I got that new layout I was talking about. Isn’t it special? I thought so. 😀 Still all blushy. I think some of the initial shock of “Oh My Goodness, I’m going to get married” has worn off…. because i’m actually eating again. Sorta scares me…. How much i eat. *shakes her head* My will is in direct comparison to aluminum. *smiles* My mom keeps gently reminding me that i need to stay thin enough that i’ll fit into my wedding dress.

I think I just need to find a happy balance between “Stressed eating everything in sight” Meryl and “I’m so in love i haven’t eaten in hours, and I’m okay with that” Meryl. Neither one is very healthy. I have three months from now until the wedding. I should really work on getting skinnier. Not unhealthy skinny (see Tracy Gold from Growing Pains) but back to a more healthy weight. I mean, I’m not super fat. I know that. I’m not obese. I’m glad of that. I don’t think I’m ugly the way I am. I just would perfer to be smaller, is all. Fifteen pounds is all it would take to knock me from being overweight, to a healthy BMI. Isn’t that sad?

It disturbs me that I’m so obsessed with this. I know Scott doesn’t care. He says I’m beautiful (multiply that into fifteen other ways to say that) just the way I am. I feel beautiful just the way I am. I just wonder if I’m healthy the way I am. And honestly– I’ve never felt prettier than when i’m with Scott. I feel … wanted. No conditions, no rules are bars or “You just need to…” statements. I think that’s wonderful. I just really hate living in this world. I hate living in a place where people are screaming about eating more healthy and looking thinner, and being more fit. I feel like i’m going insane. All that women become are pretty things to look at, very few women are admired for their minds. One tends to believe they have no mind. You don’t hear them speak out– average women. I mean sure, there’s Oprah and Rosie O’Donnell (anyone else want her to shut up?) and Sharon Osborne, but are they saying anything worthwhile? Are they saying it themselves? Or is it just something prefabricated by some person behind the scenes. Just another pretty face to push the package.

*feels a little sad* I guess I kinda went on a binge tonight (I tend to do that when I’m feeling down) I shouldn’t have eaten a lot of what I did. I had two lunches (to make up for the fact I had no breakfast) Dinner, Chips, Pocky, and Pudding…. and two eight ounce bottles of water. Every time I ate I felt my brain screaming “Don’t eat that! You’re going to get fat!” I could say I get that from my mom, one of my earliest recollections was of my mom grabbing my waist and pinching saying that I needed to loose some. I think I was like eight. I dont’ mean to sound like I blame my mom. I’m just– I’m tired of crash dieting. That’s what it is. I don’t blame my mom. She’s the greatest mom ever. She helps me all the time. I love her.

I remember not feeling as pretty as the girls at school, as young as the second grade. My hair was a rats nest, and I was a chubby kid. I was. No doubt. I had a sweet tooth. I had like seven of them. It was all I would eat. Any sib of mine can tell you that. All I’ve ever wanted was to be like the other girls. I don’t know when it finally hit me, but I finally understood that i’m not the other girls. They didnt’ understand me. THey didnt’ understand that I couldn’t do the things they were doing. I didn’t have a boyfriend in Elementary like they did.

Every message I got from my first boyfriend was that I was undesirable. I had never felt so low as I did that year. I looked horrible, I felt horrible. My life was trashed. I was thirty or so pounds overweight. It only got worse with each time he said “God Meryl, Could you weigh anymore?” Sometimes I can stil hear him asking me. I remember how funny he thought it was. I remember trying to cling to how much I loved him. I couldn’t lose him. I was so scared. I think being hurled into depression that year was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Sure, it sucked at the time, but I felt great after it went away. Because of the depression, I lost my appetite. (Food and my emotions go together like bread and butter) I didn’t eat, so I lost a lot of weight. I learned how to style my hair. I learned that my first boyfriend was a complete and utter jerk (for the lack of a better word that isn’t profane) I pieced my life back together. But I cut a lot of social stuff out of it. I learned that people weren’t really reliable in times of need.

I love me now. I think I look great. I just dont think i’m in a place where I can withstand all the “you need to look…”s of the world. I wrote a poem about it. I got passed up for a lot of prettier girls. I was really– tired of it. Tired of being the girl the guy needed a wingman for. Tired of guys saying “Hey, who’s your friend??”

I’m so glad that I don’t need to worry about the lot of that anymore. The Singles scene. Blah. 😛

To sum this up. Scott thinks I’m great the way I am. I think I’m great the way I am. I want to fit into my wedding dress. So–

No more binging over arguments.

Derringer Meryl [And I’ve waited for him so long] Out

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