Undone

Today, My Dog died. It sucks. She was pretty sick. I won’t go into the details, simply because… well, it’s really really gross. We got our dogs when I was… *thinks* Around nine I guess? I don’t know. She was in a lot of pain though… so I’m okay with it.

I’ve been really sick the past few days. Saturday until today… I”m still not feeling too great. My ear feels all clogged. my head hurts really bad. My throat is sore, my nose is running like all get out.

I want to sleep, really bad. I woke up at six am this morning. Haven’t gotten more than a half hour at a time since. *sighs* I want to sleep. I want nyquil. I want to drug myself into a sweet slumber.

Alas, there is no more nyquil, or dayquil for that matter. I considered calling mom to bring me some, but I figured that I was married now, and i should just deal with the fact that I have no money right now. *sighs*

My car isnt’ finished. Scott’s dad checked wiht the STUPID mechanic, and he hasn’t even started working on it yet. STUPID guy. I hate him so bad. It’s been over a week, and he hasn’t done jack.

What a jerk.

Derringer Meryl [In Lots of Pain] Out

I think… I think no one really understands what it’s like to be a newly wed until you experience it.

Call me a cocky Teenager, but I thought things would work out better than this for Scott and I.

It’s hard. Being a newlywed is hard. Leaving my old job, is hard. Katy asked today why I was leaving– and I told her, that it was just time for me to go. (Instead of my natural reaction to tell her that she was screwing me over) It is. It’s time to put childish things away. Scott and I are trying to deal with these things as much as we can.

The people haven’t called back about our financing for the car yet. I start my new job in about a week. We have bills, and the threat of Bankruptcy looming over our heads. It feels like this basement sucks us back in every time we try to leave. In the darkness here– I find comfort knowing that God lives, and that I’m going to learn something from this annoyance. I turn my music on, and I listen, hoping to hear something that’s going to inspire me.

Something that’s going to keep me going. Keep me from being even more exhausted than I am at this moment. Someday, the laundry will be done. Someday, The bed will be made. someday, we won’t live here anymore. Someday, i’ll feel better.

Someday, we’ll look at this and laugh.

Someday, things will be okay.

Derringer Meryl [Right?] Out

I was talking yesterday to both The Specialist and Mom about Siblings.

I have to admit, I’m constantly analyzing other siblings to see if I’m closer to them or not as close… etc. I think I have an okay relationship to the lot of them… Dax and I know each other the best, that’s for sure. But I love them all, and I would like to say first, that I’m not moving back to my Home Valley. I’m not. We’re not. So don’t ask. Don’t suggest. Cause it’s not happening. *sighs* That said.

I wish I was closer with you all. I wish we had all spent more time together when we could have. I guess this feeling is possibly just me, because i have the “i’m the only girl” syndrome where no matter what i’m left out. *sighs*

I wish that I could have gotten to know The Specialist better and Wudan. I wish I could spend time with them and hang out.

I don’tknow. *shrugs* I guess, all in all, what i’m trying to say… Is that i miss you guys. I miss walking through Smiths and The Specialist wrapping his arm around me saying “You know I love you Baby” and me saying “I know, I know” I miss dancing in the kitchen with Wudan. We were gonna take dance lessons. Heh. I miss playing Video games with Dax, and hanging out at the mall. He’s the only person I know who spends about the same time as me looking at stuff. I miss Tango dancing with The Specialist. It was never serious, but it was always funny. I miss playing our own made up role playing games that he Specialist put together. I remember that Wudan killed me when I ran through a school house. I remember Christmas shopping in the Lancer together. I remember eating Ben and Jerry’s with The Specialist the night before he got married to Antigone, while we played video games.

I want to do it all again.

Derringer Meryl [Missing Things] Out

At this moment, i’d like to express my affection for Drag Queens.

I love Drag Queens. *blinks* Heck, I love Gay people. They happen to be some great people. Just because I don’t particularly see why the feel the way the feel, doesn’t mean i have to hate them.

I know one thing is for sure. God doesn’t hate them. So neither should i.

The End.

Derringer Meryl {Connie and Carla} Out

general ramblings abound.

First, i got a car. I’ve decided to name it Vash (after Vash in Trigun, which is where my SN comes from too) He’s a good little car, and while he broke last night, I dn’t blame him, i blame the freaking construction on I-15, Which knocked his radiator drain plug out, and made him loose all of his radiator fluid.

Nice eh?

Luckily Scott’s friend is a whiz with cars and came and rescued us! YAY FOR THE KINDNESS OF FRIENDS! Two other nice people helped us by lending their phones and pushing our tiny Vash to the side. Thank you nice peoples!

On another completely different note I’d like to delve into examining why I hate therapists so much.

Because you can do their entire profession with seemingly a “Choose your own adventure book” They never ask good probing questions. And it’s always “Why” and a bunch of head bobbing. Only a few of my problems were worked out at therapy, and honestly that was how easy I was walked on by people. Now i”m not so much. I’m glad that’s fixed, but honestly, Scott is so much better when it comes to working past psychological problems out.

I had a problem. An issue. Something I was holding on to. I couldn’t understand why. Scott told me That I wanted to keep it for some reason. Wanted to keep feeling the pain and the fear that I felt then, over and over again. He didn’t let me just go to bed when I got tired. He didn’t say “Oh, our hour is up, it’s time for you to go” Sure, he asked WHY, but when I said “I don’t know” he wouldn’t let that fly. He pressed me, that YES, I did know. I sat there and thought about it. I thought about it a lot. Finally, after such a long time of feeling this– pain and hurt, betrayal…

I realized, that I love to be angry. I loved to be angry about it. I loved feeling the pain and blaming someone. I enjoyed being angry at people, being upset that things were never resolved in my mind. I felt powerful. I felt in control.

And suddenly, I felt was disgusted with that mentality. (Over time I’ve come to realize that I have a lot of disgusting mental thoughts) I was sickened by that part of me. But I felt better knowing it was there, understanding more completely, so I could finally let go.

Maybe some people out there have a therapist like that. Maybe they have someone who pushes them to discover themselves. Good. I’m glad. Because when I had a therapist, I felt like i was hiring a proverbial hooker. Paying for a whore. Someone to listen to me for an hour, just ramble. Not about anything in particular. I’d sit down on the soft couch, and she’d say “How are things” and I’d start off, and she’d try and recall the characters from my life. I found it disgusting. I felt like it was a waste of money… and the tip off came after she told me to loose a friend. Just stop being their friend because of my feelings and my emotions and my problems.

And that’s the day i said no more. I didn’t schedule a new appointment. I tapered off my medication– and I was done.

Derringer Meryl [I don’t want to go back] Out