Undone

<<<<  I wrote this in a steam room on my message board I go to. The only thing it’s missing are the emoticons…. which I’m too lazy to steal, and really you’re not missing much. This post doesn’t actually refer to anyone I know in real life. Mostly I would say the INTERNET has made me feel bad about my decision to have a C-section, no one i know personally. I thought I’d get that out there before I get asked “I don’t make you feel bad do i?” and the answer is no. You don’t. Trust me. Everyone I know has been VERY supportive in my choices, and I even discussed it somewhat with my mom before I chose it. If Life was perfect, things would progress differently than they do sometimes. In a perfect world I’d probably labor at home and then go to a nataloc (look it up people) and give birth and feel so proud of myself and my body. But I sacrafice my pride to protect myself, my husband and my children…. So without further ado– My C-Section Rant.>>>>

Why do I feel like…. because I “chose” to have my C-section that I should feel like I’m a bad mom. WTH?!

Like I should be apologizing that I wasn’t able to do a natural birth. I really respect people who do that, and honestly If I wasn’t such:

1)a big fat chicken
2) a previous C-section mommy
3) afraid of my own body

I probably would have done MORE to have a natural birth. But why is it that everyone looks down on C-sections? I feel like people are making C-section mommies into second class citizens. Like we don’t love our kids as much or something because we either A) chose not to or B) weren’t able to go through the labor process naturally.

And I voice my irritation at this and people say “Well you didn’t CHOOSE it, your baby was breech”

NO, that’s not true. I DID choose it. My doctor said “we can try and turn her and induce you, or we can just go for the c-section” and I CHOSE the c-section. I said “Sign me up for that!” and i didn’t realize the stigma or the crippling grief that would come from it. Will I spend the rest of my life being looked down on because of my choice? That’s disgusting! Why can’t everyone have the “I respect your decision, but that’s not the choice for me” attitude? <<Side bar, I feel that I try my best to have this attitude to other moms who choose other things. I couldn’t do a natural birth. I couldn’t, and might I add wouldn’t have my child at home… but for people who can and do, great for them!!! Not for me!>> I go to websites that I’m sure are supposed to be well meaning trying to warn women of the dangers of a C-section and why they aren’t good… and… I just feel dirty. I feel like they are spewing hate.  <<To be a bit more in detail here, I feel like I’m supposedly lazy or something because I didn’t give birth. I just had a baby. I didn’t LABOR, I didn’t WORK.  That it’s the easy man’s way out of having a baby. I can’t say! I don’t know! I haven’t done both! But I can tell you it’s not like it’s a picnic. I can remember I couldn’t lay down. My legs swelled up a lot due to the fact they were out of use for 24 hours. I have a scar and this lovely little flap of skin that hangs over it because all my skin is stretched out! Each C-section I have seals my fate as a permanent C-section mom. As much as I’d love to try natural, I cannot face the idea of a uterine rupture. Any chance is TOO big of a chance. I have even scaled back the number of children I want to have due to this risk.>>

I realize that a lot of my depression came from having a c-section last time, but at the same time I think it also came from not feeling like I was respected for the choice I made. Like I was lazy or stupid or inconsiderate for doing what I did. That my doctor (who is/was an amazing OB and always respected my feelings and wishes) was lazy and just wanted to get me out of the way.

I should not be ASHAMED to say I’ve had a c-section. I should not feel like I’m not a good mom because of the way I have given birth. Plenty of BAD mom’s, mom’s who hit and abuse and are just terrible to their children gave birth naturally. Hell. I’m sure bad moms have existed a LOT longer than the C-section has. But it’s not fair though that now days when we have so much medical knowledge, and so much tolerance for SO many things, that we as women can look down on each other for our mothering choices. Everyone thinks what they choose is right. And they are (for the most part) right! What you choose for your child is going to be more right for you, and for them, than what I could choose for them!

As much as I love and respect the opinions of the women here <<<On my Message board, not really relevant to my blog, but I do love a lot of people who read my  blog!>>>, I can’t let anyone belittle me, or the choices I have made. My daughter sleeps in a big girl bed and I put a gate in front of her door to keep her in her room. I work. I have c-sections. I breastfeed, but *gasp* only to a year.

And other moms do other things. And that’s that.

Can’t we just keep in mind that other choices don’t mean they’re bad…. they’re just different.

Derringer Meryl [People are People] Out

back in the day… I was miserable a lot. I would let the way I feel eat at me a lot. I’m sitting here listening to Christmas music, at what is usually my favorite time of year– feeling like a horrible human. Trying my best to accept life the way it is, instead of the way I wish it was.

I don’t think it’s been much of a secret that this baby was a surprise. I have been wallowing in wishing that it wasn’t so…. and in all my wishing it wasn’t that way, feeling horrible for it. I’m a planner, and I don’t like it when plans go awry. I have been trying to suppress my wishing it wasn’t so, and my horrible feelings for it. I keep telling myself that I’m a selfish person, because for all of my wishing and wanting, I know at least 10 women who would love to have a surprise like this. Surprise Surprise Surprise. I feel weird when people ask me how I’m feeling, I don’t know what to say, or how to say it. I’ve actually, to be frank, been quite well this pregnancy. At the same time it’s been miserable. My sciatic pain is kicking in and every complaint or ache and pain makes me feel guilty.  Maybe that’s why my blood pressure is so high? Could depression do it?

Despite my aches and pains through my pregnancy with Katie, i was on the whole very happy and excited. I was caught unaware, and upset this time. My 3 hours a day with katie have been sliced in half at the prospect of a sibling. I feel horrible.  I feel guilty. I am not even 12 weeks pregnant and I’m ready to be done.

Derringer Meryl [tired] Out

So during the writers strike, my fav director Joss Whedon, got together with some actors, and wrote/composed a musical that is about 45 minutes long. It’s called Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog. Katie loves it. Katie and I have seen it so many times Scott hates when we watch it. I love watching her watch it. I wish it were a bit more child appropriate, but hey, I was happy for anything in the writer’s strike.

I’m going to discuss it in length. if you haven’t seen it, hit up hulu or click here. If you’d like to not be spoiled… well you should have stopped reading a while back, right?? Also you might think that the discussion of web produced mini series (a mini mini series…) is silly, retarded, or a waste of time…. I also invite these people to leave. Just pretend I haven’t written anything at all. And go play on digg for a couple of hours, you’ll feel better about yourself, and a bit worse about the future.

Scott says the ending to it is a cop-out ending. I say that after seeing a ton of batman cartoons and X-Men cartoons, I would say that evil guys get really evil after they have lost all hope.  Sure people are bad when they want to be, but when you have lost all of your hope– that seems to be (IMO) when people are their most dastardly. That’s why (GASP, SPOILER) It’s not Captain Hammer who dies (though i find interesting that he remains alive, but in a incapacitated state. It’s not like he’s in a coma either. He’s just weak. It’s like Billy/Dr. Horrible just made his Physicality match his his personality. His body now matches his soul… well not completely– he’s not ugly and small. But then again, who wants to see nathan fillion like that? not me that’s for dang sure.  But you will see, if you watch Dr. Horrible’s Sing a long Blog 2 million times like I have, that Penny is Hope. it’s fairly obvious in the second act during her duet that she is a light of hope to Billy (as seen later as well in the laundry Mat when she tells him “keep your head up Billy buddy”) as well as to others, she is the light in the universe that Whedon has created. What happens when you take out the light? Heros are weak, hope is gone, people who may have been teetering on the edge of goodness… lose faith. What Dr. Horrible/ Billy has missed is the Key that Penny gave him before dying. “Even in the Darkness/Every Color Can be found.” Even when she’s gone, hope isn’t lost, there is no reason to do what he does… but he’s gone over the edge.  Penny’s song in the Laundry Mat is all about how you can choose hope and light when crappy things happen to you.

So. You might be thinking at this point that this is WHY people have been saying (Mostly my husband) this show sucks!! I say that you need to examine the villianous tale a bit closer. Usually villian stories go a bit like this…. 1- Guy/Gal really wants something. Usually the improvement of some part of society. 2- Guy/Gal becomes very focused on this goal shutting out all else, loved ones, usually not leaving lab or office, really nose to the grindstone thing, not realizing they are hurting others by their singlemindedness. 3- Tragically loved one dies, is suspended in a living state but in a very particular way, irreperably damaged. 4- Guy/Gal realized they’ve screwed up BUT instead of making it better, they make it someone elses fault.

I have seen a lot of super hero’s and villian tales. I know. This is how it goes. What is so different about this, and why I like the ending is– Billy at the end confesses to his blog, that he won’t feel anything. In a sad way. He doesn’t feel happy at his accomplishment. His world is incomplete without Penny. There is no reason to succeed as a villian any longer, as there is no Penny to impress or woo. The point is mute. Instead of being angry at Capt. Hammer, or society for what has happened– Billy/Dr. Horrible correctly places blame. Penny is dead, because of him.

That is why I like Dr. Horrible’s Sing a Long Blog.

Derringer Meryl [Bed time] Out

Now, you might be saying “Isn’t it kind of dumb to rant about work on a server your work place owns?” and the correct answer would be yest, in most cases.  However I’m not bitching about my employer, so much as some of the employees.

I work in a fairly small office. 2 bosses, 7 underlings (including me) not huge. and we all pretty much understand the rules of an office so small. You don’t step on toes, and you try to respect everyone and not leave anyone high and dry.

This year (2008) has been the year of “Screw you guys, I’m going on vacation” Now, there have been some legitimate cases of Vacation and sickness and what not, but it seems to me that when 4 people have a day requested off (in an office of 7) one more person shouldn’t jump on the boat. Well they do, and it’s really starting to PISS me off. My job isn’t hard, it isn’t challenging. it’s nice and simple. I LOVE my job. I just think there should be some solidarity among co-workers. A kind of “no man left behind” thing. I don’t know. I have spent my fair share of nights working alone on the 5-7 time period. it’s not HARD to do the job alone, it’s just ANNOYING to do it alone.

And it would be nice that if I’m the one left holding the bag because I’m dependible and stuff, that I could maybe take a day off or two by myself and not feel guilty. Maybe I would stop feeling so guilty about it if I weren’t so mad when other people took time off. RANDOM “LA-DI-DA” time off.  like “I don’t have a care in the world about any of my co-workers and the fact that they’ve covered my ass time and again when I have needed time off, or just damn well taken it.”

I’m not a selfish person, ladies and gentlemen, but it occurs to me, around this time of year, that the number of people who have my back over their own is startlingly low. I am a loyal diehard person.

Sometimes it would be nice if someone were looking out for me — instead of themselves…. since I apparently have too much guilt to look out for myself.

Derringer Meryl [Guilty as Charged] Out

I am of the opinion that if you pick up Twilight, and read it for what it is, you will more than likely enjoy it. If you read it for what it isn’t (that is it’s not a literary classic, not Robinson Crusoe, Pride and Prejudice, or War and Peace) you’ll probably end up griping about how hollow and vapid and annoying the characters are.

But here’s a wake up call, the book is for teenagers. It’s about teenagers. So calling it vapid, shallow, and one-note is all pretty– well freaking redundant to be frank. NO DUH it’s not a mine of literary gold, it’s a fun peice of literature. A good read, a quick read, and I love them. I have all of them. I would like to re-own all of them, and then someday i would like to fall down at Stephenie Meyer’s feet and say “I love you. It’s my birthday. I’d like to keep you in my pocket so you can tell me all the wonderful things that are going through your head.”
(Those of you in the H family will know that Stephenie Meyer will look at me weird and spend the rest of forever thinking of me and Scribbles and making scary monkey that lives in the closet face)

Seriously though, if you wanted a deep meaningful novel that is going to tell you the meaning of everything and everywhere, and has a nice little moral all wrapped up for you at the end… Try Tuesdays with Morrie– but don’t go panning for literary gold in the Young Adult Section. Now who’s being infantile?

Derringer Meryl [SHE’S LOOKING AT YOU SCRIBBLES!!] Out