Undone

At work we’ve been examining “why” a lot. Why do we want quality workers? why do we provide the service the way we do? Why, Why, Why?

 

I’ve been applying Why into my life. In case you need a bit of perspective:

So I’ve been thinking about this in a lot of different ways, relating to my job, because honestly that’s where this first was shown to me so it’s logical that I would apply it there first.

Then I started thinking about the fact that WHY would (and could) lead me to being a happier person. Truely. Simon has another video about how much he dislikes the “self help” industry because if we could just reach out to the other people around us and help THEM with their issues without any thought to being “paid back” any sort of return on that investment of our time, other than our own feeling of fulfillment.

I know people who live like this, they are generally much happier than me. I have to admit, I am NOT good at the things Mr. Sinek speaks of. Mostly reaching out to our fellow man. He says that we sit in our cubicles at work and just stay closed off. I wonder, if there is something about my psyche that makes me resistant to other people. At work we do a personality index, I’ve sat through the review of the results… at least 9 times now? and the things I know are that I score low ion the extroverted scale. I am technically an introvert that makes me kind of unique in the fact that my job requires me to be social. I am not socially poised, I DO worry that people like me. I do like to be the center of attention and make people laugh. Because it brings me fulfillment. It makes me feel good. So it’s weird that my fulfillment is working opposite of my personality. There’s probably some deep psychological hole in my brain that a doctor could fix so that I didn’t hate myself for being terrified of people. I do work at it. I enjoy training at work QUITE a bit, because (as any member of my immediate family will tell you) I like to repeat funny stories/jokes. Even if they fall flat. I will tell you the same snooty factoid (did you know that the Brigham City Temple was built on top of the Elementary school I went to? NO? Let me tell you again in 20 minutes.) even though I’ve probably already told you. FUN TIMES EH? Anyway. I like talking, like educating. I’d be a rubbish elementary/secondary school teacher. Mostly because as a trainer, i work with my boss to pick who is in my classes. As a teacher you get what you get and you don’t get upset. So there’s that. I don’t get final say, but– I do the best with what I’m given haha.

Anyway, I was thinking about Why in relation to my weight. I would L-O-V-E to be thin and a little bit foxy (VERY MUCH) and I’d honestly adore just being able to shop at a regular store. But those are the results I’m chasing. (seriously, have you watched the video? Do it!) Maybe I’m the eternal skeptic or something because I don’t have a belief. I don’t have a why. Why am I trying to lose weight? What is my belief set behind that? I think this applies. Because I am a drifter. A chameleon I will believe what you believe with the passion you have. I don’t have a solid opinion of anything. I don’t believe I can do it.

 

Let me say that again. I don’t feel like the full weight of the statement can be fully felt without me repeating it.

 

I don’t believe I can do it.

 

When I say that, when I feel it, when I write it, it is what i mean. It may seem a bit Melodramatic right? People say that’s what I am. Melodramatic. Over dramatic. Whatever. I feel like I am HONEST. I believe in my emotions, and the things I say about my emotions are not exaggerations, they are a true and brilliant painting of the war within my head. People thought that Van Gough was crazy because he could see the color in the universe when no one else could. Maybe it made him a little bit of a nutter. I’m not saying I’m Van Gough, cause I tell you I’m not, but I can tell you that I can relate to feeling something so intensely that it makes you feel insane.

Feeling nothing can make you just as crazy. Sometimes it feels like a faucet. I can only feel everything and be mad, or feel nothing at all and wonder what’s the point. To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or by opposing end them.

 

Look how easily I’ve turned this into something dark!

 

POINT: My lack of belief in myself makes all of my negative self talk true. I think I’m downright rubbish at my job. I feel quite frequently as a failure. I struggle. I am IMMENSELY proud of my trainees. It seems a little silly, because it’s not like they’re my friends, they’re just acquaintances, but I am proud of their successes, because as their trainer, their success is MY success.

 

So how do I eliminate that niggling “no you can’t” in the back of my head. The voice I know all so well. I know who he is, and I know where he came from. As much as I want to shut it all away– I can’t. I shut down parts of me to play perfect girl for a while. I did that a lot in High School. Junior high too. Smiling Meryl. Happy Meryl,  Sometimes is never quite enough if you’re flawless, then you’ll win my love … how sad is it that in the end I’m the person that I want to escape. At the end of the day the person that isn’t happy with how i”ve done is me. I project it on other people. Scott, the girls, my boss, God. Everyone else I think is not loving me enough, and it’s because i”m trying to shove all their love into this huge gaping hole I have where my self-esteem is supposed to be.

I remember thinking “if I just had kids, they’ll love me enough.” Maybe not consciously, I may not have had that EXACT thought, but it was there. Before that, It was if I had a husband, or if I had enough friends, or if I had a boyfriend.

Quite frankly the problem is that all the love in the world for exactly who I am now cannot replace the belief i should I have in myself. The belief that I am good enough. Strong enough, That I deserve to be loved, by the most important person in the world to me. As selfish as it sounds, if you don’t have yourself on your team, who do you have?

 

Does that make sense?  Probably not. Post 10 PM Meryl usually sounds like a bunch of crazy. But this all seems very clear to me now. So I figured out the Why to my broken-ness, I guess the next thing is … How do I fix it?

 

Derringer Meryl [Deep.] Out