Undone

I guess I get lost in what i’m feeling sometimes. And I admit, for one week (or so) of every month, i’m incredibly introspective. I think about me, i’m angry, i’m happy, i hate everything, and love it all at the same time…

I’m not exactly even keel girl — and i guess it’s one of those pathetic girl cover ups, much akin to “I was just reading your shirt” guy cover ups. We have to blame our moody-ness on PMS, we can’t — or I can’t– admit that i’m grouchy because i don’t know how i’m feeling, or why– and I don’t know how to stop.

So I do it the only way I know how– I hole up in my room– i cut myself off from people, and despite how much i want to reach out to them, I’m always smacking myself back… I know what i want out of life, but i also know it’s not within my reach. I know, I can wish, and want, and desire until my brains fry– but all i’m going to end up with is fried brains, and that’s all.

I’ve been biting my nails again. Not a lot, but enough that i’ve noticed. I think it comes from being angry with myself. I know it’s been annoying Red lately, that i’ve been so moody. But I feel — i’ve been feeling — this way and i can’t get it out of my head.

Sometimes I feel like i’m talking to air. Like– not here, just in general. And I suppose it doesn’t help that i’m listening to my music list entitled “Depress Me” right now, but i think my feeling down-ness stems from something a little deeper– something i’m repressing– and actually something i’m fighting with myself about right now.

I did the same thing about a year ago. With HIM, except, it was understood by myself and others taht it was acceptable. The seclusion, it was okay. Now i want to curl up and hide from the world– except there’s no where to go, and i have the extreme lack of pneumonia. It sorta makes me wish I had it again. I know, I could go to the Hospital, and just make out like crazy with the sick people.

like i could do that.

Eh– I can’t hide at work, can’t hide at Red’s, Can’t hide at Monkey’s, can’t hide at school, there’s no where to run to–

no where to hide.

Derringer Meryl [I wish…we never] Out