Undone

I changed my mind….

From what to what?

I’m sure you’ll all breathe a sigh of relief that I’m not going to dye my hair…. yet. I looked in the mirror last night and I felt gorgeous, and I thought… “I can’t dye my hair when I look like this.” Mostly because while I felt beautiful and relaxed, i also thought “I’m TOO big to dye my hair funky colors” if I’m going to do it I’m going to be skinny and sassy.

So Look for crazy hair about 20 minutes after I lose 80 lbs. haha. I’m trying, again. Every day, every meal, I make a choice about my diet. It’s not a “I’ll do it tomorrow thing” it’s a continuous effort of “SHould I eat this? Should I be eating this much?” I”ll just have to keep trying.

Derringer Meryl [Hair] Out

As a teenager, and even as a young newly wed, I hated Lotion. I thought it was SUCH a HUGE waste of money and time. I didn’t get it. why lotion yourself up and smell gross, etc etc? Not to mention be greased up like a roman wrestler. GEEZE. As a mom though, I walked into Bath and Body works and saw a pair of socks, they smelled like vanilla and they were infused with cashmere lotion. I am a SOCK person, so I slapped them on my feet (obviously after buying them, and all my tense-ness seemed to float away. Oh and I bought a tiny bottle of their new upcoming lotion (Dark Kiss) which smelled delicious.

I went home and relaxed. Feeling pampered for a cool $15, cheaper than a pedicure and faster than a day out, I felt like i mattered and I relaxed a little. I’ve gone back several times since, and bought stuff to plug into my walls to help me forget that i am not a stellar house keeper, and several tiny bottles of shower gel to let me choose what delicious scent I’ll smell like that day. I have a bottle of lotion at my desk at work that I rub on about 50 million times a day, because it’s a nice nervous habit. I found a new and fabulous way to keep myself up. And while I don’t plan on spending  6 million dollars there, i could VERY easily. Why? because sometimes a girl just needs to smell pretty and feel pretty, even if it is just some lotion you plaster on over the fact that you didn’t get to shower that day because you overslept because your toddler was up all night puking and your infant rubbed boogers on your pillow and now they’re tangled in your hair. Essentially, sometimes you need to feel like a woman and not just a mom. I appreciate that feeling! To me, it’s worth the $10-$20 for the feeling of femininity that it brings on. delicate, light and sexy, now If i could just find a scent that makes me feel like i’m a size 8, I’ll be in heaven.

Derringer Meryl [Love BBW] Out

….Good Idea, bad Idea.

Good Idea: maintaining your personality and relationships after having children.

Bad Idea: Going F’ing crazy and dying your hair a funky color.

Or is it?

anyway. Found a dress. Any and all hair dying exploits are currently not happening, there’s a wedding in two weeks that I should at least have my hair look good for. 🙂

Derringer meryl [Adventures in Bleach] Out

still no dress,

hating the lateness of the evening

late nights are my enemy with depression. I wallow. I’m trying to stay better. to feel better.

this year (pardon my french) is shit. I hate it. I hate how I’m falling apart all the time. I hate how lonely I feel. I hate how it’s all my fault. it’s hard to be up when you feel so down. I haven’t given up yet. Have a long to do list. after discussing things, I am calling my therapist, and working things out… I don’t think I’ll go back as often. I do still need help.

I wish i could just magically feel better. I wish I could just let go of all the things about myself I hate. I wish i could truely see what others thought of me.

I wish i could be free of the prison I’ve placed myself in. I wish i could reach out to someone. I’m too scared of what they’d think of me.

here i am. trapped inside my own head, with too much to do, and too little time.

derringer meryl [trapped] out

With my thoughts of a 30 day optimism challenge, my job decided, “Why don’t I make things interesting” and I have never been this busy at a job, EVER. I seriously mean it. I have had back to back calls, yes. Undoubtedly. I’ve experienced that almost my whole call center career (haha, career) but when it’s slow, I’m busier than when I have calls. Following up on forms, closing out cases, calling people back, etc etc. It’s BUSY. I am open to close jam packed busy. (for that matter, i don’t think I even had time for an afternoon break) In any case, Busy busy busy. THEN i had some lady rip me a new one, and after 6 years in the biz, you’d think I’d be fine with that. I’ve had single moms tell me their sob stories about how I was stealing food out of their kid’s mouths, I’ve had old people tell me that I was robbing them. There are stories from my jobs that STILL haunt me, and have made me bitter against our government and the way they treat our Veterans, etc. I should probably let go….

In any case, she ripped me a new one, and for the first time in a long time (since 2007) my job made me cry.Don’t get me wrong. I have cried at work, A LOT. I was pregnant at work, and cried A LOT, so there you go. But crying nonsensically about work issues, haven’t done that in a while. It wasn’t that she got to me, it was that she made me feel like I was bad at my job. And damnit, I’m pretty fabulous for being there only 4 weeks or so. She can eat it, because it turned out to be HER fault not ours.

Anyway, I have been continuously debating whether I should go back to therapy. I say to myself “Was it helping?” and the answer was “Yes” but then i ask “was it creating more problems?” and the answer is also yes. So it leaves me in a dilemma. Should I seek help again somewhere else? Should I just stop all together? Should I just go back to the same therapist. Messy. Annoying. STRESSFUL.

I like to think that I’m a person who has their head on straight, and is thinking clearly, but the truth is, not always. I try to fact check as much as possible. I like to talk to other people to make sure I’m not… fabricating things.

I know I tend to err on the side of the dramatic. I’m not trying to make a fuss, drama is me. It’s how I feel. it’s in my heart, in my head. It makes me broken.

Derringer Meryl {uh oh, it’s getting late} out