Undone

I’m confused and hurting. I’m going to have to do what i hate to do. I’m going to take the last person on this earth who cares about me…. and I’m going to tell him off. I’m going to say NO. I’m going to send him packing–

and it’s going to hurt, badly. I’ll cry. Cause I hate to hurt people. When you care for people like i do, saying No to someone, it kills you a little inside. Every part of me wants to make everyone happy. Wants to make everything good, and happy, and clean, and — I guess i can’t do it by terms that are wrong… but it kills me. I die. I feel like i’m being more selfish than anything. I have this burden, of things… and it seems like… I want to make things better, but every time i try it simply crumbles beneath my fingers, and though my intentions are good…. nothing good comes from them.

I’m broken, i’m weak, i’m dirty, and i’m soiling each person’s life i come into contact with.

No one understands, no one … Not even Jesus seems to have been in this position before. How would I know what he’d do? It seems so… futile trying to live sometimes, trying to live right….

Adultery…. whether spiritual or physical, is a sin

God will you hold me accountable for the good intentions that turned so wrong? Will you support me while those who aren’t sinless cast their stones at me…? Will you save me as I fall deeper into a world that will take my soul and leave me to rot in hell alone? I only tried to be good, I tried to be charitable… and God help me, I did what I could to help someone in need, and — i didn’t expect what was to happen next, and i guess i still can’t say… but God will you save me? Save me from my good intentions gone so horribly wrong…. save me from myself, and all the things I’ve done against you? I don’t deserve it, but i can’t help but ask.

Hold my hand while I do what seems impossible.

I’ll have to do what i’ve dreaded. Kicking my legs from beneath me in a last attempt to save my soul…. And I have faith that God will keep me from falling on my face. No otherway to live.

Derringer Meryl [Each has their Cross to bear] Out

Okay. I’m freaked. Officially, and irreversibly freaked OUT.

So I’m standing looking at the hello kitty stuff in the local Claire’s store (every mall has one, no joke) and I was just browsing…. and this guy, who was of average looks, starts to talk to me. He says he thinks I look nice. I say thank you, cause it’s polite to do so, but i’ve been freaked from the moment he says hi. He asks how old I am. I say that I”m eighteen. He asks again. I reaffirm that i’m eighteen. He says “Are you sure you’re not seventeen? Cause then i could get in trouble.” and i’m thinking “You only get in trouble if you have sex with a seventeen year old. Okay. I know where he’s at.” He asks if i want to hang out at his house, watch a few movies, and what not. I blink, and say No, at this point i’ve known him about two minutes, if that. he asks for my number and when we could hang out…. I say I have work, and couldn’t possibly do anything for the rest of the week. I have homework. I give him my number. I give him my name. I don’t know what the hell i was thinking. at all. my brain was gone, as i felt a little violated. I was shopping, and then switched automatically to defense. I have to. Think of what would have happened?

In any case, I have to go call my work, yeah… i told him where i work too. When I’m scared, i loose all presence of mind. But I need to go call and tell them that i need them to act like they don’t know who i am.

God. I’m scared.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “Geeze Meryl, some guy tried to pick up on you, and he seemed nice, and you really need to calm down. Nothing is wrong with a guy hitting on you.”

and that’s when I bust in and say:

You’re wrong. Very Very wrong. Just like it’s wrong for a guy to like me. To find me attractive, and to hit on me. That is all very very wrong. and I’m panicked, and i’m scared… and i’m constantly looking over my shoulder. I got an UBER bad vibe out of the situation. All of it. Bad. Just wrong. Maybe i’m overreacting…. Maybe I’m horrid for blowing the guy off, and all of that… but i’m scared. Horrified. Afraid to not have someone with me now. Not flattered, not warm and fuzzy, not any of that. I’m scared. I looked like shit. Like total crap when i was in that store. My hair wasn’t done, my make-up wasn’t done, and I don’t match.

I know what he was looking for.

A girl with weak self-esteem. He’s a predator, in the realest terms. A girl with weak/low self-esteem will give anything to a guy who shows interest. ANYTHING. I know. I used to be one of them. And … it’s a scary situation. Scary to know that guys like that are out there.

Even scarier to know I dated one of them.

and all i want right now, is someone to hold me and say “everything will be okay.” and keep me safe. I can’t entirely place it, but something about that guy terrified me.

Derringer Meryl [shaking in her boots] Out