Undone

I think it just must be heavy news week or month, or something.

I think I might have a problem. I dont’ want anyone to have a heart attack, or anything…. Cause I’m healthy, and i’m not pregnant (so no worries on that front) and Yeah, i’m still living in my in-law’s basement. It kinda deals with that… in a way.

I think I have problems eating. *Waits for the laughter to die down* I mean, I don’t think I’m anorexic (Cause I sure as heck don’t look like Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen) and I know I’m not bulemic because I don’t throw up– but I still think my eating isnt’ healthy. I’m just gonna lay it out like it is.

I go for long periods of time not eating. Fairly long periods of time. Like entire days. I’d like to say it’s because of depression or something like that– but honestly life isn’t that bad. Sadly, and sickly, it’s a fairly concious thing for me. I don’t fit into any of my clothes anymore. I find myself disgusting to look at. My Face and neck are getting fatter and I can’t stand it.

I can’t stand myself.

Derringer Meryl [feeling stupid and moronic] Out

2004-08-12 – 6:50 p.m.

I have to do this, because, I guess, it’s kinda part of a healing process for me, If I didn’t do it on here, I’d have to dig out an old journal and do it… *sighs* So I’m doing it here.

Today was Marci’s funeral. It was odd. Before the funeral, I felt fine. No tears, and only the apprehension that i’d end up stepping on someone’s toes with my large mouth. (so I kept it shut.) We walked in to find a display of everything Marci, and a very touching slide show. I immediately burst into tears. One of the first few pictures I saw was of Marci, Kristianne and I. Presumably from before The Specialist and Antigone’s wedding. (I think so, *shrugs*) My face was kinda hidden– So maybe it wasn’t me. Maybe I was just wishing it was. Wishing I had been a better friend to Marci.

We went to the chapel and sat down. I didn’t know the viewing was still going on, and I had no clue that The Specialist and Antigone were anywhere around. I wasn’t really thinking well at the moment. (still not really thinking too well.) Wudan and Sukie came and told us to go see them in the Relief Society room. Scott and I didn’t get to say anything to them, I felt kinda like we intruded on a moment just for family. That’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. How could I have been closer to Marci? Heck, how can I be closer to my entire family, and friends? I admire how Sukie and Wudan rushed to help her family and comfort them.

I wanted to give Kristianne a big hug and tell her I love her so much…. But didn’t. I don’t know why I’m so silly like that. I’m just… so silly. I hope someone tells her that. That I love her very much. I wish, at times like this, I was closer to home to be of some use. To comfort.

Like I said, I didn’t get to talk to Either Antigone or The Specialist. But The Specialist did walk past me, and I squoze his hand. I wish I could have convayed everything I wanted to have said at that moment. That I love him very much, no matter what. That I wish I could be a bigger part of his life now, that I miss him so much, and I was sorry for their loss. Too bad a hand squeeze doesn’t do that.

I wanted to Hug Marci’s whole family, and say something deep and meaningful that would help them feel better. I didn’t for fear that anything I might have said would be trite and possibly offensive.

Scott and I opted not to go to the interment. I didn’t feel it was really mine, or Scott’s, place. I hope The Specialist and Antigone understand why.

I wish I was clever. I wish I knew what words to say to make even a moment better. I wish I was eloquent and made you understand how I feel in this.

But I’m not. And all i can say is I miss her. I miss her smile. I miss how good she made me feel about being me.

I just do.

Derringer Meryl [tissue bonanza] Out

I have this panic thing. Scott isn’t home yet. And he’s not answering his phone. I’ve always been pretty concerned about Scott and him being a driver at work, but since these goings on this past week or so, I’ve been more on edge.

*sighs*

I heard of a new book today. It seems interesting. I mean, don’t really need it, because it’s a dating book, and a guide to understanding why men are the way they are… (that might be useful) It’s more useful to the dating girl, than the married one. It’s called “He’s Just Not That Into You : The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys” By Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. I heard about it on the late late show with Greg Kilborn. I don’t normally watch it, but I was getting tired of watching 3rd rock from the sun. *shrugs*

Scott’s on his way home now. 🙂

Anyway. I think this book is good. From a married point of view, and a past dater of (ranging) non interested to very interested men, it’s a great idea for a book. 🙂 Cause honestly, I think Most women know that a guy isn’t interested when he doesn’t call or write, or stay up to IM. *nods* there is a line between “busy and I forgot” and “I’m avoiding you but don’t want to say it”

Like Greg Behrendt says: “Oh sure, they say they’re busy. They say that they didn’t have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. All lies. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don’t even mean to. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.”

😉 Then, there’s the text messages saying they’re coming home to you… those are pretty sweet. 😉

Derringer Meryl [Happy To Have Him Home] Out

Scott and I bought our bed, should be delievered soon.

I’m exhausted… I have the worse case of allergies ever…. well except that one time in Junior high where It felt like two tons of itching powder had been dumped down my throat. That kinda hurt too. This is just runny nose and sneezing and feeling like i’ve had the crap beat out of you…. It’s not so fun.

Scott and I found out this morning that Nintendo is no longer going to support HDTV and progressive scan. Most of you are wondering “Did they ever?” and the answer is yes, if you had an extra thirty bucks lounging about. We apparently did, and our Gamecube Component cables are on their way. *sighs*

I feel so very exhausted. Just all the time. I’d really like ot lay down and sleep for a while, but I can’t because A)have to wait for delievery guy, and B)no where to lay down at. Couch is covered in sheets and stuff. :S

Update: (11:38AM)

The bed is huge. The end

Derringer Meryl [Sleepy girl] Out

I’m pretty– helpless?

Unreasonable, Unlogical, and Different.

So before I start this new entry and new week of posting, I’d like to note, that I’m still sad that Marci died. I miss her. I’m worried about Kristianne…

But I don’t want to focus on it. So I’m not going to.

*coughs*

Scott and I are getting a new mattress today. I’m pretty freaking excited. The one we have now, is from when Scott was like, thirteen, and it smells … ewll… foul. and kinda like a thirteen year old boy. *shudders* Okay. SO yeah, i”m pretty thrilled about that though.

I got a call from convergys today. I thought they were going to say that I was some sort of closet drug addict and that they weren’t going to hire me because of that, but Nope… they just wanted to know about what time of day I wanted to start working at…. Ten to 12, naturally. Like I’d actually wake up early. Early is for… early people.

Right.

Whelp, I can’t think of much more to say– except the hicks over yonder are hacking on our Internet cables. As in literally chopping htem up, so …if you don’t hear from me– that’s why.

Derringer Meryl [Silly Hicks] out