Undone

I don’t mean to scare you
not the intent i had
i didn’t mean to smear mascara
mixing it with tears
and blood

and i know i’m not all there
i don’t think i ever have been
but tell me truely
when i talk to you
do you want to run and hide?
I am so greatful,
for all you gave to me
that if you asked,
i’d do it all
even if it was to leave.

Sometimes i know i think too much, but– what if the people in my life are just putting up with me until — they can bear it– or until i leave, which ever comes first? What if i’m the most annoying person on the planet, and no one has the guts to tell me? I mean, maybe everyone in the world is just being… really really nice, and i haven’t even noticed it yet, like i’m one of those really naive people– *sighs* I hate thinking that way, and i know it makes me PARANOID but– does it make me OVERLY paranoid? Honestly, I ….

well let’s relate the following story. I sang for the first time in … three years last night. I was bad, I know it…. but everyone else was… I don’t know– it’s hard to explain. Like my english teacher, she didn’t tell me I did a good job [Mr. Covili did though] I think it’s just because i’ve tried all year to get her FETCHING approval about something, i’ve tried sucking up, being defiant, and EVERYTHING…. nothing. It’s like– A guy on “Single’s Ward” said: “Some comedians wouldn’t worry about the person that isn’t laughing at their jokes, but I take special care.” or something like that. I’m not worried about the people who are clapping, i’m worried about the people who are laughing, and those who aren’t clapping.

it makes me nervous, and agitated. And I have NO clue as to why.

Maybe it’s because I was the last child and i’m annoyed when i dont’ get my way? I think it’s something more than that, just that i would probably make a HUGE fool of myself for attention. Heck– I did it last night. *shrugs*

and it’s weird, because as soon as I get the attention, I don’t want it. It’s odd.

Derringer Meryl [writing fool] Out