My New Moon Secret [spoilerish]

This is a twilight post. I think that statement should warn you pretty well.

I read New Moon and Twilight together, consecutively after my Mother in law and sister in law met Stephenie Meyer at BYU for a lecture one day.  Had I known then that I would become such a squealy fan girl, I would have demanded I went with so I could lick her face… or ask her to blow her nose in a tissue to so I could make clone. (HAHA, I’m crazy.) In any case, they suggested I read them, because they were (and are) good. So I hesitantly agreed. I’m not good at reading books people suggest and say “Oh you’d enjoy it!” I usually spend months trying to drag my way through suggested books. The therapist I went to recently actually says I probably lack the attention span to read. He’s quite right. I’m not a good reader. I was once an excellent reader. I think I heard too much that I was an excellent reader, and now I’m lazy about it. Anyway, not the point here….

I sat down and read Twilight in a short 8 hours or so. I stayed up to finish it. It was RIGHT up my alley as predicted. I immediately started New moon, which took me days to finish. It was hard. It felt like it was hard to write too. I chalked it up to poor writing on Smeyer’s behalf, but after reading and re-reading and learning and thinking, i realize that it wasn’t hard for her to write because of writers block or poor writing skills or anything like that– it was emotionally difficult to force her characters to do something emotionally difficult. To make the story more complex.  It was physically hard for me to read it as it was like looking in an emotional mirror, on some levels.

I, like so many others, saw myself in Bella. In High school, I struggled emotionally with depression. I struggled physically with the energy it took to get out of bed and go to school. To be at school. I felt like I was being smothered… Like I was drowning. Nothing was fun, or happy. (Which I’m sure you can understand is no reflection on the people around me. I could have been at disneyland and I would have felt like this) Even through some of the happiest times, I felt like I was drowning. I wish i could pinpoint what exactly made me feel so horrible. There are a lot of things I could blame it on.  Mostly things were bad. They felt bad. I felt bad. And as I turn the pages November, December, January…. last time I read it, I cried. I cried for the years I lost to depression, and I did. The experiences I missed, or couldn’t fully enjoy. For the friends I lost, for the people who stood by me. For my parents who had to watch as I became just a shell of myself. Who couldn’t help me like they so desperately wanted to…. I had convinced myself on several occasions that if God really loved me, and really wanted me to be happy, then it was ok to Kill myself because I would be happier dead. For those who say “I knew that book was no good, See Bella tries to kill herself” I say, what the hell book are you reading? Bella only keeps going because that’s what Edward wants. Also, I say, who are you to judge? Sure she’s a fictional character in an alternative universe, but HEY, have you ever felt so down that you felt like killing yourself is the only escape? That the harshness of this world is too much and you just need to escape. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem… but You can’t judge the people who have done it. Just don’t. You haven’t been where they are. You can be mad at them, and mourn them, miss them… don’t judge them.

I feel as though the new movie (as you may have heard, they’re making New Moon into a movie) is going to spill all my emotions onto a screen with a poor actor who couldn’t possibly understand. I feel like she will be making a farce of all the tender emotions… How can you know? How can you possibly act out the agony of depression? It is not simply moping around with a frowny face or avoiding friends.  I felt physically broken.  This isn’t some tawdry scene of feeling sad because a boy left. It is the deep agonizing journey to try and repair a hole that someone or something has ripped in you. I am afraid of the disrespect that the actors, writers and directors could pay to this while focusing on wardrobe, chilled beverages, and keeping their primadonna actors in line and doing what they’re paid to do… instead of the emotional weight that the book carries.

Maybe I’m the only one who is that emotional about the book.

Derringer Meryl [Depression claims lives even when it doesn’t kill] Out

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I should be banned….

From discussing Twilight. I really should.

Other than saying that, i don’t want to get into it. I forsee being more than potentially offensive.

I haven’t been as sick lately, I always think that and then the next mornign I hurl. The weird thing is I threw up yesterday. I have to blame all this vomiting on the baby, but mostly it hasn’t been so bad. I had some heavy things weighing on me, and I was struggling to talk to Scott about them, I finally did and felt way better. I always get down and feel horrific when i don’t talk to Scott about stuff. It’s just my body’s way of forcing me to communicate.

I”ve been trying to work on getting Katie less phobic of me leaving in the morning and at lunch. She really has been freaking out in the worst way. It’s hard for Scott (as her fits last forever and are very patience draining) and it’s hard on me, because I leave the house with the memory of my baby screaming her guts out about Mommy leaving. it’s been tough, but we’re working at it.

I drill Katie on words and names. Saying “drill” makes it sound bad. It’s a session of “can you say _______?” and then she’ll try to say it. So far she can say a lot of names. She can say Grandma and Grandpa, Mom and Dad, (from here on will be fake names, but 😉 she can say your real name if you’re on this list) Squirt, Sukie, The Specialist, The Ballerina, and Wudan. Crazy right? I asked her to say Dax, she just looked at me and went back to what she was doing, I think she might have been at the end of the game, because she wouldn’t say anything again. And a couple of times when I asked her to say Sukie, she said Squirt instead. LOL

Awesome. I’m having a pretty good day. Enjoying myself. I wish Scott was having just as good of a day as me. I need to get him a special treat for dealing with a horrific Katie all day. She has trashed the basement and has been throwing fits like HORRIBLE. I am calling him now to see if he needs anything. (Haha, Katie is screaming “SCOTT” at him. It’s adorable and horrible all at once.)

I will have to think of something awesome. Maybe I’ll pick up Katie from home and take her out so he can relax.

Derringer Meryl [darn Screaming babies] out

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Hey Time…

Thanks for saying what I so obviously couldn’t.


“Meyer’s religious upbringing taught her something few writers grasp, that fantasies can be about restraint as well as excess. Sometimes nice girls do finish first.”

What a day. It’s been snowing since I went to bed last night, and to be quite honest, I wish it’d stick to the mountains. I’m glad I don’t work in Park City or something. It’d be disgusting to haul my butt up the canyon each day in this horrible weather. I don’t even like hauling myself to work in this weather! I appreciate the precipitation– but if it could give us just a little break… enough to salt the roads and for Scott to clear the drive… I’d be happier.

So I went to the doctor yesterday. I wish I had picked an earlier appointment. I had the feeling the doctor wanted to rush out the door and go home. Anyway, my BP was HIGH (like 168/99) and the doctor was going to medicate me, but he decided to take my BP again… This time with a large cuff. At this point in the story I’d like to pause and say …. WTH? why were they using a small or medium cuff on me anyway? So I look small or medium? These nurses take my weight right before taking my BP (My weight BTW, hasn’t gone up at all this pregnancy. WOOT ME!) So I don’t know why after seeing that number they don’t say “OH she’s obese, let’s use a LARGE CUFF?!” Also, btw, they are taking it over my sleeve. Shouldn’t that indicate using a larger sleeve as well? In any case… They use the large cuff– and hey, what do you know, it’s like 117/71. Who would have guessed. I wish I could pin the cost of the extra tests he ran on them. I wish doctors would start simple and work up to dangerous things… instead of the other way around. Isn’t the simplest answer usually the CORRECT answer? Sheesh. In any case. Problem solved. I’ll still be watching my sodium intake (DUN DUN DUH!) so as to not aggravate any underlying problem I might have with my BP, but I won’t be worrying about it either.

I need to call about getting an appt with my bishop when I get home tonight too. I need to get on the ball and get my recommend, I’m running out of time to do it! It’s tough fitting everything in, especially working so late– but as long as I have a recommend in my hot little hand by 2/7, I’ll be giddy as a school girl.

I got my crochet needles for my birthday from Scott last week. As well as a plethora of blue yarn to make slimes with. It says to use an E crochet hook, but I’m thinking I’ll use something larger to help myself learn. Once I am comfortable, then I’ll use a smaller hook 🙂 I also need to find out how to reliably make the magic ring….It’s hard to do with Katie around… She wants to play with the hook and throw the yarn. Drives me crazy.

I watched all of Anne of Green Gables this weekend, and enjoyed it immensely. Except for the last movie wher Megan Follows sounds like she’s been smoking a pack a day for 40 years. Also I don’t find it terribly romantic, which the first two are, and have a pretty soundtrack. The second one takes place mostly during the war, on the front line,  so it’s a lot of exploding…. also, WTH, why would Anne give up Green Gables to that two faced horrible friend Diana who is putting on airs and it never really explains why they need a house at all… I guess they lost their big one? BLERG!

Anyway, it was a great gift, Scott really secretly appreciates it because it means he can sleep all day and Katie and I will hunker down and watch Anne in the basement. He said it was the best sleep he’d had. YAY for sleeping.

Derringer Meryl [secret sleepings] Out


I am

In love with Stephenie Meyer. I’m sorry. It’s true. I think she’s a genius, and I’d follow her around all day with a note pad just to write down random things she says…then I’d type them all up and sell them to the Smeyer junkies who are just like me.

In other news, I am going to the Twilight Movie tonight. I am seeing that it is getting mixed/poor reviews, but I don’t care. I’ll hug and love on it anyway– Because It’s twilight– and I’m fairly clingy. You know what can’t/won’t reject you? A book. Damn straight. 😀

Today is Jen’s Party. Happy B-day Jen…. Even though your B-day isnt’ today, I’ll probably be too sugar wasted to tell you happy day tomorrow 😉 I forgot my part of the pot luck so luckily for me Scott was a real trooper and saved me and picked up some cupcakes from the store. YAY. Scott has also been exceedingly excellent about dinner. He makes it almost every night. Last night it was crock pot chinese food, and I didn’t eat too much because I was feeling a bit under the weather, it was still very yummy. Katie has been sick, I assume she got it from Alice who was recovering from a similar snotty nose and fever last weekend when they hung out… it’s ok though, Katie has an appointment with the doctor on Monday– so we should be in the clear.

Currently we have no weekend plans that I’m aware of — I really hope it stays what way. I need to do a heavy cleaning on my house and pray that it stays clean for the weekend. If anyone wants to hang out and keep me (and Katie) company while we clean, that would be excellent. it’s tough staying motivated to clean when it feels like you have a toddler following after you undoing the books you put on the shelf, scattering more trash, etc etc So while you feel like you’re getting something done, at the same time you feel like NOTHING has been done because … well The little girl behind you has just unfolded all the laundry, blankets, brought all her toys back out of her toy room, and basically been an absolute BUTT about the whole thing. Poor Scott doesn’t seem to have this problem, but he usually (i do believe) traps her in her High Chair while cleaning. Did I mention he did a GREAT Job cleaning the kitchen and basement the other day? I was stunned, and giddy! it’s really nice to come how to a clean house. I appreciate all he does. He takes care of Katie and Bella… He put in a cat door to the garage so now our basement won’t smell like cat poo! (yay!) and he’s currently working on putting in a  new faucet in the bathroom downstairs. I’m so proud! He’s such a hard worker, and since we found out I was expecting he’s really stepped it up. Which I have to say Is SUPER appreciated. I’m more than willing to contribute, but some nights its’ hard, and I really love coming home to dinner and a nice house. And other days I clean the house and cook. It’s great that we switch off.

Did I mention I love Scott? I want to follow him around and write down the things he says…. oh wait. LOL. I do love him though. More than Stephenie Meyer!

Derringer Meryl [Does your Mother know?] Out

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Twilight Rant

I am of the opinion that if you pick up Twilight, and read it for what it is, you will more than likely enjoy it. If you read it for what it isn’t (that is it’s not a literary classic, not Robinson Crusoe, Pride and Prejudice, or War and Peace) you’ll probably end up griping about how hollow and vapid and annoying the characters are.

But here’s a wake up call, the book is for teenagers. It’s about teenagers. So calling it vapid, shallow, and one-note is all pretty– well freaking redundant to be frank. NO DUH it’s not a mine of literary gold, it’s a fun peice of literature. A good read, a quick read, and I love them. I have all of them. I would like to re-own all of them, and then someday i would like to fall down at Stephenie Meyer’s feet and say “I love you. It’s my birthday. I’d like to keep you in my pocket so you can tell me all the wonderful things that are going through your head.”
(Those of you in the H family will know that Stephenie Meyer will look at me weird and spend the rest of forever thinking of me and Scribbles and making scary monkey that lives in the closet face)

Seriously though, if you wanted a deep meaningful novel that is going to tell you the meaning of everything and everywhere, and has a nice little moral all wrapped up for you at the end… Try Tuesdays with Morrie– but don’t go panning for literary gold in the Young Adult Section. Now who’s being infantile?


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