Undone

It’s Wednesday, and I haven’t been writing like i should be and I haven’t Lyric Spewed, and i Haven’t told you about all the exciting exciting-ness of college life (okay so not that exciting, but, what can I do?)

I’m spending four or so hours a day at school, and I have to say, it’s not as bad as i thought it would be. I’m still ready to go home at the end of the day. Except for today, today i left my lights on in my car for the four or so hours i was in school, and couldn’t leave until an hour there after. mou.

Andy Serkis, if you don’t know who he is, you’re banned from this blog for now and forever, is in town tonight signing books and the like. I wish I was there standing in line just so i could say “HI, I’m a geek, can you sign this?” It would have been so much fun… 🙂 But that is because i’m a geek, and i love everything that has to do with LoTR.

But i’m not going to see Andy. I’m staying at home, and well… i should be studying, but i’ll do that on friday I think, my day off. 🙂 Cause i’m lazy, and what not. *yawns* I’m so tired, it’s not even funny. I just want to go to sleep, but a friend of mine is coming over and so… I’m trying to stay awake….

oH and lyric spew, right 1000 Words, Koda Kumi?

I know that you’re hiding things

Using gentle words to shelter me

Your words were like a dream

But dreams could never fool me

Not that easily

I acted so distant then

Didn’t say goodbye before you left

But I was listening

You’ll fight your battles far from me

Far too easily

“Save your tears cause I’ll come back”

I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door

But still I swore

To hide the pain when I turn back the pages

Shouting might have been the answer

What if I’d cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart

But now I’m not afraid to say what’s in my heart

Cause a thousand words

Call out through the ages

They’ll fly to you

Even though I can’t see I know they’re reaching you

Suspended on silver wings

Oh a thousand words

One thousand embraces

Will cradle you

Making all of your weary days seem far away

They’ll hold you forever

Oh a thousand words (a thousand words)

Have never been spoken (oh yeah)

They’ll fly to you

They’ll carry you home (carry you home) and back into my arms

Suspended on silver wings (on silver wings)

And a thousand words (ohh)

Call out through the ages (call through the ages)

They’ll cradle you (oh yeah)

Turn all of the lonely years to only days (only days)

They’ll hold you forever

Ohh…

A thousand words

Derringer Meryl [Going to go change] Out

First day of full time college. Weird. Can i say that? Of course I can, I just felt like asking…. for no reason. I didn’t run into Monkey, which I find slightly a good thing. I didn’t need any help making this day stressful…. (I’m going to add in here that Monkey is a great guy… I just… It’s a me thing when it comes to stress… not him.)

Mom wants me to join the on campus Anime club, which i’m totally for, Ya know… cause it’s anime, and i’m with a bunch of people who are as geeky about Anime as me. (I’m the uber geek, otherwise known as an Otaku. I own a LoTR Barbie, I think I fall into the Otaku catagory. I take Standee’s home from work and dissect them. I want to get a subscription to Newtype Magazine. I’m taking psychology just for fun. I write fanfiction. I make collages. I own five seasons of Buffy and One of Angel. I own two complete anime series, and portions of several others. I convinced my mom to buy a magnetic poetry calander….. I have a toy collection that rivals my siblings’. I have a larger doll collection than most girls my age (I have one for every year i’ve been alive, and then some). I cosplay (Inu Yasha, Steve, and various other anime characters, oh, and Buffy)

Which makes me think of the time I cosplayed as Buffy. I was depressed…. uberly so. I don’t remember why. Maybe it was because every guy who is interested in me… *sighs* doesn’t REALLY know me. Who knows. But– to make me feel better, Red dressed me up pretty (like Buffy) and did my hair (like Buffy’s, only in my shade of brownish red) I had a sleeveless turtleneck on, and skirt, which I love to this day even though it’s at Red’s house, which was horrifically short. If it hadn’t been for the fact that Red told me every five seconds that I looked pretty, I would have ran away, and put on long pants. But when we got there, my friends (guy friend specifically) helped me feel better too. They complimented me on my outfit, and while i still felt uneasy, all it took was a glimpse of my ex to solidify any sort of emotion i had. I became confident and happy. Anything to look like i didn’t need him. *nods*

I was giddy. I still am at the thought. that was positively the most empowering outfit ever. Marco and Staples liked the outfit too. which is good…. always good. *smiles at the memory* one of the best nights of my high school life.

Derringer Meryl [dressing for the occasion] Out

“Any romantic feelings that were there, aren’t anymore. But still i’m driven insane. What does she have that I don’t? Is it her attitude? Is it her hair? Her body? I admit freely she’s much trimmer than me…. God. What is it about brown hair that makes someone stare right through you? And I wonder still now if we ever had anything. If it was anything. I shouldn’t. I know it. It’s stupid TO wonder. because the past doesn’t matter anymore. Especially not to you. You’ve already moved on….. It’s her eyes. I’m sure. Maybe not. Maybe it’s just a whole… package. And God, could she be more of a stark contrast to me. Not like black and white, cause someone might insinuate that one is better than the other… no. That’s not it. it’s like…. comparing yellow to blue. Both equally good colors, but… sometimes people just favor yellow over blue. How could you not? and there are so many people yelling at me to budge. To move. To go on. I’m not stopped. I’m moving… and contemplating what i’ve passed. Nothing is as simple as a date. I’ve spent too much time being hurt over stupid things to let the sweet things in life slip so quickly away from me. And you were the only thing that made me feel right…. in the longest time. Still…. if i could go … back. I would. I’d change things– but– not the outcome. I don’t regret that….

I regret telling you.”

*Claps for herself* That’s just a taste of my free thought writing. Isn’t it great? I enjoy writing it. It’s rather fun. *coughs* Oh. Right. You’re realizing that i’m not supposed to be at home RIGHT now, right? Well. I’m not feeling well… and so… yeah. I’m …. just…here. 🙂 At home. Writing free thought prose.

And I have a lyric spew, now, for once I do it on a Sunday. 🙂

Rapid Hope Loss, Dashboard Confessional

You’ve come to say you want it all,

but I can’t say I blame you now.

Sometimes you got to fall before you’re found out.

Thanks for waiting this long to show yourself,

Because now that I can see you,

I don’t think you’re worth a second glance.

So much for all the promises you’ve made.

It served well and now you’re gone

And they’re wasted on me.

So much for your enduring sense of charm.

It served well and now you’re gone

And it’s wasted on me.

You’ve come to say you want it all,

but I can’t say I blame you now.

Sometimes you got to fall before you’re found out.

Well thanks, thanks for waiting this long to show yourself, to show yourself

Because now that I can see you,

I don’t think you’re worth a second glance.

So much for all the promises you’ve made.

It served well and now you’re gone

And they’re wasted on me.

So much for your enduring sense of charm.

It served well and now you’re gone

And it’s wasted on me.

I guess that all you got is all you’re gonna get.

So much for, so much for…..

I guess that all you got is all you’re gonna get.

So much for, so much for…..

Do what you want, if that’s what you wish.

I can’t see…

You’ve got a sense…

You’ll find a way to make things right.

I guess that all you got is all you’re gonna get.

So much for, so much for….

I guess that all you got is all you’re gonna get.

So much for, so much for….

Derringer Meryl [Nothing is as it seems] Out

There was a little girl,

who had a little curl,

right in the middle of her forhead.

And when she was good,

she was very, very good,

But when she was bad

she was horrid!

What is horrid In your opinion. What’s a horrid act. I think it’s horrid that I like Eminem. Though The Specialist brings up an interesting point that he simply voices what everyone has thought once or twice in their life. “I hate my ex, I love my daughter, I hate my mom, I hate soinso”

i have to agree. Everyone does that. Cept in my case (at this point in life) i’d have to say it’d be I love my family more that my daughter, since i don’t have one. *nods*

Horrid: 2: innately offensive or repulsive: a : inspiring horror : SHOCKING b : inspiring disgust or loathing : NASTY

See, I find Hatred, a horrid action. If you’ve ever actually been inhibited by a deep abiding hatred for someone, you’d understand. It was like the obsession. IT was all i could think about. How much I hated him. How much i waited every moment for him to be in pain. When He was, I laughed. I laughed a lot. and i didn’t feel bad for it. Yeah. He was cruddy to me. He was cruddy boyfriend. He was horrible to me…. but all i did was kill myself slowly by hating him so much.

Yeah. I was dark. I hated life. I hated God. I hated every person who smiled, who laughed, who was happy…..

Then I got a little better.

And then– well. That’s for another day. Maybe not even for the blog. yeah.

Not for the blog.

Derringer Meryl [Inside my brain] Out

Sorry for the lack of… saying things. I say things, but recently they’ve been really short and choppy, and i’m sorry for that.

It’s really a bad habit, But i’m guessing frequent short updates are better than none at all, like some people have obviously become in favor of….. *smiles* Interesting. I have a debate Tourny tomorrow, so don’t expect me to actually…. update on here or anything.

I’m taking my dragon notebook, which i have now unofficially deemed my “random romantic/fanfiction thoughts” notebook, because honestly, it’s gonna be a month or two *cough, year, cough* before I actually get done with the notebook i’m using for my journal now. When i need to voice my thoughts i usually do it here, unless it’s something really volatile, and i just need to get it out, and not offend. *nods*

See, I’m a firm believer in the fact that sometimes people say, or even just think, things they don’t really mean. The prime example would have to be “I hate you (insert name here)” I know this from personal experience. I’ve only hated two people in my entire life. My first boyfriend, and Al Gore. (Al Gore is just a running joke, i don’t really hate him. I’m not politic-y enough to care.) Which i might add is why I should judge Impomptu tomorrow and not… uh– what ever it is that’s all politic involved. I don’t do that well. I’m a pop culture girl. Not Current Events girl.

Which might be why I’m more of a diva than anything. *smiles* I know more about biology than I do government, and I know more about the latest diets and their effects on the body than I do left wing beliefs. In fact, I’m not sure what left wing is. I’m sure The Specialist is ashamed, because he knows everything.

I’ve come to learn that everyone (but me, which makes me nobody…) knows stuff about government. See, the thing is, most people pretend to know stuff, and they make it up and sound really impressive. I, don’t. I can’t. I don’t know stuff to make up, and I’m not very good at lying. I joke, I can do sarcasm. I don’t lie. *shrugs* It’s a gift from God. I promise you in the long run, being lousy at lying, is a good thing. 🙂

Debate Tourny. I’m going to be better than all of those lousy judges I ever had. I hate them. THey all sucked. They all hated me, and i have no idea why. Though I can guess why, want to hear? I knew you did! I didn’t suck up, I didn’t dress like a slut, I didn’t try to appeal to their conservative ways– i went for the laughs. How could I not? So maybe they didn’t get my jokes, since they were in their thirties and fourties. So what? I had fun. I got a really nice thing to put on my College Apps…. and I was social. It was some kind of law. You pack fifteen or so kids on a bus, and they talk, and sometimes they fight. Most of the time they fight.

I can’t tell you the number of times I got called a bitch (with various words to accentuate it) but I can tell you that most of the time it was from my own team. I didn’t fit in there either. I was too religious. I was too strict. and I didn’t take a stand on politics. *shrugs* I’m liberal, I guess. I don’t know. If i knew, then i’d be informed, and I’m not, as we’ve already covered.

*nods* I’m going shopping/stalking with Sakura after the tourny is over though. So that makes me happy! Even though I don’t have any money, it’s still fun to window shop! 🙂

Anyway, i better go and sleep. 🙂

Derringer Meryl [Excited, oddly] Out