Undone

Right then– here I go, If you don’t like to read about any religion (if it isn’t yours or at all) I suggest you scoot. I’m having Religious dilemmas.

I love my church, God, Jesus, the whole bit. I’d write out a testimony, but that isn’t what this post is about. It’s about me… and despite the fact i’ve tried so hard to scrape every single memory of him from my brain…. HIM. I’m sure you remember. Blah. In any case, I’ve fallen again, and hard. Mostly due to my legal-ness now. It’s so hard for me to understand. I get that God wants all of his children to be happy (right, makes sense) and for me, being married will make me happy. And despite how obsessed and disgustingly sick this makes me, as far as i know right now, at this moment, I would not mind being married to HIM.

He’s not my same religion. My heart chose. and I hate it. I hate the fact that my heart is leading me someplace that I would love to go, but can’t. It’s like, there are two things that would make me happy (okay, makes sense) but they contradict each other.

Take my sadist obsession…. or being a massochist— strictly in contradiction to what I feel about the gospel. (BTW If you didn’t already know, I’m LDS…. dont’ think ill of them… Some of them are very happy people, and simply wish to extend that happiness to you. *shrugs*)

Anyway– I’m like the living contradiction girl. I love people, I think people are facinating, but I have social anxiety, I want to have a husband, but I’m afraid to date…..

I love a Catholic Boy, despite the fact that I’m LDS and can’t marry him the way I want to.

I dont’ even know what i’m talking about. I don’t even know if I want to marry him at all. But he takes my breath away and makes me feel real. Like the life i’m living isn’t just some day dream that is inside of someone’s head…. Real. Me.

It’s something new to me. I can feel every aspect of emotion– pain, love, it’s vibrant and glorious…

and i want it. I guess that’s why I want HIM so bad. Because he makes me alive inside.

I’m not sure if that’s romantic or really really scary. REALLY

Derringer Meryl [Living Again?] Out

You know, it started out like such a good week.

Great guy prospects all around. *nods* and it’s like a burn when i find out one a single friggin’ one worked out. nothing is making me feel better, and despite the fact i think drinking is disgusting and horribly wrong….

i’d like to get very pissed right now.

i know it won’t make me feel better, but i’ll forget for a little while, ya know? Like for those few hours i can be so drunk that i won’t have to worry about anything but not vomiting on my shoes….

sounds carefree to me.

and still i know it’ll hurt worse (both physically and mentally) in the morning. And it hurts–

because i could tell that he was lying. It’s like when someone can’t hide it– you can hear the pain in their voice because they’re lying, and they don’t want to– like they’re afraid….

and you can feel it. I think that’s what hurts the most, the fact that you can hear the lie…

and you want to tell them to shut the hell up, and stop making excuses, but then your realize that they’re only doing it to comfort you….

because they know what you do. What you feel is wrong. It’s sick, God hates you for loving him that way…. for wanting him to take you in your arms and hold you through the night– and nothing more.

And no one knows that he’s the only one you’ve really felt this for. That the fact that he’s lying kills you inside as the pain builds and builds until you want to die inside–

but you can’t– and they won’t let you.

Derringer Meryl [Sullen Longing] Out

I’m nervous.

To the point, to be exact, where my stomach is gurgling and gargling on a constant painful basis. I’m sure you’re wondering what i’m so nervous about…. Well i’m meeting this guy on tuesday, AND his parents all in one fell swoop. It’s like the major blind date from hell, and I have nothing I want to wear, does that make sense?

I have a closet full of clothes, wonderful clothes that are simply amazing to me– but I can’t wear any of them. This is a meeting two years in the works, and …..

I’m afraid that I’m not what he thinks I am, I’m not the beauty who is poetic and romantic– I’m not….

unfortunately in my writing [sometimes] i can appear this way The thing I am, is natural. Purely me, and simple that way. I’m not gorgeous, I’m not . . . . I’m poetic, but not when I speak– I sound like every other coarse person in the world. I’m scared, and I’m lonely… go figure. His parents already don’t like me, and … and…. i’m not the kind of girl he should like. I’m not dirty or sinful, but —

He deserves someone who wants to cook dinner just for him, and wear pearls and smile and say “Father Knows Best” I’m not that girl I never have been, but

I can’t say I lied, because… when i met him, it was the person I was. I was beautiful and honest and pure.

now– i’m a little dirty and tainted. *shrugs* I guess it’s the price you pay for living– the fact that your little white dress gets a little tainted, and dirty. I’m not sure which I liked better, not living and not being worthy, or living and not being worthy. It’s a painful thing… living, breathing… it’s annoying–

so is finding a good skirt to wear. I want to look pretty AND modest. That’s probably the most annoying thing. No one has longer skirts for me to wear. GRRRR!

Derringer Meryl [Neurotic Tendencies] Out

I don’t mean to scare you
not the intent i had
i didn’t mean to smear mascara
mixing it with tears
and blood

and i know i’m not all there
i don’t think i ever have been
but tell me truely
when i talk to you
do you want to run and hide?
I am so greatful,
for all you gave to me
that if you asked,
i’d do it all
even if it was to leave.

Sometimes i know i think too much, but– what if the people in my life are just putting up with me until — they can bear it– or until i leave, which ever comes first? What if i’m the most annoying person on the planet, and no one has the guts to tell me? I mean, maybe everyone in the world is just being… really really nice, and i haven’t even noticed it yet, like i’m one of those really naive people– *sighs* I hate thinking that way, and i know it makes me PARANOID but– does it make me OVERLY paranoid? Honestly, I ….

well let’s relate the following story. I sang for the first time in … three years last night. I was bad, I know it…. but everyone else was… I don’t know– it’s hard to explain. Like my english teacher, she didn’t tell me I did a good job [Mr. Covili did though] I think it’s just because i’ve tried all year to get her FETCHING approval about something, i’ve tried sucking up, being defiant, and EVERYTHING…. nothing. It’s like– A guy on “Single’s Ward” said: “Some comedians wouldn’t worry about the person that isn’t laughing at their jokes, but I take special care.” or something like that. I’m not worried about the people who are clapping, i’m worried about the people who are laughing, and those who aren’t clapping.

it makes me nervous, and agitated. And I have NO clue as to why.

Maybe it’s because I was the last child and i’m annoyed when i dont’ get my way? I think it’s something more than that, just that i would probably make a HUGE fool of myself for attention. Heck– I did it last night. *shrugs*

and it’s weird, because as soon as I get the attention, I don’t want it. It’s odd.

Derringer Meryl [writing fool] Out

So I have my AP tests tomorrow. I’m sure everyone who cares, is in …. antartica, but whatever.

I’m a little stressed, very VERY VERY unsure of myself. I’m scared. I can’t find ANY Tai Chi info on the net. *sighs* I need some help– and right now, I’d embrace my tiger, but I’m pretty sure it’s hiding from the AP tests too.

Last year I was nervous, admittedly, but my teacher believed in me. She said “You can do it!” and I believed her… and I did do it! I was so happy–

This year, I don’t feel that way, my teacher hardly ever tells us that she KNOWS we can do it. Her statements are… well shady and I’m not very sure of what i’m doing, or how i”m going to do it.

But I have to try. The $156 I paid to take it screams at me that i have to try. And I’m scared. Really Really scared.

And Now, I’m going to go watch Animal Farm, and Hope I learn something new. *sighs deeply* I can do it.

Right?

Derringer Meryl [Looking for Her Tiger] Out