare I say it? When he sees something that he doesn’t like, he has to say something) but I lov ehim for it. He also knows when to keep quiet. He is supportive, and I love him.

Derringer Meryl

I sure as hell nothing major happens tomorrow, and if it does, i can edit this post.

Last year I wanted to accomplish in 2011:

Debt Debt debt. I will pay off RC willey, however I will incur new debt in fixing the roof. I hope to have that paid off this year too! Well, I think I incurred more debt than paid off, but we are always doing our best to work towards it.
Find happiness in my life. – I believe so. I feel that my life has taken many turns for the better this year. Many happy things have happened, and I feel like I have gained a peace that has alluded me for some time.
Keep my house in order – Uh. Yes? I would say I have my house hold duties more in hand now than I have before. But I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination.
Grow Closer to the Lord – I feel like I accomplished this. I have attended the temple more frequently and regained my temple recommend ( renewed it pdq if ya know what I mean)
Cook more – Yes! I did a lot more home cooking, and while a long with my house being in order,  I am not perfect, I feel like planning my meals out and finding more crockpot friendly recipes has been useful!
Attend a Concert (Out of the blue right?) – Yes! My dearest brother took me to a concert. I must text him and remind him he did that instead of getting me a present. 😉 We had a great time, and quickly realized we’re getting too old for that stuff, haha.
Finish some quilts – Well, I did two this year, Scott’s quilt and my robot quilt. I have two on the back burner still, and a third that is burning in my brain– I will need Sukie’s assistance.

New goals:

More church attendance: WE still stink at this! I will set the meager goal of at least twice a month. (SAD!) All of us, in the chapel, butts in pew.

More Temple attendance. I would like to go at least once a month.

I would like to accomplish ONE goal on my bucket list

(I will make this easier) Pay off more debt than we incur. Last year we were bad, This year we will be SO good. So very very good.

Potty train Audrey (SHE BETTER!) At least give it a go.

(I will wish for this every year) Become a SAHM. Even if it is the last day of the year. i will still work for this goal every day.

Monthly Date nights with Scott (even if it is dinner at home and netflix or recorded TV) MONTHLY!

Double the word count in my book (legitimately, no typing OK or banana 25k times)

2011 Recap:

Got a new job. pretty much straight out of the gate, I started working at BH. Love it, btw.

Finished the Yoshi quilt (PRIDE!)

Got moved to Chats at work (love it!)

7 years Married to Scott. (I love you Scott. you’re my hunny bunny)

became insanely obsessed with portal Toying with a portal quilt idea

Got off of sunday’s at work

Went through the Temple with Scribbles

Got promoted at work (Level 2)

Scribbles got Married 😀

Went to see Joco and TMBG with Dax

Got promoted to trainer at work 😀

Merry Christmas

happy birthday

and a happy new year 😉

Derringer Meryl  [Don’t hate me for forgetting you, I’m tired] Out

you’ve trapped me again. I’m trapped inside of my head as I try to scratch and claw and tell you… tell you the truth. i wish i could show you. Replay the memories that i’ve locked away. replaying again and again, at night as i try to sleep. I see shadows… figments… shades; haunting me.

I wish i could pour out my regret.  poke a hole in my soul and let it drain and seep out. freeing me of it’s weight. of the disappointment. Instead I keep it all inside, letting it drag and weigh me down. distorting me, warping my heart.

stretching me out

wearing me out.  I push the weight of my choices onto my back. I hunch, I strain, I pull.

I stretch as I try to work this into something I can use, a lesson, a path, something important, and lovely. A way back.

I’m trying to reform what remains. I”m trying to show you, the best that I can

that I can be more.

I think it’s important to note, that I’m no Economical genius, but it seems that we’ve upset the economical circle of life, There are always going to be Oprah’s and Bill Gates’ and Steve Jobs’ who have a lot of money, but the middle class is disappearing. We are all becoming lower middle class. The wages we are being paid don’t cover the expenses we have. and it all feels like we’re downing in our own debt. Some people might say rightfully so. I know people who have been out of jobs for YEARS. Not for fun, Not because they are too picky about where they work, because everywhere they try to apply is saturated with applicants. People are “over qualified” or don’t have enough experience, and so only a select few can be hired.

I feel fortunate to never have been laid off, or out of a job. If I leave it’s because I choose to leave. Scott has been laid off, and it was the worst way EVER to wake up in the morning. the worst. We are fortunate that he found a job, and quickly with his current (and my current) employer. They treat us right, and are growing exponentally. We love it! We are lucky.

I am not an economic genius, but it doesn’t take much to see that the money that is supposed to be “trickling down” is NOT trickling at all. Statistically, the rich are getting richer. Should we punish them? No. Being successful at your job isn’t your “fault” per say. It’s not something to fault you for. Should you be forced to keep your income in the economic pool via taxes, yes.

Imagine, somehow, all of the fish in a stream were horded into a holding pen somewhere. Not allowed to swim around as they normally do… Everything that depends on the fish– is being punished, and could wither and die. Which is why in nature most animals don’t just eat one thing. They eat a variety of things. But economically, you pretty much just have cash. Moolah. You can have it in stocks, bonds, 401k, savings, checking, CD… blah blahblah. you can shape it and fold it any way you want, but it’s still money. it’s what we all need. It’s why we work, to get money to pay for bills, for vacations,f or clothes for food! Money makes the world go. There are people who are hoarding it. If a person is holding onto the majority of the nations wealth, it is detrimental to the economy. Sure we can print more money, but that just devalues it. There is only SO much money in the world, and the people who aren’t passing it on the way it is supposed to, are dicks.

Bam

Derringer Meryl [Sleepy time] Out

Not really con. haha, He did it as an early birthday present, which I TOTALLY appreciated. It was nice to go. Really nice. despite both of us being DOG tired by the end of the night. I am not used to standing that long anymore. BLEH! He’s a super awesome brother, for coming with me, and listening to me talk his ear off!!

We went together and saw They Might Be Giants and the Absolutely Amazing Jonathan Coulton. I didn’t recognize most of the They Might be Giants stuff, but when you consider I was 2 when their first CD came out, I figure that’s ok. They sang Birdhouse in your Soul, and a few other songs I liked. I adored JoCo. I do. He’s lyrically funny. I told Scott the concert was like living backwards. All the songs I learned and loved as an adult with JoCo and all the songs I learned, and the voices from y childhood with TMBG. It was a great time. I learned some new songs. I loved hanging with Dax. I did my best to not go all emo, or be the annoying girl who screeched too much (she was behind me, unfortunately)

Check out JoCo You’ll find at least one song that makes you laugh. I guarentee it. He’s awesome.

Here’s to doing something you want, and checking off ONE goal from your list 😉
Derringer Meryl [But I”m way too smart for you] out