Undone

I’m nervous.

To the point, to be exact, where my stomach is gurgling and gargling on a constant painful basis. I’m sure you’re wondering what i’m so nervous about…. Well i’m meeting this guy on tuesday, AND his parents all in one fell swoop. It’s like the major blind date from hell, and I have nothing I want to wear, does that make sense?

I have a closet full of clothes, wonderful clothes that are simply amazing to me– but I can’t wear any of them. This is a meeting two years in the works, and …..

I’m afraid that I’m not what he thinks I am, I’m not the beauty who is poetic and romantic– I’m not….

unfortunately in my writing [sometimes] i can appear this way The thing I am, is natural. Purely me, and simple that way. I’m not gorgeous, I’m not . . . . I’m poetic, but not when I speak– I sound like every other coarse person in the world. I’m scared, and I’m lonely… go figure. His parents already don’t like me, and … and…. i’m not the kind of girl he should like. I’m not dirty or sinful, but —

He deserves someone who wants to cook dinner just for him, and wear pearls and smile and say “Father Knows Best” I’m not that girl I never have been, but

I can’t say I lied, because… when i met him, it was the person I was. I was beautiful and honest and pure.

now– i’m a little dirty and tainted. *shrugs* I guess it’s the price you pay for living– the fact that your little white dress gets a little tainted, and dirty. I’m not sure which I liked better, not living and not being worthy, or living and not being worthy. It’s a painful thing… living, breathing… it’s annoying–

so is finding a good skirt to wear. I want to look pretty AND modest. That’s probably the most annoying thing. No one has longer skirts for me to wear. GRRRR!

Derringer Meryl [Neurotic Tendencies] Out