Undone

Confused, Confuzzled, and all around– dying inside.

I’m not sure if I’m upset for the right reasons. Afriend of mine got demoted at work, and …. i’m not upset because he got demoted so much as i am upset that I’m not getting his job.

It’s hard to explain.

He was weak, and …. i’m not even sure. He was making all these bad decisions, and …. it just seemed so fast…

and then he’s getting replaced. By some girl. The thought makes me angry because I don’t like girls, and i don’t like the idea that i’m getting passed over when i have two years of experience.

and i’m going to hear them out, going to see what they say, and If I don’t like it, i’m giving my two weeks. I hate to leave. It’s two years of my life, two years of precious memories, and I know they’ll fade…. but– God why does everything have to change at once. I need to move up, I have to go up, or I’ll never reach my goal. I’ll never work at Game Informer, and i”ll never own my own magazine……..

and I don’t know why everything is moving so fast now. I don’t know where I fit into it all.

but i’ll listen, and i’ll figure it out, and if i fit in on the outside, then it’s too damn bad, i’m gone. *sighs*

Derringer Meryl [fast movement] out

Today, I’ve decided to steal my entry from my brother and post the same lyrics as he did. It’s odd that we’re seven years apart, and going through the same thing. heh. It’s great.

right then, Lyrics are Damnit by Blink182 Enjoy 🙂

It’s alright to tell me what you think about me

I won’t try to argue or hold it against you

I know that you’re leaving you must have your reasons

The season is calling and your pictures are falling down

The steps that I retrace a sad look on your face

The timing and structure did you hear he fucked her?

A day late a buck short I’m writing the report

I’m losing and failing when I move I’m flailing now

And it’s happened once again

I’ll turn to a friend

Someone that understands

Sees through the master plan

But everybody’s gone

And I’ve been here for too long

To face this on my own

Well I guess this is growing up

Well I guess this is growing up

And maybe I’ll see you at a movie sneak preview

You’ll show up and walk by on the arm of that guy

And I’ll smile and you’ll wave we’ll pretend it’s okay

The charade it won’t last when he’s gone I won’t come back

And it’ll happen once again

You’ll turn to a friend

Someone that understands

And sees through the master plan

But everybody’s gone

And you’ve been there for too long

To face this on your own

Well I guess this is growing up

Well, I guess this is growing up [4x]

Well, I guess this is growing up

Derringer Meryl [I hate growing up] Out

Finally, twenty minutes later and I can’t even remember what I”m going to write about.

Eh. Let’s start at the beginning.

1-

Wiccas. Damnit I said wiccas. I went to read an EX friend of mine’s journal for the very first time (and last) and she’s all upset because I was ill when she was here. GOD, what?! Was I supposed to get together with all the germs in the fetching city and say “Oh By the way, Sally’s coming into town, I’d appreciate not getting sick!” And beyond that, no one knew what it was. They took like fifty ounces of blood and STILL didn’t know what it was. All I wanted was some peace and FRIGGIN’ quiet. Cheeze.

Not to mention I was angry at her ANYWAY for breaking EVERY rule my parents had in place. I mean gettin’ high, giving some jerk a blow job, and getting drunk. Great, I know how about you start to whore yourself out? And then she expects me to be all caring and shit when her life goes down the drain. I told her, I TOLD HER that those choices would end her up in bad places.

WHY DIDN’T SHE LISTEN TO ME???

I don’t know, but now she’s a wicca. I’m not scared of her, for the basic reason of if she even did have something of mine to torture me with, I have no emotional connection to her, and the person whom she may or may not be attempting majiks on no longer exists. I’m not the door mat who says it’ll be okay. I didn’t want to abandon her, but I simply couldn’t carry her dead weight any longer.

One night I had a wondrous dream,

One set of footprints there were seen,

The footprints of my precious Lord,

But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,

And I asked the Lord, “What have we here?”

Those prints are large and round and neat,

“But Lord, they are too big for feet.”

“My child,” He said in somber tones,

“For miles I carried you alone.

I challenged you to walk in faith,

But you refused and made me wait.”

“You disobeyed, you would not grow,

The walk of faith, you would not know,

So I got tired, I got fed up,

And there I dropped you on your butt.”

“Because in life, there comes a time,

When one must fight, and one must climb,

When one must rise and take a stand,

Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”

~Author Unknown~

God, she was like the poster child for this poem. I couldn’t stand to drag her any further, it’s like when you’re in the water, you can help someone for so long, but after a while their dead weight starts to make you sink. Honestly I couldn’t let myself go down with her. I saw the road she was walking, and I realized I was too late. She didn’t want help, she wanted approval, and I wasn’t about to give it to her. I don’t care what she says about me being a crappy friend, because– Because I tried. I tried to get her to feel better. But the truth was, she didn’t want to get better, she wanted a fix, something quick.

So screw you Sally. I hope you find some false peace in your “blessed be” dark arts. Because Though I walk through the valley of death each day– I fear NOT evil.

Derringer Meryl [Majick? Pshaw] Out

here’s some more of that grey matter exploding fun–

It’s the Memorial day weekend, and despite how much we may sedate my father with SSRI’s he’s still a grumpy ass monkey. He has mood swings that make mine pale in comparison. He assumes (not unlike me) that every one knows exactly what is going on inside of his mind, that when he snaps his fingers and says “That one thing, you know?” we all completely understand him, but are just being rude jackasses.

I guess we learned it from him.

I don’t know why he irratates me so– Maybe it’s because he’s so lukewarm. Some days he’s my dad. MINE, you know, and I can be his little girl…. and other days I’m my mom’s. I remember so vividly from when I was little …. he got angry about something– and yelled at my mom that “One of her damn kids must have done it.” we were always the easy scapegoat. always.

and i’ve always wondered if it was better to have a lukewarm, mood swing dad, than no dad at all. Then I remember what Christ said (and trust me, he’s like Buddha and Ghandi in the way that most of his stuff made a WHOLE lotta sense) “Be ye hot, or be ye cold, but be not lukewarm lest I spit ye out of my mouth.” Err something like that. It boiled down to “Be bad, be good, be something, cause being in the middle, just pisses me off.”

I’m sure I condemned myself with that last line… eh.

I told my boss, the real flaky one who had like 4 kids from two different women, and only one of them while he was married to the mother. *shakes her head* I told him, that he had such potential to be a great dad. That I wanted him to be what my dad was never for me. Sure, my dad changed a lot for me, he went to school so he could raise me right—

But I don’t know. Some of the things he’s done. Like making me afraid of getting married, or dating– afraid of loving someone– I already know that I pick scummy guys. They seem nice and pretty on the surface, but that’s the cheap gold gilding they put on until I’m in too deep. Then it all flakes off and then– then i’m stuck with a crap load of bad memories, and an extreme skittish-ness.

I don’t walk on the bad side. In fact, I’m pretty sure I walk no where near it. I admire it from afar, where it still looks enticing, and say “Wow, bad side, That’s neat.” and keep going my merry way. I’m safe and secure, and so deeply entrenched in my shell that no one can even tell by the stupid mask I put on. I try my damnedest to keep true to how i’m feeling– but…. I wouldn’t be able to leave my house, walk through a crowd, or talk to anyone outside of my family (or my second family of co-workers). It’s hard– I hate being touched. I don’t even like to be touched by my own family. Not my dad, my siblings– my mom is about the limit. She’s always right. *sighs* I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t touch customers, I dont touch teachers, I dont’ like hugging my fetchin’ therapist. Amy, My mom, Carolyn…. and that’s about it. Notice very carefully that no guys fall into that VERY short list.

why? because despite how well i get along with guys, I think it happens to be a case of keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. Don’t get me wrong– I love my guy friends, they’re all great, and while some of them have the tendency to piss me off to no end– *sighs* i don’t hate them, obviously, otherwise they wouldn’t be on my list of friends (duh) but guys are the enemy. I guess I’m still psychologically at the “boys have cooties” stage of life. and I hate that. Because trust me, I’ve fallen for a guy before. So my brain is going “Hey, You don’t like them, they’re bad, they do bad things your mind and your heart, and you in general. You shouldn’t be doing this.” and my heart just keeps screaming “You need the contact, you need to take a chance, you need to love, you need to move past that stage– It could be that man that can love you forever.”

and It hurts. Like i always have a conflict going on inside of me, driving me a little— no a lot, crazy. and so — i leave you with the thoughts (echoing mine in every possible way) of Matchbox 20 in their new song Unwell

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown

And I don’t know why

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired

I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be…me

I’m talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train

And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me

I can hear them whisper

And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me

Out of all the hours thinking

Somehow I’ve lost my mind

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired

I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be

I’ve been talking in my sleep

Pretty soon they’ll come to get me

Yeah, they’re taking me away

But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell

I know right now you can’t tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see

A different side of me

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired

I know right now you don’t care

But soon enough you’re gonna think of me

And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be

How I used to be

Well, I’m just a little unwell

How I used to be

How I used to be

I’m just a little unwell

Derringer Meryl [head exploding] out

here must be something wrong, You don’t decide to not go for no reason at all.

And what if I did? What if I decided out of the blue one day to not go to school, just because? Or maybe work? No reason whatsoever, just because. I can do that, despite the ‘rules’ society has set, i can NOT do something if I choose. It’s not a big deal.

Okay, so there’s this barbeque at this one guy’s house this weekend. I was going to go, but then I decided it would probably be more healthy for me if I don’t. I don’t need to be all moony eyed in front of …. *gets angry* someone. Okay, SOMEONE. I’m tired of inflicing pain on myself. I’d much rather have someone else do it to me. That’s what a massochist is, I like the RIGHT kind of pain…

this isn’t it. this is the heart-wrenching-eternal-damnation-type-torment….. yeah, so i’m a little crazy, but that’s why my theme song is unwell by Matchbox20. I’m Unwell. That’s my singles (online) name. uNw3ll. Yeah, I’m sorta out there, but you wanna know what–

I’m out there, because I can’t stand living in here. *shrugs*

so I”m not going. I’m not perky (and I swear to God if you want to know the thing that pisses me off the most is being called perky!!) and I never have been. and despite my massochistic tendencies– I am not allowing cetain people to cause me to inflict more moony-eyed moron pain on myself. *sighs*

I know, I’m a freak. I over think things… Marcus wonders why my head hasn’t exploded yet– I think it would be the fact that I take more anti-depressant medication than any other teenager I know. Maybe that’s what keeps me from randomly killing my co-workers who can’t keep a bathroom clean or throw things away, OR dump their drinks.

That and Red. I’m sad. She’s leavin’ on a jet plane to D.C. tomorrow, and I won’t see her for like…. *thinks* five whole days! Kay, Red and I …. that’s the wrong way to start it. I’m friggin’ attatched to Red like a chicken is attatched to it’s feathers. I’m lonely and grumpy when she isn’t here. *sighs* dont’ tell– she doesn’t know. *laughs* okay, so she does.

She’s my best friend, and then… she’s going away to college.

That’s a scary topic. What am I going to do about college. I want to …. I want to go, part of me wants to learn and grow and be challenged– and another part of me wants to rest, desperately wants to rest. I don’t know why I … I should go. That is a statement. I, Derringer Meryl, should go to college.

but where, and why, and for how long??

Derringer Meryl [Complicated] Out