Undone

in a moment of brief insanity, i’ve decided to update. I have a date next monday. I have my nephews (all three of the out of staters) coming to stay at our house. I have school work blowing out my ears. I’m fairly relaxed, I’m managing fairly well. I just don’t sleep at all. that’s not bad though. I’m alright with that.

Um. Keenspace is back up, which i’m really happy about.

I have a few things i’m really keen about. after six months of self entrapment, i’ve suddenly decided to let myself go, for the enlightenment of others. *shrugs* If i wasn’t such a personal person, who likes to keep a lot of emotional things to herself (deeply emotional things) then i might elaborate. If you ask, i might tell you. that is, unless your name starts with a consonant. :0

I’m so mean.

Poor Mouth has been having a rough time of it. I’m really at a loss of what to do. Usually getting stone drunk helps him feel better, but this isn’t even touching his depression this time. It’s really odd. He’s a great friend, who helped me free myself from my own little prison of emotion. I’d like to help him too, the way he helped me…. so i’ve been thinking really hard about it.

And i’m gonna try to do something, I don’t know what yet. But something. Anything.

Last Sunday, I had a nightmare, for clarification for those who are confused. It was vivid. It was real. I was standing some place, seemed like Wudan’s old apartment, maybe. And The Specialist and I were there. He told me he was tired. He looked it too. He wasn’t smiling. He just looked… haggard… but still recognizably him, if that makes sense. He pulled a gun from his pocket, and put it to his chin, and pulled the trigger.

I woke up crying. And i was alone in my house. I was really scared. He didn’t answer his cell phone either.

It was like having the feeling that you could never tell someone you were sorry. It was horrible. And I never want to feel like that again.

Ever.

Derringer Meryl [A little scarred] Out