All political AND religious

Dear God what will happen! The world is coming to an end. I have ….




Its not unusual for people to have opinions. Just me. Quite frankly I think this kind of bullsh*t has gone far enough. You might think “Oh all the people who are using Obamacare are just mooching off of me” What a self righteous way of looking at it. Chances are you’re swilling shitty food just like the rest of the country (Yes I’m looking at you people who eat take out every day and then bitch about how other people are so fat). LOTS of people are taking advantage of this. MYSELF INCLUDED. Why? Because why shouldn’t I go to get my breasts examined for Breast cancer, get a pap smear done, have them check all my routine stuff, FOR FREE? now I realize it’s not really free, I’m paying for it with my taxes. And if you’re dumb enough to not TAKE ADVANTAGE of the things available to you then it’s your own fault for being a stuck up ass hole.
Did you know that if you have type one diabetes (NOT the kind you get from eating too many twinkies and staying stationary) that you USED TO not be able to be covered by insurance if your insurance dropped off? If Scott (my wonderful hard working husband) got fired somewhere, and couldn’t find a new job in one year’s time, then he’d be SOL for PRETTY MUCH the rest of his life. Most average people can BUY health care. Just Buy it. Call a health insurance company and get it. Do you know who they won’t cover? those people who are TERMINALLY ILL. Do you think that’s fair?

What I find EXTRA offensive about these people who are down on Obama Care is 1) They usually claim to be Christian (more on that in a moment) and 2) they BITCH about the money. A lot. Shut the front door Republicans. I’m not saying all republicans are rich, but I think we can all agree that all POLITICIANS are rich (at least the big wigs) and they can stop complaining about losing their money. They’re just out for number #1. Their pocket book.

And about them being Christian. WHAT THE HUG MAN! Matthew 25:32-40

32 And before him shall be gathered all anations: and he shall bseparate them one from another, as a cshepherd divideth his dsheep from the goats:

33 And he shall set the sheep on his aright hand, but the goats on the left.

34 Then shall the King say unto them on his aright hand, Come, ye bblessed of my Father, cinherit the dkingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:

35 For I was an ahungred, and ye bgave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a cstranger, and ye took me in:

36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye avisited me: I was in bprison, and ye came unto me.

37 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?

38 When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?

39 Or when saw we thee asick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have adone it unto one of the bleast of these my cbrethren, ye have done it unto me.


Some people might think you don’t need to give everything up for God. And those people are wrong. What do you think Monks are about? Any religion or culture, they’re giving it up, FOR GOD. They give everything to him. Not everyone can live that way, and I think that’s just fine, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do what you can. That means loving your neighbor (the republicans and democrats and EVERY-FLIPPIN-ONE) that means giving up your excess (and trust me you probably have MORE excess than you realize) to help those in need, That means taking care of the sick and the hungry.


I don’t understand how you can claim to be religious, and be a politician. It’s an oxymoron. You can love God, and love  your country. Or say, maybe you don’t believe in God. Lots of people now days don’t, and that is JUST FLIPPING fine by me. right? Do what you want. Just don’t shit on other people. What may not be important for you, may be important to someone else. Obamacare is important to me. It’s not just about Obama. It’s not about some Bi-partisan bull crap. it’s about working together to build a better tomorrow. I want a nation where people will take care of one another. Where I am not thinking about JUST what is best for me, that I am trying to think of what may be best for EVERYONE, and try to take alternative perspectives into view to understand why people may be upset or on their side. You can still believe what you do… just try to look outside of your box for what someone else might think about things. Whether you think it’s reasonable or not.


Derringer Meryl [Political Crap.] Out

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Politics and Religion, OH MY!

Voting. Every year I think about how I can recall for my entire life a few weeks before Election day, the Bishop in our ward would stand up and read the same letter to us from the First Presidency encouraging us (those who could) to vote and be educated on the matters on the ballot in our area. I believe our government (as it was set forth in the beginning) was a plan, and was given to us as a blessing by God. In a lot of ways, The government is a lot like modern day religion. Some things about it are true, and we should respect those things (like freedom of speech, religion, etc etc) but other things are a bastardization of the truth, that has been warped and twisted to suit someone’s needs. (C’mon. Don’t look at me like that. Have you ever looked into Catholicism? Cause honestly, you could buy your way into Heaven for a chunk of time there! I don’t think that was something God signed off on.) I think our government (even in the very beginnings) was as good as we could make it. Unfortunately, it’s gone down hill, and we (as a nation in entirety) has lost sight of what it’s like to not have our freedoms, and lost respect for what it is we have.

People say that you should get Educated and Vote. I have no time to get to the real and honest truth of politics. that would be like swimming to the bottom of the ocean just to find out that, guess what, it’s rock and in some portions lava and vents… and OH guess what you’re dead. It’s just a big waste of time. Voting is great. If I knew anything about what was going on, or had time to really pay attention to it, i would. I guess I should say then, the Idea of Voting Is great. Having each person’s vote heard and aired .. that’s a plan man! But it’s not how it is. Honestly, I dont’ have time to educate myself, then go vote, only to find out that If i were to hold contradictory believes to the state I live in, It wouldn’t even count for everything, especially in matters of the President. I have NO time for that. {hyperbole} But right now i’m kind of focusing on not screwing up my kids, not getting myself tossed out on my butt from my job… and overall just doing my best to hold it all together.{/hyperbole} So voting kind of goes into this nice little folder of “things I probably should do at some point in my life” Not unlike Visiting teaching, fulfilling my callings (or getting one, since I don’t think I have one) mowing my lawn regularly, doing laundry every day, making a sit down meal with my family, and about 2 million other things that fall under that heading.

Sorry If I sound a little bitter, but I’ve recently discovered after coming to the absolute brink of losing my mind that if you tote around a bag of “I should be doing this….” you’ll go mad. And I don’t mean the fun kind of mad that you can take to Thanksgiving dinner and have your grandchildren play practical jokes on your mind being lost… it’s the kind of mad where your outer shell goes hard, and you don’t feel anything anymore, and all you wish for is … to feel again. *sigh* It’s no good. I guess what I’m saying, in the long and short of it, is that voting just isn’t for me. I’m never going to feel satisfactorily educated on the matter. I cannot know the absolute truth on any issue, and so anything I do know would be, in some form or another, a lie.


Did I mention I never went back to therapy. It was costly. Also, I never felt like I got on the same wave length as my therapist. I felt like… Like he looked down on me? I guess? I don’t like when people assume they know me better than myself. I appreciate a new perspective on life and things, but just because you’ve gone to college doesn’t mean you know me better than I do. I’ve lived in my head for years now. I know what bugs me. I know what makes me tick. I absolutely LOATHE feeling controlled. there are people in my life whom I have yielded control and input on my actions to. Like my parents, my siblings, my friends and my husband. People whom I am close to. If I pay you to talk to me, you can RECOMMEND what I should do, you cannot TELL me what to do. I can tell YOU what I’ll do. I’ll tell you to jump in a lake. Jerk. Or I’ll passive aggressively not come back to therapy anymore. He had been warned though, I stopped going to my prior therapist because of her attempt to control me. I’ll admit I’ve made some STUNNINGLY stupid decisions in my life. But, they were my choices, and my mistakes to make. *yawn Yawn Yawn*

Christmas is coming. which means I need to crush and stifle my urges to be a bossy person. I am a bit of a control freak, it helps me maintain my sanity. Katie is enthralled with Christmas already. I hope she has a great time. i cannot wait for our Christmas traditions. I’m looking forward to having Christmas Eve off this year, and how relaxing that will be. I am lost on what to get the girls, and what to ask for myself. I am not good at thinking of what *I* may need, or want. I’m lost. I don’t think of myself often. If everyone wanted to pitch in together, and work out babysitting for me, 😉 that’d be great. haahah. It’d be fabulous to have my girls in day care or something. hopefully I can work out taking the girls to some place at somepoint this next year. They are getting too old and mischievous to be at home with Scott when he’s soooo tired! The only other things I w ant are: a membership to a gym (and my self control back) and another trip to Disneyland. I think people are baffled at my love for DL when there is WDW I could go to, but you can’t beat the original!! Plus I think I wouldn’t be happy in WDW, the humidity is too much!!

Derringer meryl [You could call me afro minnie] out


just guilty

sometimes i over exaggerate. Scott and my mom have conferred and agreed that I over exaggerated my emotions on my previous entry. I have gotten upset, but not over anything that wasn’t worth getting upset over.

I still said somethings that I wish I could take back and stuff some place where I’d never see them again… but what’s done is done. That’s that.

This week has been super busy, I found my boquet (sp?) and flowers for Scott and everyone to wear. (cause in the world, there’s only three people: Me, Scott, and everyone else.) *coughs at the vague reference* I’d like to point out to my siblings who would like to throttle the commentor in the previous post that it’d be friendly not to, and I”m sure he meant NO harm by his comments.

I’ve learned to just roll with the proverbial punches.

I remember watching movies (Like School of Rock) where the girlfriend absolutely hates her boyfriend’s best friend. I’ve always hated those girls, and totally rocked out when they get burnt. I’m sorry. If you really love someone, you love who they love. Their family and their friends. I’m safe in the knowledge that I’m not bridezilla, as I paint myself to be, I just don’t always handle pressure well. And I don’t deal well with the idea of spending time with Scott to pick out what kind of stamps we’re having on our invites. Psh. What a waste of quality Scott time. I could snuggle, or talk. Or simply bask in the knowledge of the fact that i’m his, and he’s mine.

I belong. Wow. that’s new.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my testimony of the Church lately, since I’m taking a big step with going to the temple and all… For some reason being with Scott is like some BIG clarification of any questions I may have once had. I used to wonder why Christ would want to Die for someone like me. I don’t see a lot of worth within myself. (If you hadn’t noticed) I knew I was special, and that I was God’s Spiritual Child. I just … didn’t see why it mattered. well… Why I mattered, more specifically.

Now I get it.

I don’t know why it didn’t fit before. I knew God wanted me to be happy. But nothing felt happy. I wasn’t warm fuzzy at Church like the other girls. They were very happy and content. People were always talking about how they felt sad and lonely until they found the church. I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel like that. Why I didn’t feel all sorts of warm and ooey gooey when I went to church. Sure, I’d had a few moments, but nothing like anyone was describing to me. I understood that Christ Died because he wanted God to be Happy, and for God to be happy, all his children would come back to him.

I saw nothing pure or good about myself that God would want. For the longest time I thought I was dirty and soiled. I didn’t understand why my own family wanted to associate with me, let alone others. Now I can see it. It’s like it took Scott to come along and say “You’re worth something, you’re worth SO much” for me to understand. it’s not like he’s said anything different than anyone else has… it’s simply how he says it. He won’t let me laugh it off or look away, or anything. He earnestly wants me to see the good in me. He’s not my Young Women’s leader who wants me to smile like all the other girls so she can have a full set. He wants me to smile because that’s what he does. Makes me smile. Life was empty before. There was no reason for living. Not really. I stayed alive on the simple premise of “If you kill yourself, that’s a straight shot to hell.”

Once I almost Killed myself on the idea that God wanted me to be happy, and there was no way I could be happy here.

I know why there’s a forever now. I know why Christ Died. I can’t explain it to you. I don’t want to. it’s my tender and sacred experience of the Divine. the blessed and happy number nine.

I don’t know it all. I can’t tell you what i know. Wouldn’t do any good anyway…. because it’s mine. I dare you to explore it. Explore why you’re living and breathing and still existing. for the longest time I was a waste of space. Now I live. With a Reason.

it’s new. it’s fresh. i love it. i love him.

Derringer Meryl [glorious day] Out

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Everyone I know, goes away in the end

Isn’t it fun? Being horrible to yourself. Driving yourself a little deeper into the floor, tasting dirt in your mouth–

knowing you don’t deserve any better. It’s just… interesting.

I went to Church today, and it seemed like every word stabbed a little deeper, telling me that I was going to hell. No one said it. Honestly, most of it was about redemption from sin, but I can’t believe how it only made me feel worse.

And i was thinking, how i regard myself as broken. Not quite right– a little off kilter– basically just– *sighs* Broken. and — how I could fix it if I just let God take me and guide me…

I guess i’m so used to being broken, being any other way doesn’t seem quite right.

Maybe i’m sinking into another bout of depression, as i’m bound to… and it would make sense, since i have no control over my life, or anything in it…. Not what I do, or what I wear, or who I talk to. What I say. And I can’t say what is inhibiting me. My dad, my religion, myself. I think it’s mostly the last one, that i’m too scared to do something against what everyone expects. I’m too scared to say that i don’t want to go to college, and that I don’t want to wear these clothes that are pretty, and that I want to go hang out with Gert, on a Sunday– Of all days. And i’m at war with myself, because I don’t know if I do really want these things because I want them, or because I can’t have them– because someone told me no.

There was no choice. There was a decision, but there was no choice. It was like a judgment, that was made for me. I want to follow the precepts of the gospel– I want to be faithful daughter of God…. I don’t want to do it by my father’s rules. And it feels like I’m a dainty flower in the Arizona sun– and i’m not sure if i’m going to survive living here. Not sure if i’m going to be okay–

I just know i need out. I need to be out. And i don’t know if it makes sense, but — I’d like to do something wrong, so i can start doing things right…. for myself. I can’t do that here. I can’t do that with my father looking on.


Good, Better Than Ezra

Looking around the house.

Hidden behind the window and the door.

Searching for signs of life but there’s nobody home.

Well, maybe I’m just too sure.

Maybe I’m just too frightened

By the sound of it.

Pieces of note fall down, but the letter said,

Aha, it was good living with you.

Aha, it was good.

Aha, it was good living with you.

Aha, it was good.

Sitting around the house,

Watching the sun trace shadows on the floor.

Searching for signs of life, but there’s nobody home.

Well, maybe I’ll call

Or write you a letter.

Now, maybe we’ll see on the Fourth of July.

But I’m not too sure, and I’m not too proud.

Well, I’m not too sure and I’m not too proud to say.

Aha, it was good living with you.

Aha, it was good.

Aha, it was good living with you.

Aha, it was good.


Yeah, you were so good. yeah you were so good, yeah that’s right…

Derringer Meryl [Pondering] Out

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This Protective Big Brother Act, is OLD

Oooo, Beginnings! I’ve got my homework done. Huzzah. I’m done feeling all oooy gooey about last night. *tosses it out the window* however i’ve come to the decision that my dad won’t CHOOSE who I marry, and for that matter neither will Wudan, or the Specialist. *leers* I don’t know if the Specialist was joking about giving monkey the rusty saw treatment, but in any case, Monkey is one of my few friends, and i’m not about to let one of my stupid siblings ruin that for me. *rolls her eyes*

I think it’s part of the human condition to feel the need to protect your loved ones from people you feel have the capability to hurt them. 🙂 It’s a nice thought guys, but shove off, you didn’t protect me from anything when i needed you to, and now, your “I’m your older brother and i need to protect you from all the bad guys in the world” act is not only bothersome, it’s over done. You care, you’ll back me up in my defiance from what some people in the house have done. Cause when it comes down to it, I’m not Wudan. I don’t plan on being LIKE Wudan. I don’t plan on being the Specialist, or Daxero, or anyone else but me. I know the rules, I know where to go, what to do, and what MY goals are. So, basically…. be supportive. I was of you. I had all the faith in the world in The Specialist and his wife. I defended their right not to go to church, if they so chose. I blatantly told my father that i did not want to discuss their worthiness to go to the temple. I didn’t want to know. I still don’t. It’s not my issue, It’s not something I Need to know. As for Wudan and His wife, well, I’m one of their greatest allies, because honestly, we aren’t winning any points by shoving religion into their gullet. *shrugs* I’m really into this whole AGENCY Thing i heard about at church. I live the way i want to. I get my blessings, and my short comings, and stuff happens. Same with everyone else. Some people aren’t ready for church or religion, and some are.

Some are just being rebellious brats. IN any case, it’s everyone’s own choice to do what they want. And so they do….

*smiles* And I do what I want to– except, it seems like even my own siblings are beating me back down. I mean, the old standard of “I’m older so I can do this, and you’re younger so you can’t.” doesn’t hold up so much anymore. Ya know? I deserve to date who I want. Wudan got to. Why not me? heck, and mine are even members of the church, they just aren’t active. I guess it’s because i’m a girl, right?

Anyway, it’s time for the lyric spew– because I want to… 🙂

In the inspired Karaoke-ness of today (Gert is having a Karaoke Party … no i wasn’t invited, but i wouldn’t have been able to go anyway.) we get a song, that would be great for Karaoke!

Falls apart Sugar Ray

She falls apart by herself

No ones there to talk or understand

Feels sustained, dries here eyes

Finds herself, opens the door inside

People see right through you

Everyone who knew you well

Falls apart, might as well

Day is long and nothing is wasteful

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

Hold, hold you but your going away

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney: Want]

Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today

You walk along by yourself

There’s no sound, nothing is changing

Been gone away, left you there

Emptiness is nothing you can’t share

All those words that hurt you

More than you would let it show

Comes apart, by yourself

All is well and everything is wasted

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney: Want]

Hold (Want) hold you but your going away

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney: Want]

Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today

Sometimes we’ll feel around and this dance instead can’t be down

All the sound of me on my own

Any sound of me again it’s time away surround around a friend

I know where I know where no where to runaway

She falls apart, no one there

Hold her hand, it seems to disappear

Falls apart, might as well

Day is long and nothing is wasted

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney:] Want

Hold (Want) hold you but your going away

Runaway runaway [Rodney background:] runaway runaway

[Rodney:] Want

Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today

Runaway Runaway

Hold (Want) hold you (Want) but your going away

But your leaving today, but your leaving today

Derringer Meryl [She Falls apart] Out

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