Undone

So, it’s been a while. I splattered my heart, but lucky for me– that wasnt’ what hit the fan.

My insecure mind, along with the English language and the abuse thereof, caused me and my friend Red to fight. Er, fighting. Or something. It’s currently still a war that’s being waged. And part of me doesn’t want to try and fix it, because i know i’ll make it worse.

and that scares me. I’m not usually the fix it girl. I’m the incapable of fixing it girl. I guess it’s my own negative attitude that keeps me from having a good life, but I think to myself every night– “What have I done in my life, that makes me think that i deserve good things from life?” and i know the answer, and it’s the same every night as I roll over…

“Absolutely nothing.” I contribute nothing but pain and hurt into the world. I dont’ expect Kharma or the law of the harvest to give me good things, because I haven’t put any good into the world. I expect the worst, because I believe that’s what I deserve.

I don’t deserve a good friend like Red, so I make it up in my mind that there’s something wrong with her, and so– it’s justified.

I don’t know. I’m sick, and twisted– and i could be walking on cloud nine if I could just figure out — why I can’t trust my best friend. I need to. Yeah. She made a mistake, but DAMNIT, so did I. So do I…. I told Nym that she liked him. It was stupid and she kept trusting me with out missing a beat.

But I’m so scared. So many people have hurt me.

What can I do?

Derringer Meryl [If my eyes don’t decieve me] Out