Undone

I think everyone has bad days. When you burst into tears because of an All American Rejects in the car– you should probably be seeking help.

Probably.

Music helps people through a lot of things, takes their mind off the pain, helps them get in touch with their emotions, helps them see another point of view, and once in a while, helps you shake your booty for an hour or two. Who couldn’t use the exercise? In a mentally well person, is there a thing as too much exercise? I doubt it.

So as I sit here listening to “Move Along” I find that the emotions it evokes, the times in my life it reminds me of are still, too personal and secret to share. I listen to this song when I’m down. It helps me remember to be UP. That being said, it still makes me sad, just a little, as it reminds me a little that I am too broken of a person to reach out to people when I am depressed. I went through a dynamic change in my life last year (2010) that broke me.

I feel fortunate enough to say that as broken as I felt, and I still feel, from the experience I also found it VERY inspiring. I feel blessed, not necessarily in a spiritual way take it as you please, that I have the ability to see the bright side of a lot of things. I have the capability to get a crap sandwich and say “Thank Goodness i got this crap sandwich, it makes me happy for the good food I normally get a chance to eat” On the flip side though, I can see the dark and unpleasantness of a lot of things as well. Especially within myself.

So, I sit and I listen to this song, and It reminds me of my social inability to reach out to others. Even when those who are closest to me, Or who I percieved as being closest to me, were in their time of need, I withdrew. I feel like it’s something I’m paying for now. But I have a belief in living with your mistakes. Also, I still have that crippling social ineptness that prevents me… from being out there. I am not afraid of what might happen…

… I am exhausted. From trying, and thinking two or three steps ahead, trying to make up for how broken I am. It’s not something I could medicate for, the anxiety (the need to plan steps ahead, compulsively) is something I could medicate for. Instead, I have withdrawn. I hope no one takes any particular offense to this. I … have no excuse. I may end up dying lonely and sad, or maybe I’ll die with my closest friends morning the loss. Who knows. But I can’t control it. I can’t FORCE people to love me despite the fact that I am afraid of the rejection of calling you to say hello. Maybe so much subconciously that the thought does not even occur that NORMAL people do that. Normal people ask each other how their days were, and joke and laugh.

Dear friends, I am not normal. I am crippled emotionally. It is a good day when I can leave my house and go the whole day without hating myself. Please know that I do truly love you, despite my inability to be any sort of normal, and I am sorry if I ever gave you the impression otherwise. I will try to be there for you.

Won’t you be there for me?

Derringer Meryl [Someday a post won’t be a bring down] Out

before getting emotional, I just need to be exhausted. Maybe that’s those drunk people’s issue too? Anyway. I watched Glee tonight (Ep Asian F) and it made me cry.  Esp. Fix you at the end of it. Where Will Schuster and Ms. Pilsbury are praying together, because her parents emotionally traumatized her into fearing germs of people who are different, and she has essentially relapsed heavily in her OCD. It’s bad. I hope she gets back to Therapy. Which feels weird to say of a fictional character. But isn’t that the point that any good story does? Draws you into the characters, and makes you love them so much that you want to see them get better?

Anyway, I absolutely and always have adored the song “Fix You” by coldplay. It was released in Sept 2005 on Coldplay’s X&Y album. I was pretty depressed that year, and can recall feeling like my life was probably the worst it had ever been. I can heartily say that I am still (and probably always will be) recovering from 2005.

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

It just speaks so heavily of things that everyone can relate to. “When you lose something you cannot replace” Like a father, a friend, a baby, innocence, love, joy, spirituality, faith, a sense of self. There are a million things that the thing you lost could be. The interesting thing is, to me this song is not one person to another. It’s not a boyfriend singing it to his girlfriend (or visa versa) or husband to wife. It is one person. One person singing it themself.

It’s no secret that I don’t consider myself overly mentally well. I’m obviously not completely batshit crazy (sorry mom) but I am … lost in all of the things in the world. Adrift in the politics, the economics, the parenting, and work. I am a self contained capsule of self hatred and loathing. No matter what anyone else says, no matter how people interact with me, I will only see the bad. I will only see the people that detract from me.I will only long for the approval of the people who are indifferent of me. I will love the people who pass up the opportunity to be in my life, and be tortured in silence when they decide to embrace someone else instead.

My heart will break when I realize I have been harboring a deep dislike for someone who did not hold the blame as I had once thought. I will hold myself personally responsible for the failings of others.

I should be stronger. I should not care what other people think. I shouldn’t care if other people don’t love me. I should pick myself up and live the life I have.

Maybe someday

I can fix you.

Derringer Meryl [passion] out

Have you ever thought that? I have people in my life that I feel are almost giving me flat tires…. If you don’t know what a flat tire is, it’s when someone walks so closely behind you that they accidentally pull your shoe off from stepping on it. usually happens a lot with flip flops.

I just.. I know I can do things well if I can just have a little space. JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE SPACE!

Anyway. I have finally started tying my robot quilt. I hear the cries of “TYING! WTH!” but at the same time, I just want it done. so… Yeah. I used high Loft batting. I love love love fluffy quilts. Got it on sale, so bonus. Then I just have Kate’s quilt, and then I have one other on a super back burner. It’s a non issue.

Then, I hope to have an Accuquilt GO to do some Dye cutting with (oh  baby!) and then do my Portal quilt. That I dream about nightly. Ok not really. But I do think about it a lot.

I am working on my book. I think about it. and pet the ideas I have in my head. I am writing some Physically in journals I have. Scott was super DUPER sweet and got me some composition books. They were like $0.40, but what does the price matter when he was being supportive. I really appreciate it. I’m scared to let him read it some day, but… hopefully he’ll like it. And hopefully some day I’ll publish it. And make money with it. It’s a dream. and a bit far fetched. But… Hope springs eternal.

Happy day.

Work is worky. I am trying. Did I mention a promotion? If not, I have now. It’s good.  We have been ill. It is not good. I feel like with the season change, or maybe it’s this time of year. I am feeling kind of bummed. Just… Down a little? Having problems with my sleep cycle. We’ll see how it works out. It’s funny, how stressed a person can be, doing nothing, and do a lot of something, and still be very stressed out.

Derringer Meryl [something something] Out

Before we start: When I say Christmas, I don’t mean “Jesus’s Birthday” or “Santa Present day” In specific. I mean the time of year. Not a religious connotation necessarily, and I don’t mean necessarily not. When I say it, infer what you will. But overtly, the following discussion is NOT about religion.

I don’t have anything against Christmas, so that’s not what I mean by beef. I simply couldn’t think of any other way to say it. I have Christmas Issues, but they are not all bad. I love that time of year, even though my love of it turns me into a raging hosebeast. I think though, IMO starting Thanksgiving day on, It is a magical time of year. And despite life sucking just as much at that time of year as it does any OTHER time of year, it’s SO much fun, to lose yourself in the magic of Christmas. It can be hard to f ind it as an adult, but if I can, and sometimes I can’t. I hold on like It’s the last gold nugget in all of freakin california.

Life isn’t always magical, but you can make Christmas Magical (I’m sure the same can be said of Hanukkah and other Winter time activities) There are lights strung in trees and on houses. And instead of thinking “God they are so tacky” You think it’s beautiful, and delightful.

Also. I am a tradition hound. I suppose though it could be read a lot of different ways. I will once again let you infer what you will. I love to celebrate the holidays and traditions are important to me. I like the repetition and the social climate…. though this year I better get me on some mood altering drugs, because i have been an outright brat this year. I feel bratty. Anyway…

Lately though, in all. I have been on top of Christmas stuff, and other things I just feel like saying “Eh whatever” to. Even I, the most annoying of little sisters, get tired of pestering people and asking and coordinating. At my age, I have discovered that after many years of being in charge, if someone else wants it done, they can do it their own damn selves. Sure it would be nice to do, but if it’s important to them, it will happen. I think though, for many years that’s what I’ve been afraid of. That I am not important enough to people. That somehow that it means people don’t love me. Maybe I’m secure enough to say, it doesn’t matter if you don’t love me, or maybe I’m mature enough to say “I know you love me anyway.” Either way, I’m a little less into pushing… sometimes.

Wouldn’t you try to recapture the innocence of childhood, even if it were for just a night, or a moment.

Sometimes I get grumpy. REALLY STUPID grumpy. And the matter of the fact is, I shouldn’t be upset that people in my life aren’t taking me out and saying “Come hang out with me” The matter of the fact is, who says I need to wait around for them?:P I’ll do what I want, and I don’t need any super fancy invite. My mom used to tell me that when people draw a circle around them to leave me out, to draw a circle around them to bring them in. And as nice as that sentiment is, I think I’m going to draw a circle to keep me in. I’m tired of gettin’ worn out and busted up tired and sad from trying to get people to want to be in my life.

You don’t want to be here? That’s just damn fine with me. When you decide to come back, that’s just damn fine too. Have a good time enjoying your life, and I’ll have a good time enjoying mine. Maybe you’ll have time for me in the next life.

Derringer Meryl [Truth] Out