Undone

Let me start off by saying that this month has been one of the best EVER. which is a stark contrast with some of the past February’s in my life. Valentines day has never been my favorite day ever… and this year Scott worked, but… well let’s do things in order.

First of all I got to attend my brother’s wedding. I have never ever before been able to attend a sibling of  mine’s wedding. (ETA, I’ve realized that this isn’t true, I attended Wudan’s wedding. That’s right. I’m a space cadet. I didn’t mean to be insensitive, I meant it was the first time I’d attended a temple wedding. Also, I was really immature and unmarried when Wudan got married, so I don’t think I appreciated it as much… if that makes sense? A wedding is a wedding is a wedding until you have one and realize how special and important it is being with someone who loves you. I love Sukie and Wudan, they had a beautiful wedding, and they love each other SO much it really does boggle my mind. They may not be smooshy like some couples, but I know they love each other, it is so evident in their manner…. but back to your previously scheduled program) So this was really special for me. It was a beautiful day. I am so happy for both of them. I’m so pleased! I wish I could find all the words and images to explain to everyone how beautiful and memorable the day ways. The Ballerina (as she’s called) was sweet and lovable, I’m so happy that she’s my Sister in law now. She’s very sweet and kind. She makes the Specialist VERY happy.

Then on Valentines day we took Scribbles and Katie to Kangaroo Zoo. Katie bounced and played and went down on the slides, she was having a great time. We went from there to the Ultrasound place in the mall. We had a gender determination Ultrasound, and got some pictures…. I’ll have to get Scott to scan them in. And we know for sure IT’S A GIRL!! I have seen a lot of ultrasounds and a lot of double checking on Katie, so I know what a girl looks like on ultrasound now days. Scott says the baby is HUGE, but we didn’t get any measurements taken since it was JUST gender determination. a lot of people are wary of Mall stores that do ultrasounds, but mine was performed by an OBGYN, he was nice too.  We’ll be going back in on March 3 to my regular OBGYN to get another Ultrasound, in case anyone is skeptical. 😉 Since Katie is going to be a big sister, we got her a big girl bed. She’s been sleeping in it for a few nights, and everything has been going really well. She got Hello Kitty Sheets, and she ‘s in love. Scott tells me though that she wanted to get some “Cars” sheets. She’s in love with that movie. She has seen it at least 4 times today.

Since we weren’t able to do anything too romantic on V-day, Scott has set up for us (at some point, he won’t tell me, because it’s a secret) to go to a B&B for some time away. Scott got a flat screen monitor for his computer (how terribly romantic, right?? I’m like that.) which he’s excited about so he doesn’t have to haul his heavy monitors to LAN parties. Scott finally confessed to me that in addition to the night out at the B&B he has also commissioned a custom necklace to be made for me. It has my birth stone as well as scott’s and Katie’s birth stone in it. I’m excited.

So many exciting things now days.

Derringer Meryl [CRAZY] Out

While I admit, I love my siblings all very much, and they’re all very special, I”d like to take this moment to express my anger at one of them.

The Specialist.

I’m sure it’s a very hard life being abnormally smart, as well as looked up to. I’m sure that’s a horrible burden to bear. I’m sure it’s hard for people to ask you for things all the time and then to deal with their anger when you don’t necisarily know the answer. I’m positive that all of that is hard. Difficult to deal with.

But there’s a thing called “No” Maybe you should have started to say it earlier. I don’t know. But now you’ve gotten yourself tangled in a whole bunch of promises (either said or unsaid) and you can’t keep them all. So most of them get half done.

Maybe i’m saying this when i’m too angry about it, maybe it’s the fact that I can’t write without music, and thus the fact that i can’t hear a LARGE amount of my music means that nothing is getting done. I have the feeling that several large Bobbie pins have been shoved through my left eye, and i just want to break down and never move again. Dammit, all i want is my damn music.

My father has spent three hours trying make it work, and I’m sure …. I don’t know. I’m just so … stress that my throat is constricting and i’m crying because i can’t listen to my stupid music. it’s stupid and childish,a nd I’m probably not even that mad at the Specialist as I am that life sucks and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to do school. I don’t want to Date, I don’t want to think, I just… don’t want to function any longer. I want to lay down in my large luxurious bed, and not get up.

it’s horrible to say that. I hate myself for saying that, which is probably just as contradictory as anything. My head hurts, my teeth are clenching so badly that my jaws hurt all the way up into my forehead. My cat Bit me, and i have a major paper due on tuesday, work tomorrow night. I’m so… tired. I’m so. … i’m just done. I just want to be done with it.

Derringer Meryl [Stressed to where It hurts] Out