Undone

Right then– here I go, If you don’t like to read about any religion (if it isn’t yours or at all) I suggest you scoot. I’m having Religious dilemmas.

I love my church, God, Jesus, the whole bit. I’d write out a testimony, but that isn’t what this post is about. It’s about me… and despite the fact i’ve tried so hard to scrape every single memory of him from my brain…. HIM. I’m sure you remember. Blah. In any case, I’ve fallen again, and hard. Mostly due to my legal-ness now. It’s so hard for me to understand. I get that God wants all of his children to be happy (right, makes sense) and for me, being married will make me happy. And despite how obsessed and disgustingly sick this makes me, as far as i know right now, at this moment, I would not mind being married to HIM.

He’s not my same religion. My heart chose. and I hate it. I hate the fact that my heart is leading me someplace that I would love to go, but can’t. It’s like, there are two things that would make me happy (okay, makes sense) but they contradict each other.

Take my sadist obsession…. or being a massochist— strictly in contradiction to what I feel about the gospel. (BTW If you didn’t already know, I’m LDS…. dont’ think ill of them… Some of them are very happy people, and simply wish to extend that happiness to you. *shrugs*)

Anyway– I’m like the living contradiction girl. I love people, I think people are facinating, but I have social anxiety, I want to have a husband, but I’m afraid to date…..

I love a Catholic Boy, despite the fact that I’m LDS and can’t marry him the way I want to.

I dont’ even know what i’m talking about. I don’t even know if I want to marry him at all. But he takes my breath away and makes me feel real. Like the life i’m living isn’t just some day dream that is inside of someone’s head…. Real. Me.

It’s something new to me. I can feel every aspect of emotion– pain, love, it’s vibrant and glorious…

and i want it. I guess that’s why I want HIM so bad. Because he makes me alive inside.

I’m not sure if that’s romantic or really really scary. REALLY

Derringer Meryl [Living Again?] Out