just guilty

sometimes i over exaggerate. Scott and my mom have conferred and agreed that I over exaggerated my emotions on my previous entry. I have gotten upset, but not over anything that wasn’t worth getting upset over.

I still said somethings that I wish I could take back and stuff some place where I’d never see them again… but what’s done is done. That’s that.

This week has been super busy, I found my boquet (sp?) and flowers for Scott and everyone to wear. (cause in the world, there’s only three people: Me, Scott, and everyone else.) *coughs at the vague reference* I’d like to point out to my siblings who would like to throttle the commentor in the previous post that it’d be friendly not to, and I”m sure he meant NO harm by his comments.

I’ve learned to just roll with the proverbial punches.

I remember watching movies (Like School of Rock) where the girlfriend absolutely hates her boyfriend’s best friend. I’ve always hated those girls, and totally rocked out when they get burnt. I’m sorry. If you really love someone, you love who they love. Their family and their friends. I’m safe in the knowledge that I’m not bridezilla, as I paint myself to be, I just don’t always handle pressure well. And I don’t deal well with the idea of spending time with Scott to pick out what kind of stamps we’re having on our invites. Psh. What a waste of quality Scott time. I could snuggle, or talk. Or simply bask in the knowledge of the fact that i’m his, and he’s mine.

I belong. Wow. that’s new.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my testimony of the Church lately, since I’m taking a big step with going to the temple and all… For some reason being with Scott is like some BIG clarification of any questions I may have once had. I used to wonder why Christ would want to Die for someone like me. I don’t see a lot of worth within myself. (If you hadn’t noticed) I knew I was special, and that I was God’s Spiritual Child. I just … didn’t see why it mattered. well… Why I mattered, more specifically.

Now I get it.

I don’t know why it didn’t fit before. I knew God wanted me to be happy. But nothing felt happy. I wasn’t warm fuzzy at Church like the other girls. They were very happy and content. People were always talking about how they felt sad and lonely until they found the church. I didn’t understand why I didn’t feel like that. Why I didn’t feel all sorts of warm and ooey gooey when I went to church. Sure, I’d had a few moments, but nothing like anyone was describing to me. I understood that Christ Died because he wanted God to be Happy, and for God to be happy, all his children would come back to him.

I saw nothing pure or good about myself that God would want. For the longest time I thought I was dirty and soiled. I didn’t understand why my own family wanted to associate with me, let alone others. Now I can see it. It’s like it took Scott to come along and say “You’re worth something, you’re worth SO much” for me to understand. it’s not like he’s said anything different than anyone else has… it’s simply how he says it. He won’t let me laugh it off or look away, or anything. He earnestly wants me to see the good in me. He’s not my Young Women’s leader who wants me to smile like all the other girls so she can have a full set. He wants me to smile because that’s what he does. Makes me smile. Life was empty before. There was no reason for living. Not really. I stayed alive on the simple premise of “If you kill yourself, that’s a straight shot to hell.”

Once I almost Killed myself on the idea that God wanted me to be happy, and there was no way I could be happy here.

I know why there’s a forever now. I know why Christ Died. I can’t explain it to you. I don’t want to. it’s my tender and sacred experience of the Divine. the blessed and happy number nine.

I don’t know it all. I can’t tell you what i know. Wouldn’t do any good anyway…. because it’s mine. I dare you to explore it. Explore why you’re living and breathing and still existing. for the longest time I was a waste of space. Now I live. With a Reason.

it’s new. it’s fresh. i love it. i love him.

Derringer Meryl [glorious day] Out

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