Undone

Okay. I’m freaked. Officially, and irreversibly freaked OUT.

So I’m standing looking at the hello kitty stuff in the local Claire’s store (every mall has one, no joke) and I was just browsing…. and this guy, who was of average looks, starts to talk to me. He says he thinks I look nice. I say thank you, cause it’s polite to do so, but i’ve been freaked from the moment he says hi. He asks how old I am. I say that I”m eighteen. He asks again. I reaffirm that i’m eighteen. He says “Are you sure you’re not seventeen? Cause then i could get in trouble.” and i’m thinking “You only get in trouble if you have sex with a seventeen year old. Okay. I know where he’s at.” He asks if i want to hang out at his house, watch a few movies, and what not. I blink, and say No, at this point i’ve known him about two minutes, if that. he asks for my number and when we could hang out…. I say I have work, and couldn’t possibly do anything for the rest of the week. I have homework. I give him my number. I give him my name. I don’t know what the hell i was thinking. at all. my brain was gone, as i felt a little violated. I was shopping, and then switched automatically to defense. I have to. Think of what would have happened?

In any case, I have to go call my work, yeah… i told him where i work too. When I’m scared, i loose all presence of mind. But I need to go call and tell them that i need them to act like they don’t know who i am.

God. I’m scared.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “Geeze Meryl, some guy tried to pick up on you, and he seemed nice, and you really need to calm down. Nothing is wrong with a guy hitting on you.”

and that’s when I bust in and say:

You’re wrong. Very Very wrong. Just like it’s wrong for a guy to like me. To find me attractive, and to hit on me. That is all very very wrong. and I’m panicked, and i’m scared… and i’m constantly looking over my shoulder. I got an UBER bad vibe out of the situation. All of it. Bad. Just wrong. Maybe i’m overreacting…. Maybe I’m horrid for blowing the guy off, and all of that… but i’m scared. Horrified. Afraid to not have someone with me now. Not flattered, not warm and fuzzy, not any of that. I’m scared. I looked like shit. Like total crap when i was in that store. My hair wasn’t done, my make-up wasn’t done, and I don’t match.

I know what he was looking for.

A girl with weak self-esteem. He’s a predator, in the realest terms. A girl with weak/low self-esteem will give anything to a guy who shows interest. ANYTHING. I know. I used to be one of them. And … it’s a scary situation. Scary to know that guys like that are out there.

Even scarier to know I dated one of them.

and all i want right now, is someone to hold me and say “everything will be okay.” and keep me safe. I can’t entirely place it, but something about that guy terrified me.

Derringer Meryl [shaking in her boots] Out