Undone

I’m a bit of a sinner, never a good enough saint, so here it is, the lyric spew of Halloween. Crush, Mandy Moore

You know everything that I’m afraid of

You do everything I wish I did

Everybody wants you everybody loves you

I know I should tell you how I feel

I wish everyone would disappear

Every time time you call me I’m too scared to be me

And I’m too shy to say

Ooh I got a crush on you

I hope you feel the way that I do

I get a rush

When I’m with you

Ooh I’ve got a crush on you

A crush on you

You know I’m the one that you can talk to

And sometimes you tell me things that I don’t want to know

I just want to hold you

And you say exactly how you feel about her

And I wonder could you ever think of me that way

Ooh I got a crush on you

I hope you feel the way that I do

I get a rush

When I’m with you

Ooh I’ve got a crush on you

A crush on you

Ooh I wish I could tell somebody

But there’s no one to talk to nobody knows

I’ve got a crush on you

A crush on you I got a crush

You say everything that no one says

But I feel everything that you’re afraid to feel

I will always want you I will always love you

I’ve got a crush

Okay, so i’m sad. I’m pathetic. I’m drowning. this song isn’t totally accurate for the situation, I’m going to break it down, verse by verse, okay?

You know everything that I’m afraid of / You do everything I wish I did / Everybody wants you everybody loves you

Basically, this says, you’re everything i wish i could be. You’re everything that i admire. it really is an amazing line. (forgive my typing, i have fake finger nails on for the holiday. 🙂 this person (she’s singing about) knows her so well, that it’s impossible to understand.

I know I should tell you how I feel / I wish everyone would disappear / Every time time you call me I’m too scared to be me / And I’m too shy to say….

The person really matters to her, and makes her feel nervous, so she can’t admit…. her feelings (pretty self explanatory.)

Ooh I got a crush on you / I hope you feel the way that I do / I get a rush / When I’m with you / Ooh I’ve got a crush on you / A crush on you

This is where it sorta splits. I don’t really have ROMANTIC feelings for this person. I do care. I do care a TON. I wish i could take back all of the horrid things i’ve done to put us in the situation we’re in now. I really blame myself for the lack of contact we have. I do get a rush when i’m with him. Not a sexual thing, i’ve discovered that now…. that there wasn’t much chemistry there that way…. but i miss the way i felt when i was with him. I could be natural, and he was always…. he was good about it. and i messed it up, nicely.

You know I’m the one that you can talk to / And sometimes you tell me things that I don’t want to know / I just want to hold you / And you say exactly how you feel about her / And I wonder could you ever think of me that way

He doesn’t talk to me …. about him. Just light chit chat. Work stuffs… and he doesn’t know it, but i can read him. i can see what he doesn’t say. i can see his feelings for other people. People i know i can never, ever, measure up to. I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, or witty enough. All i want is to be good enough….. good enough to be a friend again…. so we can spend time together. And it kills me every time i see him, because he has every right to act the way he does, to not want to come over and spend time with me…. to hate me. In fact, i wish he did hate me, so i at least could understand where i was with all of this.

Ooh I wish I could tell somebody / But there’s no one to talk to nobody knows / I’ve got a crush on you / A crush on you I got a crush

that’s crap, throw that line out, pretty much every one knows how i feel…. except the fact that i feel like a buge idiot for how i acted. How i act. I don’t hate him. I don’t love him (in a romantic sense) but i care. I care so much, and his lack of caring for me back, burns so deeply.

You say everything that no one says / But I feel everything that you’re afraid to feel / I will always want you I will always love you / I’ve got a crush

He says that things are okay, when i know the rest of the world would say they aren’t. I know they aren’t… but he always says it’s okay. And i do feel everything he’s afraid to feel, he’s afraid to care, i’m not sure why– but i care so much, and i guess it’s my burden… for the horrible stuff i did, to feel this way. This caring, and to be scorned. It’s my reward. Yeah, i’ll always want him, want to be near him, want to have his company… and i’ll always care…. and i have to learn to be okay with the lack of emotion from his side…. I have to be better than I am.

Derringer Meryl [So weak] Out

Meryl, what makes your problems so difficult?

They’re mine.

it’s that simple. everything in each one of our lives seems more and more difficult, because it’s us. we have intricate problems, with situations and rules and emotions, that someone else couldn’t possibly understand.

Like my situation with Gert. I’d give anything to be able to tell him how I feel. to be open, and flirty, and just… cute. ya know? I’d love to be able to act the way Artemis does around him, (they’re adorable, but completely platonic) I’d give anything to date him and to see if anything would actually work out between us. To see if I could even make him a better friend. I wish I could do that. But he’s my boss. (to which people say, so what?) that means I work with him on a routine basis. Which also means, the uber uncomfortable-ness of our situation would be extreme, if i said anything along the lines of “I really like you. Do you want to go out sometime?” and him saying “No” (as he is bound to do….) we would all feel, extremely odd, and i would loose my job. and then, nothing at all would be good about my life.

*Frowns*

Well. See, then there are phobias, and just– being neurotic, and wants and desires, and … everything. SO Complicated.

oh. and i’m never EVER ever going back to the mall. I’ll just go to the Software Etc, that’s it.

Derringer Meryl [Pistol Whipped] Out

Okay. I’m freaked. Officially, and irreversibly freaked OUT.

So I’m standing looking at the hello kitty stuff in the local Claire’s store (every mall has one, no joke) and I was just browsing…. and this guy, who was of average looks, starts to talk to me. He says he thinks I look nice. I say thank you, cause it’s polite to do so, but i’ve been freaked from the moment he says hi. He asks how old I am. I say that I”m eighteen. He asks again. I reaffirm that i’m eighteen. He says “Are you sure you’re not seventeen? Cause then i could get in trouble.” and i’m thinking “You only get in trouble if you have sex with a seventeen year old. Okay. I know where he’s at.” He asks if i want to hang out at his house, watch a few movies, and what not. I blink, and say No, at this point i’ve known him about two minutes, if that. he asks for my number and when we could hang out…. I say I have work, and couldn’t possibly do anything for the rest of the week. I have homework. I give him my number. I give him my name. I don’t know what the hell i was thinking. at all. my brain was gone, as i felt a little violated. I was shopping, and then switched automatically to defense. I have to. Think of what would have happened?

In any case, I have to go call my work, yeah… i told him where i work too. When I’m scared, i loose all presence of mind. But I need to go call and tell them that i need them to act like they don’t know who i am.

God. I’m scared.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “Geeze Meryl, some guy tried to pick up on you, and he seemed nice, and you really need to calm down. Nothing is wrong with a guy hitting on you.”

and that’s when I bust in and say:

You’re wrong. Very Very wrong. Just like it’s wrong for a guy to like me. To find me attractive, and to hit on me. That is all very very wrong. and I’m panicked, and i’m scared… and i’m constantly looking over my shoulder. I got an UBER bad vibe out of the situation. All of it. Bad. Just wrong. Maybe i’m overreacting…. Maybe I’m horrid for blowing the guy off, and all of that… but i’m scared. Horrified. Afraid to not have someone with me now. Not flattered, not warm and fuzzy, not any of that. I’m scared. I looked like shit. Like total crap when i was in that store. My hair wasn’t done, my make-up wasn’t done, and I don’t match.

I know what he was looking for.

A girl with weak self-esteem. He’s a predator, in the realest terms. A girl with weak/low self-esteem will give anything to a guy who shows interest. ANYTHING. I know. I used to be one of them. And … it’s a scary situation. Scary to know that guys like that are out there.

Even scarier to know I dated one of them.

and all i want right now, is someone to hold me and say “everything will be okay.” and keep me safe. I can’t entirely place it, but something about that guy terrified me.

Derringer Meryl [shaking in her boots] Out

I’m so silly. Cause… its time for a LYRIC SPEW!! I’m in love with this song, So deal with it. It’s like my favorite right after White Flag.

Hands Down, Dashboard Confessional

breathe in for luck

breathe in so deep

this air is blessed

you share with me

this night is wild

so calm and dull

these hearts they race

from self control

your legs are smooth

as they graze mine

we’re doing fine

we’re doing nothing at all.

my hopes are so high

that your kiss might kill me.

so won’t you kill me,

so i die happy.

my heart is yours

to fill or burst

or break or bury

or wear as jewelery,

which ever you prefer.

the words are hushed

lets not get busted,

just lay entwined here

undiscovered.

safe from the earth

and all the stupid questions…

“hey did you get some?”

man, that is so dumb.

stay quiet,

stay near,

stay close they can’t hear,

so we can get some.

my hopes are so high

that your kiss might kill me.

so won’t you kill me,

so i die happy.

my heart is yours

to fill or burst

or break or bury

or wear as jewelery,

which ever you prefer.

hands down this is the best day

i can ever remember,

i’ll always remember

the sound of the stereo,

the dim of the soft lights,

the scent of your hair

that you twirled in your fingers and

the time on the clock

when we realized

it’s so late

and the walk

that we shared together.

the street was wet

and the gate was locked

so i jumped it and

let you in and

you stood at the door

with your hands

on my waist

and you kissed me,

but you meant it

and i knew

that you meant it,

that you meant it,

that you meant it,

and i knew,

that you meant it,

that you meant it.

Derringer Meryl [wishing for moments] Out

I get the feeling that i should be in more dangerous situations.

I don’t know how many of you have had this opportunity, but if you haven’t, and you are in the position to do so, DO IT, cause it gives you the ultimate rush, EVER!

So Yeah, I mentioned before that I got into a car accident, and while it wasn’t too bad, the guys at work didn’t know that… I went to work , and I was buying my last DVD of Slayers and I mentioned to Gert that i had gotten into a car accident, and this concern filled his eyes, and face, and it was just so….

breath taking. Amazing, Beautiful, heart-warming, and just… something that I wish I could look at every day when I feel bad, or lonely.

Someone feeling honestly concerned for me…. for my welfare. Not because they have to, not because they’re my family or something–

but because he wanted to. And that– is a very… heart warming thing to me. Just another reason why I like him, i guess.

Only two more days until halloween. I’m going to do my nails (Not acryllic, especially after all the bad things i’ve found out about acryllic nails.) and i’m busy brainstorming what would make me look more fairy-like… (I have wings, and a couple of picks i’m going to put in my hair)

Anyway– I’m off to work on various websites

Derringer Meryl [HTML by hand, massochism] Out