Undone

I feel like I have to admit this to myself, instead of saying that it’s not true, and that I’m fine.

I have very very bad social anxiety. I find it hard to leave the house for social outings. I, selfishly, find reasons not to. Obviously it should be noted that it doesn’t really matter who I’m going to go spend time with,  the energy it takes (physically and emotionally) to leave the house and chat with people is immense. I do often have fun after I leave (ie, I have fun at the party/event), but that’s not really the point. It’s the weirdness that is there when I’m home.  I feel depressed and lonely.  I often think about how I can go to a party and feel trapped inside of my head, and unable to really relax and have real fun.

I spend most of the parties I go to with Katie. I often wonder why I even leave home when it’s just the same thing in a different locale, and often more embarassing when she doesn’t behave. I find that I’m lacking interest in a lot of things as well. While I did get up the gumption to pull my sewing machine out and my material for Audrey’s quilt… I feel as though I won’t have time to do it.

I often wonder if It’s selfish to want time away from Katie, since most of my week is spent away from her… I work hard on the weekends to ensure Scott gets sleep and that she and I have fun. My patience for her though is small and I find myself easily frustrated with her inattentiveness. She refuses to hold my hand unless I’m crying. I can’t run after her, so I often try and wrangle DQ or someone into going with me so that when she runs or wants to be held, SOMEONE can run after her. I had a Katie free day yesterday and instead of doing anything with it– I slept. I was going to go to a BBQ at a friend’s house, or even a babyshower for a co-worker, and there was also a graduation party (which we did make it to.) I feel smothered and sad. All I do is work at a job I hate, and come home to a messy house I’m supposed to clean, to cook dinner for my husband (who desperately needs sleep because he generously watches our daughter when he should be asleep)….

and then I go to sleep and do it all again.

Sometimes I want to scream that it’s not fair and someone else should be doing this stuff… but I realize that life isn’t fair, and that she’s my daughter, and he’s my husband. I have things I need to do. Everyone does them. I guess though, most other people dont’ have the horrible anxiety and the crippling depression. I do think I’ll speak to a doctor. I’m hoping that it’s mostly hormones from this pregnancy.

I am fine. I really, oddly, prefer to ignore that I’m sick in real life. I prefer to just let life go on. I’ll keep doing what I’m doing.

That’s that.

Derringer Meryl [beastie AWAKE!] Out

<<<<  I wrote this in a steam room on my message board I go to. The only thing it’s missing are the emoticons…. which I’m too lazy to steal, and really you’re not missing much. This post doesn’t actually refer to anyone I know in real life. Mostly I would say the INTERNET has made me feel bad about my decision to have a C-section, no one i know personally. I thought I’d get that out there before I get asked “I don’t make you feel bad do i?” and the answer is no. You don’t. Trust me. Everyone I know has been VERY supportive in my choices, and I even discussed it somewhat with my mom before I chose it. If Life was perfect, things would progress differently than they do sometimes. In a perfect world I’d probably labor at home and then go to a nataloc (look it up people) and give birth and feel so proud of myself and my body. But I sacrafice my pride to protect myself, my husband and my children…. So without further ado– My C-Section Rant.>>>>

Why do I feel like…. because I “chose” to have my C-section that I should feel like I’m a bad mom. WTH?!

Like I should be apologizing that I wasn’t able to do a natural birth. I really respect people who do that, and honestly If I wasn’t such:

1)a big fat chicken
2) a previous C-section mommy
3) afraid of my own body

I probably would have done MORE to have a natural birth. But why is it that everyone looks down on C-sections? I feel like people are making C-section mommies into second class citizens. Like we don’t love our kids as much or something because we either A) chose not to or B) weren’t able to go through the labor process naturally.

And I voice my irritation at this and people say “Well you didn’t CHOOSE it, your baby was breech”

NO, that’s not true. I DID choose it. My doctor said “we can try and turn her and induce you, or we can just go for the c-section” and I CHOSE the c-section. I said “Sign me up for that!” and i didn’t realize the stigma or the crippling grief that would come from it. Will I spend the rest of my life being looked down on because of my choice? That’s disgusting! Why can’t everyone have the “I respect your decision, but that’s not the choice for me” attitude? <<Side bar, I feel that I try my best to have this attitude to other moms who choose other things. I couldn’t do a natural birth. I couldn’t, and might I add wouldn’t have my child at home… but for people who can and do, great for them!!! Not for me!>> I go to websites that I’m sure are supposed to be well meaning trying to warn women of the dangers of a C-section and why they aren’t good… and… I just feel dirty. I feel like they are spewing hate.  <<To be a bit more in detail here, I feel like I’m supposedly lazy or something because I didn’t give birth. I just had a baby. I didn’t LABOR, I didn’t WORK.  That it’s the easy man’s way out of having a baby. I can’t say! I don’t know! I haven’t done both! But I can tell you it’s not like it’s a picnic. I can remember I couldn’t lay down. My legs swelled up a lot due to the fact they were out of use for 24 hours. I have a scar and this lovely little flap of skin that hangs over it because all my skin is stretched out! Each C-section I have seals my fate as a permanent C-section mom. As much as I’d love to try natural, I cannot face the idea of a uterine rupture. Any chance is TOO big of a chance. I have even scaled back the number of children I want to have due to this risk.>>

I realize that a lot of my depression came from having a c-section last time, but at the same time I think it also came from not feeling like I was respected for the choice I made. Like I was lazy or stupid or inconsiderate for doing what I did. That my doctor (who is/was an amazing OB and always respected my feelings and wishes) was lazy and just wanted to get me out of the way.

I should not be ASHAMED to say I’ve had a c-section. I should not feel like I’m not a good mom because of the way I have given birth. Plenty of BAD mom’s, mom’s who hit and abuse and are just terrible to their children gave birth naturally. Hell. I’m sure bad moms have existed a LOT longer than the C-section has. But it’s not fair though that now days when we have so much medical knowledge, and so much tolerance for SO many things, that we as women can look down on each other for our mothering choices. Everyone thinks what they choose is right. And they are (for the most part) right! What you choose for your child is going to be more right for you, and for them, than what I could choose for them!

As much as I love and respect the opinions of the women here <<<On my Message board, not really relevant to my blog, but I do love a lot of people who read my  blog!>>>, I can’t let anyone belittle me, or the choices I have made. My daughter sleeps in a big girl bed and I put a gate in front of her door to keep her in her room. I work. I have c-sections. I breastfeed, but *gasp* only to a year.

And other moms do other things. And that’s that.

Can’t we just keep in mind that other choices don’t mean they’re bad…. they’re just different.

Derringer Meryl [People are People] Out

So I am a planner. I like to have things work in my orderly way. Which makes having a c-section really good in a lot of ways (haha, I went like five words without talking about the baby! AHAHAHA!) because i know exactly what day I’m going in and having a baby. Or at least I will. Once I get to the point where I can schedule that. I need to ask my doctor “Oh hey when am I scheduling that?” tomorrow. I wish I could know right now. LOL. But It has started to occur to me that unlike the last time I went to the hospital– this will be quite different.  Before, Scott and I slept restlessly (or at least I did) until the alarm went off, and we drove our car to the hospital and I got all ready for surgery… at 6 am.

This time, we will wake up, get ourselves ready, and hopefully have someplace, or someone to come watch Katie while I go to the hospital and get all ready for surgery. I am planning that I will get her ready before I go. It’s weird though, to think that I have to have a plan in place for her until I go to the hospital. I guess (in thinking about it now) she will at least have DQ here until 10:30, and I’m guessing that DQ will probably just take the day off the day I have the baby…. well maybe LOL. at the very least she’d have someone here for her to scream at.

It’s kind of funny that I often forget that DQ lives with us. It seems like a weird thing to forget, but she is often doing her own thing with our friends, or hanging out with family. She’s pretty dang socially active. LOL.

I think that’s it for now. I cannot believe that it’s almost May, Katie is almost 2, and I am almost a mom x2! WTH?!

Derringer Meryl [Soon to be chorused by MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!] Out

I have been trying for … a while now ( a great while, since November) to read Terry Brook’s The Wishsong of Shannara
I have come to the conclusion that it’s not really my cup of tea. However the deal is that Scott will read Twilight if I read Wishsong. So I am starting today… with a renewed effort to read it. Magic and Elves and Such belong in Movies and video games… and table top games. Books, I prefer to have kissing and romance, or something.
I’m TAKING IT BACK!

I do (as a pregnant woman) really have to go to the bathroom once an hour. Sometimes I can make it two…but not often. How annoying.

Things have been good here in lala land. I’m pleasantly suprised how much easier (JINX) that this pregnancy has been for me. Don’t ask me why. I can’t imagine everyone has harder first pregnancies. I think not gaining so much weight has really helped. I htink I’m up to like 6 or so lbs, which is good.

This month is crazy. Work has FOR SURE been crazy.  It’s been so stressful and out of whack that my co-workers are dropping like flies that have just been sprayed with heavy duty pesticides. We’re all tired, we could use a week or two off, that’s for sure. I don’t know what’s going to happen to everyone else when I (and another co-worker) go on maternity leave. It’ll be BIZZARE to be here, and probably pretty stressful. I hope our temps have the hang of things by then. I too have been a temp before. So I feel their pain. On the other hand… I wish they knew more. All with time I suppose.

Do I talk about baby stuff too much? Probably. I don’t care. it’s what’s on my mind the most. I can’t help it.  Katie is starting to kind of, sort of grasp that there is a baby in my tummy. We were looking at pictures online today of one of my online buddies that just had a baby, and she had a pic of prior to labor and her baby afterwards, So I showed Katie that she had a baby in her belly like Mommy and that then the baby came out, and i showed her the pictures of the baby. She said “AWWW baby!” and then i told her Audrey is in my belly and will come out soon too. Katie pointed and said “baby!” and I asked her if she wanted to kiss the baby, and she gave my tummy a kiss. She can be so pleasant sometimes…. othertimes NOT so pleasant.

I am trying to kick my crafting into high gear and finish Audrey’s quilt. You should be laughing becase A) I just found my presser foot for my sewing machine earlier this week (or was it last week) and I haven’t even pulled out the material to start working. HAHA HAHAHA. The funny thing? This quilt I had planned for Midori’s some day baby. I bought the fabric because it was cute, and I can’t resist cute. I’m stealing it from Midori though and Audrey is getting it. i guess it’s not really stealing since I hadn’t given it to her yet. LOL.
There was some fabric i was In L-O-V-E with. I cannot find it. I don’t know the maker, i don’t know the name of the pattern. I do know that it was light blue background with yellow cows (jumping over the moon, of course)  pink cats, green dogs, etc etc. It was beautiful. I loved it. I cannot find it anywhere now. I found it originally when Carebear was preggo with squirt. I wanted to get it, but it was one of those fabrics that you see, fall in love with, look at the price, and put back. LOL. Designer, for sure. I would LOVE to have a nursing cover out of it, or … anything. Seriously, anything out of that fabric would be magic. LOL.

Ok I’m distracted now. Must go insearch of that fabric… beauty.

Derringer Meryl [search search search….] Out